Thursday, June 30, 2011

Waging War

I just need to vent. I swear if my brother and sister in law steal our baby girl's name. There will be war.

God gave us that name. It is not even an option to change it.

If his family thinks there are issues now..wait til this happens.

(I have a gut feeling it will...could be paranoia, but as they are being SO SECRETIVE over it..I doubt it)

ACK! I HATE THIS!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

4 weeks and 1 day

That is how long til my due date for our loss on Thanksgiving. :(

I have been doing really good on not dwelling on that.

But the past two nights have haunted me. I have woken up in a sweat on the verge of tears because I'm dreaming of the baby that should be.

Last nights dream, I remember so well. My sister-in-law was talking about how her baby was coming soon. And I lost it. I started screaming "my baby, my baby" over and over again, just sobbing. It makes me dread for whats to come. More than I have recently. I want so desperately to hold a baby in my arms. I cant even repeat the dream outloud, because I'm scared if I do. I wont be able to be strong. I will crumble. All I told hubs was I dreamt of the baby. I couldn't say any more than that. I didn't want him to cry.

We both have been so emotional the past couple of weeks. Crying every few days about the situation. Our hearts are broken. I have never seen my husband so broken.

I am planning on going down to Arkansas to help my sister after she delivers her baby in a couple of weeks, because the "sperm donor" wont help at all. I'm happy to meet my little nephew but at the same time. I'm dreading the emotions that I know will be there. She is getting her tubes tied. She is 21. I dont understand how women can be so fertile. Im envious. I so wish we could have an oopsie!

We are planning on going on a vacation in August, and that is what I have been focusing on. I have been working out so hardcore the past couple of weeks. I need to lose this last bit of weight before our getaway.

I do have *possibly* good news. I wont believe it til I get a blood test, but so far my temps reflect that I ovulated on Sunday, cycle day 14. Like I said I wont believe it, yet... but I will call my doctor tomorrow and see if they can get me the blood test on Friday. Here is my first ever natural ovulatory(from what I can tell) chart. So far anyways:

Friday, June 24, 2011

Quite the shocker!





THAT MY FRIENDS IS MY FIRST EVER NATURAL + OPK. I HAVE BEEN ON AN HERB CALLED TRIBULUS AND IT DID ITS JOB!!! I HAVE NEVER HAD AN OPK THIS DARK. EVER. TODAY IS CD 12.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Outsider

My heart is aching. Aching for a chance to be a mother. Aching because so many people act like we have a contagious disease and if they ask how we are doing, they may catch it.

So many friends have come and gone. It seems that once they get close enough for me to let them into the part of my life where I feel like I can express my heart, they run. And fast.

I understand this topic is uncomfortable, and painful.

My husband and I feel so lonely. There are very few people who are willing to actually listen to our hearts and let us cry and be real. Even less for my husband than for me. Which makes me angry for him. He is such an amazing guy, yet since being married to me and people realizing we have this issue, no one really takes the time to spend time with him. Which makes me angrier. I get it. Women have babies and most of my friends have moved on, its awkward and uncomfortable. But my husband has done no wrong. He deserves to have guy time. To have men that he can go to when he feels like he is about to break. I have never seen my husband so upset. We have both shed more tears this week then we would like to admit. He needs friends that will love and support and build him up....because he has to be strong for me. He is my support as I walk through the shots, surgery, the needles, the miscarriages...well you get the point. He carries this burden, and just like every husband he just wants to fix it. And he cant.

I have one friend, ONE that I feel that has actually spent the time and heart and emotion to be there for me. The rest, well they have fallen on the side. Her heart is so pure and so loving. She is such a blessing to me. I adore her and her family.

As if we don't feel bad enough about the situation, having to watch our friends move on and have families. They look at us, like we have done something wrong. Or that we are just "being dramatic". Well.. I am sorry, but I really wish we could just have sex and 9 months later a baby is born. I REALLY wish that is how it is for us. It breaks my heart we cant have a baby the "natural" way. It would have saved us already probably almost $20,000 in addition all the heartache and emotion.

I feel like all of this is my fault. Its my body. My disease. I'm an outsider.
And now my husband is too.

When will this end?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day Weekend

Well we have had such a great weekend so far. Only one thing has made it a little more sad than it should have been, but I will tell you about it in a few...

We skipped church because not only is it fathers day, but my church also decided to do baby dedications in all the services. So to protect our hearts we decided God wouldn't hate us if we skipped a weekend of church. Last weekend we couldn't even make it through service without bawling our eyes out...so we just figured this was probably best.

Friday night we went out on the town and had a wonderful night reconnecting.
Last night we hung out with his cousin L and his girlfriend J. It was so much fun! Played Just Dance 2 and Cranium.

Today we discovered a donut shop in Lincoln! Yesterday I was JUST saying how I couldn't believe that there wasn't a donut shop in Lincoln. Well there is. And we bought some, and I dare say they are BETTER than Krispy Kreme. *Gasp*

Ok now to the depressing part of the weekend. Miles finally checked the mail, and guess what was in it? My new pads that I bought from Pink Lemonade Shop & Enfamil Newborn Formula.

Yep. Formula. For the baby that should be arriving in about 5 weeks :'( Formula that is just a gift, formula that I did NOT order. And pads for the many expected future afs that will be here before our child is conceived.

My heart aches. I didn't realize I would be sent a box of formula(not that when I have a baby we will be using formula, I believe breast is best), but still! This was meant for that precious baby. I thought for sure that we would be expecting another little one by the time this baby's due date rolled around. Well boy was I wrong.

I feel empty inside. A place in my heart that has yet to be filled, a place meant for a child. Even though I'm ok with the thought of waiting through the summer to try for a baby...my heart still aches. I wonder how I will be able to make it through a year or more if we end up going through with IVF. Especially since I personally am at this point in time TERRIFIED of doing anything less, terrified that my body wont respond properly. I want complete control. And maybe that's where I'm wrong.

I am trusting God, heck maybe He will bless us without treatment. I'm not sure what his plan is. All I know is I gotta continue to just rest in Him like He has asked of me.


***On a side note, tomorrow is my cycle review with Dr H. Its the appointment where he is going to tell us what went wrong, and all that jazz. Its also the appointment where we will be telling him that we are going to see the RE in Omaha. I'm so nervous!! I don't want him to be mad, but I feel that we need a doctor that is 100% dedicated to this.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Denial

I have a feeling that I have been in denial.

Denial that I was pregnant last week.

Denial that we had yet another early miscarriage.

I refused to even say it out loud til today, but then I finally approached hubs about it.

He thinks its the most logical explanation for what happened.

We got a light positive pregnancy test on Saturday morning. We spent all of Saturday day dreaming about the future, looking at pregnancy books, and I even bought a picture frame that said miracle.

We were convinced, but then the odd cramp happened on Sunday morning. I was hoping that meant baby was snuggling in deeper, but my worst fear was still in the forefront of my mind. I refused to even verbalize it.

The last time I cramped before af came was the last time we had our Thanksgiving loss, and the time before that was our April loss. So when I cramped all day Sunday, I just kept praying for the good. Not even allowing myself to think the bad.

Then on Monday, the cramping got worse, and then I started spotting. By late afternoon my period had arrived, yet was so painful. I have been bleeding so heavy and the clots are insane, this morning I "flooded" myself :(

Tonight, I finally told Miles what I thought was going on. And he agreed that it was likely that is what was happening. I told him I was in denial that we could possibly be having another early loss. His theory is that since it was a premature egg, that it fertilized and tried to implant but failed because the egg wasn't good enough. That seems logical to me. The most likely explanation for the extremely painful bleeding, the "contraction", and the + pregnancy test.

This loss is affecting me differently, maybe I just haven't accepted it quite yet.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

201st Post!!

Wow!! I cant believe that Ive posted over 200 posts! That is just insane! :)

I just wanted to share that AF came last night, so we are officially on (an undetermined length) break.

We really need an emotional break from worrying about this. So in August we are going to fly far away for a few days and maybe even not tell people where we are going for vacation! Just me and the hubs, no interruptions, and I am so excited!

Im going to continue to work out hardcore and see how skinny I can get before going on our getaway!!

We have an appt with the RE for July 22nd. I am excited for it, but its still so far away, so I am just going to not worry about it.

Im actually ok that this cycle didnt work. I have things I need to work through and to be honest, I'm excited about it.

In less than a year, Hubs will be graduated with a Masters in Civil Engineering, who knows where we could end up! We are so excited because when most couples get married they get to do to the whole move into a new house thing, set things up how you like it, pick everything out, etc...and we never got to do that. We have been living in the same house since before we got married because his parents own it, and they let us live there for free since hubs is still in school. So as we will definitely not turn it down, Im excited for when we get to pick a house out for ourselves. I keep daydreaming about searching for a house, painting, moving in, etc. :D That is apart of being "newly weds" we never got to do, and I'M SO EXCITED!! At that point it will be right around our third wedding anniversary :) I am so proud of him! He has been working hard, and he is so close! <3

These sort of things are making me excited.

At this point in time, as much as I hate being childless, I plan on spending the next year enjoying it. I can sleep in, I can go where EVER I want, when ever I want. I can drink. I can have sex whenever I want(well as long as hubs is home tehehe) We are going to go on an adult only vacation, and if we end up doing treatment then great..but who knows..maybe God is not going to have us do anymore? I'm not sure. All I know is at this point in time, He is calling me to sit still and just wait on Him.

Monday, June 13, 2011

And the spotting has started

which in and of itself is so odd!

But I'm definitely hoping this means af will come sooner this time around!

We are praying for new directions. We have an appt with the RE here next month and between now and then I plan on losing some more weight and doing some projects around the house. Hopefully selling our car, and then once the RE gives us her thoughts we will decide from there where to go with treatment. I need a mental break from infertility. And I plan on taking it.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Confusion

So af was due two days ago, but since I had pio shots it shouldnt come for another 5 days. Well today in church there was something that happened and not gonna lie it was odd and I honestly have no idea what to think about it.

During one of the worship songs my whole stomach seized up. It felt exactly like how I would imagine a contraction during labor feeling like. I felt like I was going to pass out. I didnt tell Miles til a couple hours later, and his first reaction was "implantation?". I promptly said nope. I have no hope for this cycle. Unless I ovulated later than the ovulation we are going by, there is no way implanting this "late" in the cycle could be possible...

Well then this afternoon, we were at church and I spotted. I never spot. Unless I'm on af anyways. Well, it went away a few minutes later. It was brown. I really have NO CLUE what to think. Is af arriving early? Is this a miraculous implantation?

Who knows..all I know is I want off this emotional roller coaster. I want to be free of worrying about children and babies. I really wish I was one of those people who didnt desire to be a mom. Because then infertility wouldn't hurt so dang bad.

Oh and get this:

I got this yesterday in my fortune cookie...


God can use fortune cookies? Right?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Vivid Dream

So I had a dream. Its one of those repeat dreams that happen ever so often.
I had it a few months ago, but then forgot about it before I even told hubs about it.
Well this morning I made sure I told him about it as soon as I woke up.

First off me and Miles somehow could breath in water. Then we had to jump in this hole in the ground(aka a cave) that was water filled. Well, then we had to swim through this tiny opening and it opened into a room full of big balls. Kind of like water balloons but the size of a workout ball. I swam around in the room popping the balls like no bodies business.
After that we transitioned into another room. It was full of baby toys and stuff. Hubs' mom and Aunt C were there, I also think his cousin K was there too but that part is fuzzy. Anyways, after a few minutes in that room, we went to the pooh bear display and behind that was a secret door that led to the piranhas that were protecting the big fish that we had to defeat. Last time I had this dream, we defeated the big fish and then I woke up. This time, we only got so far as to get to the piranhas.

This is hubs' interpretation. This is our journey to try to get pregnant. The balls I popped were my eggs, we were the sperm, the cave was well the vajajay and the big fish is Endo. Since we don't know if we are pregnant now...that is why my dream ended early.

It totally didn't hit me til after he "interpreted it" that it sounds EXACTLY like that. Its so weird, but I remember so much more this time around..but last time there were more rooms that we had to go through. This time the "journey" was more simple. Still scary, yet not as complicated.

Makes me wonder what is going to happen....

A week worth of updates(sort of)

Sorry to have been MIA. I just wanna say thank you ladies for being interested in my blog, but from here on out..anything that is said here is completely 100% private. A few of you know me in real life, so if I announce a pregnancy or something to that effect please don't tell anyone so that we are able to announce when WE feel comfortable :)
____________________________________
This portion of the blog was written on 6-8-11
This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster. I have had faint lines on pregnancy tests, yet my blood test on Wednesday say <5, but everyone has to start somewhere so I wonder if maybe I'm borderline, maybe like 4.5...but since it wasn't a 5 it wasn't "counted". I really wished they had given me a number, but they didn't. :(
I feel so pregnant, my chart says "pregnant", and those tests are really messing with my head. I know there are lines there as hubs can see them too. Grr. If they are ALL bad tests, I am going to be so heartbroken. :(

______________________this portion was written on 6-10-11
Well today is 14dpo, still having faint lines, so they just must be bad tests :(
I have pretty much given up hope for this cycle. My temps look insanely good, but I dont feel like I can even trust those.
If I dont get af by Tuesday(which I wont) then we will be repeating the blood test.
Today I was beyond stressed with everything and my back has been hurting alot so hubs sent me to get a massage. She worked out alot of knots, so that was good..but it was a very painful process. I left feeling very relaxed, yet exhausted. Ive been so tired this week.
Symptoms of the week:
Exhuastion, frequent urination, extreme thirst(which could explain the frequent urination), bloat, feeling weepy, extremely high temps, no sore boobs, and an acne breakout.

Again Im not counting anything anymore. Me and hubs were convinced that I was pregnant, yet now..I am not so sure. Please pray for us, as this has definitely been one of the most stressful TWWs ever.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Blog Transition

Hey guys, because of some people who have been reading my blog recently, I decided to make it private, at least for now. I need a safe place to get what I need to get out without being judged. So if you would still like to continue my journey, please email me at onthelanai127@gmail.com and I will add you :)
Thank you so much for understanding!

It will be going private on June 10th as I wanna give all my readers a chance to see this.

My Refuge.

This post will be just a bunch of random ramblings....
My temp dipped down and came back up this morning. Could be a coincidence, but I am MAKING myself be hopeful.

My temps are staying up higher than they ever have before. I got my progesterone/estrodial blood test yesterday and afterwards I got my first PIO injection. Im praying that my progesterone showed I had a strong ovulation, stronger than the U/S showed. Im praying that miraculously my follies grew big enough before releasing the egg. Or at the very least that the eggs were mature.

As far as "symptoms" go. Not much is going on. Sore/heavy boobs and a light cramping here and there. Mood swings like crazy, but all of these are probably a result of the hormones, and not pregnancy.

The doctor doesn't feel hopeful. But honestly, I definitely still have hope. Last night's sermon at church was like God speaking DIRECTLY to us. My husband definitely said that he feels that I will be pregnant more now than he did before. The sermon was on how God is our refuge in times of struggle. He will give us relief when we can't go anymore. Hubs took that as God sending us our blessing now, because we can't handle much more. I honestly am struggling with this.

I want so hard to believe that those thoughts and feelings of peace and just knowing this would be the month we conceived are still relevant.

But at the same time, I am really trying to protect my heart. I kind of feel that if God wants me to be pregnant, He will make it happen. So instead of worrying and all that, I have instead turned on the worship music, and that's how I'm spending my days. Listening to worship music, and praising while I wait. God has a plan, and even though I'm so terrified of how much longer I will have to wait, I will continue to praise Him.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.
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