Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Its time to say goodbye.

This blog has been an amazing thing for me. But I decided that since I can not write what I want or need to write on here without making it private, that I would move over to a new blog.

One that I will protect from family(unless your seeing this, in which case you have my permission to follow me over).
My new blog address is http://allaboutgodsgrace.blogspot.com/

It is a public blog, but I am hoping this one will be one where I feel safe writing.
I will no longer be posting on here. I so appreciate the followers and hope to see you over there!
Love you all!

Monday, July 11, 2011

My sonohysterogram has been scheduled...

...for Monday July 18th at 8am. I am beyond nervous, but it will be good to get it out of the way!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I know its been awhile

I'm so sorry for that!

I have a cycle update. Today is cd 28, 14 dpo and af arrived!

I had a perfect 28 day cycle. Its the first time since I was like 14 and its awesome.

I will admit I am bummed we aren't pregnant. But...

We are going to Florida in August for vacation and I'm trying so hard to lose as much weight as possible. Ive been going to the gym almost every day, and I joined a Zumba class!

So me getting af is a bummer, but at the same time its relieving because I'm working so hard towards my weight goal!

I got to redecorate my bedroom this week. Our bed wont be in for a month, so that stinks..but once it is I will post pics!

I am going to do research on how to improve egg quality and hopefully have a stronger ovulation next time!

I will be having alot of tests done this month. On day 3(Tuesday) I will be getting all my hormones tested as well as being tested for all the different blood clotting disorders. Then sometime between cd 5-12 I will be getting an Sonohysterogram(SHG) done. These tests will be done to see if there is a reason for our reoccurring early losses.

I'm nervous, but I know it will be good. I have a good feeling for August *wink* I cant help it! LOL

Friday, July 1, 2011

A big accomplishment

We just got the phone call from my nurse that I did indeed ovulate on my own.

Wow.

This has never happened before.

God is good.

My numbers were lower than they like to see. But at the same its still an accomplishment. I will just start my progesterone support tonight.

Even if I don't get pregnant, this is still a big accomplishment. In two years my body hasn't been able to do this. It finally has.

Here is my chart so far:


Emotionally I feel just blah. But I'm trusting God. He has this in His hands...He has called us to wait on Him. And that is exactly what we are doing. I can't trust my feelings. They will lie to me. I have to trust that God has a reason to make us wait.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Waging War

I just need to vent. I swear if my brother and sister in law steal our baby girl's name. There will be war.

God gave us that name. It is not even an option to change it.

If his family thinks there are issues now..wait til this happens.

(I have a gut feeling it will...could be paranoia, but as they are being SO SECRETIVE over it..I doubt it)

ACK! I HATE THIS!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

4 weeks and 1 day

That is how long til my due date for our loss on Thanksgiving. :(

I have been doing really good on not dwelling on that.

But the past two nights have haunted me. I have woken up in a sweat on the verge of tears because I'm dreaming of the baby that should be.

Last nights dream, I remember so well. My sister-in-law was talking about how her baby was coming soon. And I lost it. I started screaming "my baby, my baby" over and over again, just sobbing. It makes me dread for whats to come. More than I have recently. I want so desperately to hold a baby in my arms. I cant even repeat the dream outloud, because I'm scared if I do. I wont be able to be strong. I will crumble. All I told hubs was I dreamt of the baby. I couldn't say any more than that. I didn't want him to cry.

We both have been so emotional the past couple of weeks. Crying every few days about the situation. Our hearts are broken. I have never seen my husband so broken.

I am planning on going down to Arkansas to help my sister after she delivers her baby in a couple of weeks, because the "sperm donor" wont help at all. I'm happy to meet my little nephew but at the same time. I'm dreading the emotions that I know will be there. She is getting her tubes tied. She is 21. I dont understand how women can be so fertile. Im envious. I so wish we could have an oopsie!

We are planning on going on a vacation in August, and that is what I have been focusing on. I have been working out so hardcore the past couple of weeks. I need to lose this last bit of weight before our getaway.

I do have *possibly* good news. I wont believe it til I get a blood test, but so far my temps reflect that I ovulated on Sunday, cycle day 14. Like I said I wont believe it, yet... but I will call my doctor tomorrow and see if they can get me the blood test on Friday. Here is my first ever natural ovulatory(from what I can tell) chart. So far anyways:

Friday, June 24, 2011

Quite the shocker!





THAT MY FRIENDS IS MY FIRST EVER NATURAL + OPK. I HAVE BEEN ON AN HERB CALLED TRIBULUS AND IT DID ITS JOB!!! I HAVE NEVER HAD AN OPK THIS DARK. EVER. TODAY IS CD 12.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Outsider

My heart is aching. Aching for a chance to be a mother. Aching because so many people act like we have a contagious disease and if they ask how we are doing, they may catch it.

So many friends have come and gone. It seems that once they get close enough for me to let them into the part of my life where I feel like I can express my heart, they run. And fast.

I understand this topic is uncomfortable, and painful.

My husband and I feel so lonely. There are very few people who are willing to actually listen to our hearts and let us cry and be real. Even less for my husband than for me. Which makes me angry for him. He is such an amazing guy, yet since being married to me and people realizing we have this issue, no one really takes the time to spend time with him. Which makes me angrier. I get it. Women have babies and most of my friends have moved on, its awkward and uncomfortable. But my husband has done no wrong. He deserves to have guy time. To have men that he can go to when he feels like he is about to break. I have never seen my husband so upset. We have both shed more tears this week then we would like to admit. He needs friends that will love and support and build him up....because he has to be strong for me. He is my support as I walk through the shots, surgery, the needles, the miscarriages...well you get the point. He carries this burden, and just like every husband he just wants to fix it. And he cant.

I have one friend, ONE that I feel that has actually spent the time and heart and emotion to be there for me. The rest, well they have fallen on the side. Her heart is so pure and so loving. She is such a blessing to me. I adore her and her family.

As if we don't feel bad enough about the situation, having to watch our friends move on and have families. They look at us, like we have done something wrong. Or that we are just "being dramatic". Well.. I am sorry, but I really wish we could just have sex and 9 months later a baby is born. I REALLY wish that is how it is for us. It breaks my heart we cant have a baby the "natural" way. It would have saved us already probably almost $20,000 in addition all the heartache and emotion.

I feel like all of this is my fault. Its my body. My disease. I'm an outsider.
And now my husband is too.

When will this end?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day Weekend

Well we have had such a great weekend so far. Only one thing has made it a little more sad than it should have been, but I will tell you about it in a few...

We skipped church because not only is it fathers day, but my church also decided to do baby dedications in all the services. So to protect our hearts we decided God wouldn't hate us if we skipped a weekend of church. Last weekend we couldn't even make it through service without bawling our eyes out...so we just figured this was probably best.

Friday night we went out on the town and had a wonderful night reconnecting.
Last night we hung out with his cousin L and his girlfriend J. It was so much fun! Played Just Dance 2 and Cranium.

Today we discovered a donut shop in Lincoln! Yesterday I was JUST saying how I couldn't believe that there wasn't a donut shop in Lincoln. Well there is. And we bought some, and I dare say they are BETTER than Krispy Kreme. *Gasp*

Ok now to the depressing part of the weekend. Miles finally checked the mail, and guess what was in it? My new pads that I bought from Pink Lemonade Shop & Enfamil Newborn Formula.

Yep. Formula. For the baby that should be arriving in about 5 weeks :'( Formula that is just a gift, formula that I did NOT order. And pads for the many expected future afs that will be here before our child is conceived.

My heart aches. I didn't realize I would be sent a box of formula(not that when I have a baby we will be using formula, I believe breast is best), but still! This was meant for that precious baby. I thought for sure that we would be expecting another little one by the time this baby's due date rolled around. Well boy was I wrong.

I feel empty inside. A place in my heart that has yet to be filled, a place meant for a child. Even though I'm ok with the thought of waiting through the summer to try for a baby...my heart still aches. I wonder how I will be able to make it through a year or more if we end up going through with IVF. Especially since I personally am at this point in time TERRIFIED of doing anything less, terrified that my body wont respond properly. I want complete control. And maybe that's where I'm wrong.

I am trusting God, heck maybe He will bless us without treatment. I'm not sure what his plan is. All I know is I gotta continue to just rest in Him like He has asked of me.


***On a side note, tomorrow is my cycle review with Dr H. Its the appointment where he is going to tell us what went wrong, and all that jazz. Its also the appointment where we will be telling him that we are going to see the RE in Omaha. I'm so nervous!! I don't want him to be mad, but I feel that we need a doctor that is 100% dedicated to this.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Denial

I have a feeling that I have been in denial.

Denial that I was pregnant last week.

Denial that we had yet another early miscarriage.

I refused to even say it out loud til today, but then I finally approached hubs about it.

He thinks its the most logical explanation for what happened.

We got a light positive pregnancy test on Saturday morning. We spent all of Saturday day dreaming about the future, looking at pregnancy books, and I even bought a picture frame that said miracle.

We were convinced, but then the odd cramp happened on Sunday morning. I was hoping that meant baby was snuggling in deeper, but my worst fear was still in the forefront of my mind. I refused to even verbalize it.

The last time I cramped before af came was the last time we had our Thanksgiving loss, and the time before that was our April loss. So when I cramped all day Sunday, I just kept praying for the good. Not even allowing myself to think the bad.

Then on Monday, the cramping got worse, and then I started spotting. By late afternoon my period had arrived, yet was so painful. I have been bleeding so heavy and the clots are insane, this morning I "flooded" myself :(

Tonight, I finally told Miles what I thought was going on. And he agreed that it was likely that is what was happening. I told him I was in denial that we could possibly be having another early loss. His theory is that since it was a premature egg, that it fertilized and tried to implant but failed because the egg wasn't good enough. That seems logical to me. The most likely explanation for the extremely painful bleeding, the "contraction", and the + pregnancy test.

This loss is affecting me differently, maybe I just haven't accepted it quite yet.
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