Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I have often fought with the thought that if I had MORE faith I would get pregnant. Its something that has been said to me a few times. In more ways than one. But you know what? God reminded me of a scripture this morning that really touched my spirit.

Matthew 17:20
20 So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief;[d] for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. 21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

He says very clearly that with the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains...
I totally believe that God CAN get me pregnant, the doubt that I have personally been dealing with is the doubt that He WILL make me pregnant. Honestly, I think that is satan trying to distract me from my relationship with Christ.

I have had such an emotional week, but I truly believe that God is going to answer our prayers...one way or another. Will it be this month? I have no idea, maybe? But if its not, I know that God is holding me in the palm of His hand and I WILL be ok.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Busted Cycle

My ovaries have no idea what the hell they are doing. And consequently I have no idea what the hell we will be doing.

At this point our cycle has been declared a "bust" and it would be a miracle to get pregnant off the two immature eggs I released a few days ago.
Our next steps are to see an RE in Omaha, but as poor as we are, not sure when that will actually happen as the consult alone is $400. I am going to ask my doc about a referral. One follicle was 14mm and the other was 15mm(at the time of the u/s, could have grown before actually rupturing)

I'm worried, scared, and frustrated as to why I had such a bad response to such a good medication.

I'm scared this may mean IVF is in our future. I am not sure.

If we don't get a miracle this week, we will be on hold indefinitely. :'(

I plan on continuing to lose weight, and we will be scheduling an appt for hopefully June or July with the RE. Depending on what she says, we may or may not get to continue our treatments in August. If she says IVF is our only shot, it may be a year before we can try :(

I know God has this in His hands, and I thank Him for everything. But this will definitely be one of the questions I ask Him when we get to heaven... "why"

Friday, May 27, 2011

*Emotional Roller Coaster*

Wow this week has just been insane with emotional highs and lows. From having hope, to it being taken away, to a tiny sliver handed back...

Can I just say I am so ready to get off this emotional roller coaster? The one day being just ok, the next being devastated, the next having more hope its like come ON! How much can one person take?

I am sure the u/s tech is tired of seeing me. This morning I had my fifth u/s of the week! Its insane.

A little rundown of this weeks occurrences:
(Anything over 18mm is mature and ready to be released)
Mondays u/s revealed a 19mm follicle on my left side, and a 13.9mm on my right. So we did an hcg injection to make the left one rupture.

On Tuesday the 19mm one shrunk! To 18mm. The one on my right grew to 14mm. So we continued the follistim, instead of taking 75iu, I decided to take 100iu.

Now on Wednesday things started to get a little interesting. The left one shrunk even more leading the docs to believe that it was dissipating, not ovulating. And even the one on the right started to shrink to 13.5mm.... what the heck is going on?

Now rewind for a moment
On monday there was a tiny follie on my right that measured 8.8mm
By wednesday it measured 9.8, so they decided that is the follie we wanted to stimulate.

Ok now back to Thursdays ultrasound. Thursdays showed that the 13.5mm egg ovulated, but since its immature...I am not sure there can be a pregnancy come out of it. So we continued stimming. But get this...
The 9.8mm one grew to 10.8mm and another one popped up over night measuring like 11.9mm

Now here we are at today's ultrasound. The most exciting yet. I seriously can not believe the news we got today...

*drumroll please*

We have SEVEN follicles. Four on my left. Three on the right.
Five of them showed up OVERNIGHT.
The top four size wise are
L: 15mm, and 12mm
R: 15mm, and 12mm
and then we have two 9mms, and one 10mm....

So what this means is tomorrow morning we go for our ultrasound, and then possibly get the trigger shot tomorrow or Sunday depending on the results.

I seriously can not believe I have 7 follicles. That is INSANE. We had barely two yesterday!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

An Update & Side Effects

So I haven't updated you guys yet....so as you read in my previous post I had the hcg trigger shot on Monday, the 23rd. Which happens to also be our wedding anniversary.

I was excited, this meant an anniversary baby!

But, then it happened..I had the followup ultrasound yesterday and it didn't show as good of news as we were hoping.

My left follie which was the one we were trying to rupture, shrunk... to 18mm.

The right one, grew BARELY to 14mm.

Soo, when the doctor saw it, he had me start BACK up on the follistim. Which I have NEVER heard of. I can not find ANYWHERE that someone has experienced having the trigger and THEN starting BACK UP with the meds....I'm praying to God that I get good news today, because I'm already so worried that this cycle will do nothing but make me get a bunch of cysts...

Now I know that is the update none of us were hoping for. But I'm praying we get better news today..

As far as side effects go, I'm getting them ALL.
Headaches(migraine status)
Bloat(painful, painful bloat)
Mood swings(Watch out!!)
Breast Pain(Miles doesn't like this one)
Back pain(keeps me up at night)

I almost feel like I have the flu. I feel achey and just not well. The side effects start almost immediately after the injection.

It will be worth it if we get a baby out of this, but if not..I wont be a very happy camper.

I am trying so hard to stay positive and not worry, but who am I kidding, I am MORE than worried...I was so hopeful, had such good feelings...but now..I literally have no clue what to expect next.

I guess God likes to keep me on my toes!

Monday, May 23, 2011

My happy place

So today I had my first ultrasound to show how many follicles have been responding to the Follistim and the sizes.

Since my left ovary is so hard to find, it is often incredibly painful when they go digging looking for it. So today I told myself to go to my happy place...Initially I told myself to think about Maui...but instead I got a vision of me holding our baby right after delivery, it calmed me. I felt a sense of joy that I cant explain. I realized right then and there, that I would do anything for my baby. The baby that hasn't even been conceived yet, the baby I so yearn for.

I was told that anything above a 1.8 was considered a mature egg and that is when we would do a trigger. So today I have one follicle that is 1.9mm.

So I leave in about half an hour to go get my HCG injection, and I am praying that the vision I had earlier today does indeed happen in about 9 months...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A request and an update :)

Ashleyasmith87 asked me what our names were. Well Ashley since you asked :) And your so right, talking baby names is a fun distraction from the current situation. LOL
Our daughter will be named Eliana, and our son will be named Broderick. With the nicknames Ellie and Brody. We have more names but since they arent set in stone, I wont mention them yet :) I have a few favs and I want to keep those on the DL til we decide because I dont want anyone to steal them :)(yes that has happened more than once) Those two names are so set in stone, I dont care if anyone else uses them I have had them picked out for a year and a half so they arent going anywhere. :) Eliana was given to us by God. It means "God has answered", and I cried when I found it. It is also a combination of both our mothers names which makes it even more special! I cant wait to use it!!


If anyone has any questions that they want answered feel free to email me at onthelanai127@gmail.com


Now onto the update.

Today is cd 7 and day 2 of my injections :) I haven't started feeling anything in the ovaries yet, but Im sure that will come soon enough!

It was quite the scare as I received a phone call on Tuesday night from the nurse which you can read about here. But apparently the doc thought it was fine so we started our shots yesterday!!!!

I'm so excited. I cant even describe how relieved, excited, and nervous I am! Our first ultrasound is also on our second wedding anniversary!! How exciting is that?! The nurse said ones the follicles reached 18-20mm we would do the HCG injection!

I feel fully confident in our circumstances. We have outstanding swimmers, my tubes are squeaky clean, I have no Endo for the time being and I'm on amazing drugs!!

I am praying for 2-3 amazing follicles. I realize that means we could have twins or heck even triplets, but you know what? I'm ok with that. It will be super hard, but God wont give us more than we can handle!

That is what I'm learning. He likes to push us. I trust Him with all of this!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

*I Am A Freak Of Nature*

So I had my day 5 ultrasound today. I arrived to the imaging center bright and early for my appointment. They wouldn't let my husband back with me, which was kind of irritating...but ok. So then I go back and she did the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I warned her that she wouldn't be able to find my left ovary. Not one tech has in almost 9 months. Well she found it, and DUG around to get all the info and it hurt. BAD. Definitely hurt worse than any other ultrasound Ive EVER had. My legs were shaking and I even teared up. But it only lasted a few minutes, so I made it through.
Oh the things I go through for the chance to have a child.

And then I waited, all day.

Me and Miles went on a date to the movies, for a matinee and then of course 10 minutes in I get a phone call from my doctors office. So I literally run OUT of the theatre to answer the phone. Its just the front desk lady to confirm my appointment in the morning at 8:30 for my injection instruction. So I asked her about my ultrasound because me coming in was dependent on that. She put me on hold and got a nurse.

The nurse got on a few minutes later and said that the doctor wanted to look at it in the morning before I came in because I now have a +2 cyst on my left ovary(which is my bad one). So my right one dissolved, but somehow ON progesterone shot therapy I developed another one on my left. How is this even possible?! I have pcos, but its weird because my LH to FSH ratio is backwards. I have super low lh and high fsh. Its odd to say the least.

They say that with PCOS: weight loss = baby. So how is it that I have lost 20lbs and I'm having issues with cysts now unlike Ive ever had before? It just doesn't make sense.

How is it that I am SUCH a freak of nature?

I am always the patient that makes the doctors scratch their head and go WTH?!

I am freaking out, every month we put this off...is another wasted month of "improved" fertility after the HSG and Lap. Its been almost 2 months since the surgery.

2 months..wasted.

I told the nurse I'm willing to risk it. My cyst is on my bad ovary and quite frankly I don't care what happens to that one. She totally could hear my frustration, she was such a sweetie, thank GOD. She said she understood and hopes that we can figure this out. She said that all the nurses got together and looked at it and they can honestly say they have NO idea what my doctor will do. It will be an interesting conversation to say the least.

I am praying he will let us go ahead with the cycle...if he doesn't I'm not exactly sure what we will do.

I honestly am so discouraged, its been an awful week. I am at the end of my rope. I lost my job yesterday and now this. Before that I was having family issues, and my af was the worst one yet. I didn't leave the couch all weekend except to go to church. The cramps were so insanely bad.

I know God has a plan, but is this His plan..or is this a continued attack from the enemy?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Add one more to the list

I just saw a pic on facebook that suggested yet another person I know is pregnant.


I mean seriously? Is this some sick joke?

When oh when will it be MY turn?! I pray to God its soon because I really don't know how much more of this I can take...

I have already had a few meltdowns in the past two weeks. Last night's was awful. My marriage is definitely solid, but last night my insecurities just came out like a flood.

My husband deserves someone "better". Someone who can give him children without spending thousands of dollars. Someone who can do a better job taking care of him. I don't know...I just hate all of this. It is all my fault.

Of course he disagrees. And deep down I do too. I love him with all my heart, but I truly think this isn't fair. Its not fair that so many women can just have sex and get knocked up like that and here we are begging and pleading, trying, and trying...and still waiting for our miracle.

A "friend" said that it was debatable if it wasn't fair that she got pregnant before me....I mean really?! She got off bc and then BAM pregnant. They werent even freaking trying. Didn't even want kids yet. UGH. I could go on and on and on..but I will stop there.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired of the emotional exhaustion, the depression, the jealousy.

I don't want this to own me anymore. I don't want infertility to define me, yet it has. In huge ways.

Pregnancy announcement #5

In the past two weeks, literally 5 people I know have announced their pregnancies.

I really am the "good luck charm" for everyone else's darn fertility.

*barf* Figures.

Friday, May 13, 2011

AF has arrived

So today is CD 1. About freaking time. Looks like my ultrasound will be Tuesday or Wednesday and then hopefully as long as my cyst is gone I will be starting my baby making shots(follistim) on WEDNESDAY!!!!!!

I can't believe its (hopefully!!) finally here. I have been waiting 9 months to start injections and its finally time. Our anniversary is in 10 days.

Please Lord let us conceive our miracle this month. Please let me respond amazingly and let all my eggs be top notch!!

I am praying for 2-3 mature healthy eggies. We are hoping and praying for twins, but would be happy with whatever God chooses to bless us with!!

Yesterday we drove home from Denver(7 hours) and we talked more about baby names! It was so nice to day dream about the day when we will be pregnant! I cant wait to be pregnant!! Its going to be soooo surreal!! We have two names that have been set in stone since last year, but we came up with a couple more that we love :) Praying we get to use them and SOON!!!!

Please pray that this af isn't as bad as the last one. Thankfully I will be able to bum it all weekend so that is good! The heating pad will be my best friend this weekend :)

I am feeling so much hope now!! Thanks to all of you who have been so nice and supportive through the last few weeks! I so appreciate it!! It means more than I can ever describe.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Learning Who My Real Friends Are

So yesterday I kind of had a meltdown on facebook about all the pregnant "friends" complaining...so I put on my status(apparently a big mistake!) "Dont complain or I will call you out." There was more but I have since deleted it, and I honestly cant remember the exact wording. Anyways, a big debate happened.

I still don't feel I was in the wrong. When there are people who would do anything to be where you are, why on earth would you think it would be ok to complain about something as meaningless as the weather...is beyond me.

Well one of my old friends knew it was about her, not completely but she definitely contributed to this melt down. I have had issues with her for awhile. Before my surgery she acted like she was so excited for my surgery, yet after wards I never got so much as a text to say "Hey how are you?" Or "thinking of you!" NOTHING. That hurt me deeply as she is newly pregnant. I was like "Really? Your husband will ask me every time he sees me how I'm doing, but you don't have the love in you to even ask once how I am doing?"
Her defense was that she was busy, well I am sorry but that has been her excuse every single time I have had something bad happen. When I miscarried both times last year I called/texted her and never got so much as an "Im so sorry"..nothing.

She acted like she was too busy to be a friend.

That is her excuse, well then yesterday she said "I have asked others how you are doing". Well I am sorry, but that is not good enough. That is like asking others how Jesus is and expecting to go to heaven. Or asking people how my husband is and having a healthy marriage.....its impossible.

Well then her best friend said some of the most vial things someone has ever said to me and I fully believe that Satan was using this "Christian" to try and destroy me yesterday. An excerpt from what she wrote on my facebook:

You complain constantly Ashley. Maybe if you put in as much energy as you do with resenting pregnant people into your relationship with God, maybe He would bless you with a child. Honestly, I really don't think you're emotionally stable eno...ugh to handle a baby, let alone financially. God knows what He's doing. Try trusting Him a little bit instead of taking everything into your own hands. No matter how hard you try, if God doesn't want to have a baby, you're not going to have one till He says you're ready. Quit being selfish. Get over yourself.

Wow. Just wow. I would like to know where she gets off knowing what Gods will is? I honestly think she totally let Satan use her yesterday, and that's something that she will have to deal with.

Needless to say after me and my friend posted how it REALLY is to be an infertile, she deleted it all and good thing I saved the screen shots to show my husband before she did. God will deal with her. Plain and Simple.

I know in my heart the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet is because God knew I needed the surgery, not that He COULDN'T heal me, but God DOES heal through medical procedures. I know that my heart is right and yes I deal with emotions and bitterness just as much as the next person, but don't you EVER tell me that its my lack of faith and relationship with God that I cant have a child..because that's just demonic.

So yesterday really just showed me a few things. You never know what people are thinking. You never know the judgmental thoughts people are having about you. I have accepted I will be judged for my thoughts and feelings because I am so open about them...but that is ok. God completely confirmed that I AM IN THE RIGHT yesterday through His word.

My mom opened it randomly it to Psalms 56:
1 Be merciful to me, my God,
for my enemies are in hot pursuit;
all day long they press their attack.
2 My adversaries pursue me all day long;
in their pride many are attacking me.

3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?

5 All day long they twist my words;
all their schemes are for my ruin.
6 They conspire, they lurk,
they watch my steps,
hoping to take my life.
7 Because of their wickedness do not[c] let them escape;
in your anger, God, bring the nations down.

8 Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll[d]—
are they not in your record?
9 Then my enemies will turn back
when I call for help.
By this I will know that God is for me.

10 In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise—
11 in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can man do to me?

12 I am under vows to you, my God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
13 For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

The moment she started reading it to me, I just felt something break off of me. I have been struggling for a few weeks with just a heavy feeling and it totally BROKE OFF yesterday!! I KNOW it was a demonic attack. PRAISE GOD for giving me my peace back!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mothers Day

Tomorrow I would be celebrating my first Mother's Day...with a bouncing 5 month old baby...that is if I hadn't miscarried last April...or if we hadn't lost our second pregnancy I would be around 28 weeks pregnant.

I have been in such a terrible mood, crying constantly for about two weeks...and I kept saying that it wasn't because of the upcoming Mothers day. But that is a lie. I feel so sad, so broken, so angry. I blamed it on my hormones, but I think that is just part of it. I have watched MANY people get pregnant, have babies, get pregnant with #2, etc...and it just makes me so angry. I feel disgusted at the sight of a pregnant belly or a newborn. It churns my stomach, makes me physically ill. Its all I can do not to just cry and cry.

Two nights ago, I lost it. I flat out just had a come apart. I sobbed, shook, couldnt breath, sobbed some more and just honestly wanted to die. All hubs could do was just hold me and pray, because nothing he said could comfort me. I feel like I will never feel ok again until I get that pregnancy that will be the one that I will actually be able to bring home a baby with...

I know that is not a "christian" thing to say, that I wanted to die... but my heart is broken. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. For being angry at God, for wondering why. I hate that I cant stay strong and just know that my time is coming...but is it? Will I actually be able to carry a child in my womb? That thought scares me, more than I can describe.

The diagnosis I have had, makes it so hard to get pregnant and STAY pregnant. And it terrifies me. I see my sister and sister and law and I just sob, I cant stand the thought that they get everything Ive always wanted. And I may never get to carry a baby...my baby. It hurts so much.

I have in the past two weeks been asked if I'm pregnant three times, or better yet today when I went to the mother daughter tea, there were three categories for the door prizes: 1-10 years old, 11-16, and mothers. The lady who said mothers quickly changed it to adults once she realized that I wasn't a mother. How awkward.

Our second wedding anniversary is in 16 days...and I honestly thought by now we would be parents. Oh how my heart hurts this week :'(

Sunday, May 1, 2011

T minus 3 days

In three days we will be taking a last minute trip to my parents place in Colorado. They have about 7 cabins gutted that we have to have ready by Memorial Day weekend!!!! We are going for 7-10 days depending on when I get af. Its an opportunity for them to get the help that they need and us to make the money we need for our upcoming round of treatment.

Its crazy how God has provided for us when it seemed like we were screwed. I'm trying so hard to have hope, while everything feels hopeless.

I think in combination with statistics and hormones its been a challenging week. I have had two of the four PIO shots and I am pretty sure they are doing their job because last night I had some pain that felt like cysts rupturing, but we shall see.

God has a plan, and I truly believe He will be faithful. Please pray for us, as I am so struggling with the feeling of just emotional exhaustion.

Love you guys and thank you for ALL the support!!
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