Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Whoever said "Wait til your pregnant..."

Your a LIAR.

I don't care what you say...when I complain about having to get stuck with a needle, you always give the same response. "Just wait til your pregnant.."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure in the past year and a half of fertility tests and treatments Ive already surpassed a pregnant woman...twice.

So thank you, I still hate needles and I won't get used to them. I will forever want my husband to go with me when you shove a 2 in needle in my butt. I will still want him for my blood draws, ivs, etc. He is my comfort and support in this trying time.

So back off.

Because you my dear are a liar.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

*My incredible life changing night with God*

So lately I will admit, Ive been angry. Questioning God's goodness and feeling like "Job" in the bible. It seems like if its not one thing its another.

I have been just downright exhausted and even more emotionally exhausted and my friend K decided to have an all night prayer meeting at church on Thursday night.

A night of Gethsemane kind of thing.

We would fast sleep and seek God. I loved the thought, but to be honest I didn't wanna go. I was exhausted and completely unmotivated. I was sharing with my Asst Manager about it and she encouraged me to, and when she did I made the decision I would at least try to last til 2am. I wanted to sacrifice something for God. So we went.

I took a few pillows and blankets, throwback soda, some snacks, my journal, and bible. I decided to not sit with hubs as sometimes I feel that I can use him as a crutch. And I didn't want to do that, I wanted to spend time with God just me and Him.

I had some bones to pick. If only I knew what God was about to say to me...

A few years ago I started this thing where I pray that whatever God wants me to read that He will just guide my hands to the right page of the bible. It sounds silly, but it has always been the way that He uses to speak to me. This time I didn't even open it, it just fell open!

As I sat down my bible fell open to Job 38-42. I started reading and soon realized that this was where God pretty much says "Job, are you God? Were you there when the foundations of the earth was created?! What makes you think you know better than I do?!".

I am including all the scriptures because they are so important for you to understand this. Please, please read them all. I know its alot, but I promise it will change your life. (at least it did mine!!) :)

Job chapter 38:
1 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?

12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 “What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
26 to water a land where no one lives,
an uninhabited desert,
27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 “Can you bind the chains[b] of the Pleiades?
Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons[c]
or lead out the Bear[d] with its cubs?
33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God’s[e] dominion over the earth?

34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
36 Who gives the ibis wisdom[f]
or gives the rooster understanding?[g]
37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?
Chapter 39
1 “Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
2 Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?
3 They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.
4 Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return.

5 “Who let the wild donkey go free?
Who untied its ropes?
6 I gave it the wasteland as its home,
the salt flats as its habitat.
7 It laughs at the commotion in the town;
it does not hear a driver’s shout.
8 It ranges the hills for its pasture
and searches for any green thing.

9 “Will the wild ox consent to serve you?
Will it stay by your manger at night?
10 Can you hold it to the furrow with a harness?
Will it till the valleys behind you?
11 Will you rely on it for its great strength?
Will you leave your heavy work to it?
12 Can you trust it to haul in your grain
and bring it to your threshing floor?

13 “The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
though they cannot compare
with the wings and feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on the ground
and lets them warm in the sand,
15 unmindful that a foot may crush them,
that some wild animal may trample them.
16 She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;
she cares not that her labor was in vain,
17 for God did not endow her with wisdom
or give her a share of good sense.
18 Yet when she spreads her feathers to run,
she laughs at horse and rider.

19 “Do you give the horse its strength
or clothe its neck with a flowing mane?
20 Do you make it leap like a locust,
striking terror with its proud snorting?
21 It paws fiercely, rejoicing in its strength,
and charges into the fray.
22 It laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
it does not shy away from the sword.
23 The quiver rattles against its side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.
24 In frenzied excitement it eats up the ground;
it cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.
25 At the blast of the trumpet it snorts, ‘Aha!’
It catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

26 “Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom
and spread its wings toward the south?
27 Does the eagle soar at your command
and build its nest on high?
28 It dwells on a cliff and stays there at night;
a rocky crag is its stronghold.
29 From there it looks for food;
its eyes detect it from afar.
30 Its young ones feast on blood,
and where the slain are, there it is.”

Where He says "I will question you and you will answer me" really messed me up. Its SO INTENSE.

Then I continued reading and in Job 40: 1-14
1 The LORD said to Job:

2 “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”

3 Then Job answered the LORD:

4 “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”

6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

7 “Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

8 “Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God’s,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at all who are proud and bring them low,
12 look at all who are proud and humble them,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

I felt like I had just been spanked by God. I mean He totally called me out. How dare I question His goodness? How dare I question His motives? His plan?

It was my own fault that I put His plan in a box and tried to make things happen on my OWN timing. How can I claim to know better than God?

I truly do believe that the medication I was given will be what gets us pregnant, but then I just assumed I would use it this month and then SHABAM have a bfp by our anniversary.

God was like shaking His finger at me going "Nu uh Ashley. This is on MY time not yours. I have a plan, and this isn't apart of it."

I felt completely convicted and humbled. My heart just broke and I had to repent. I am so sorry that I had been so mad at God when it was my own fault for trying to put Him in my own little box.

After that very intense, very emotional time spent with God I kept debating on whether to go sit with Miles. I really wanted to sit with him, but I kept refusing because I didn't wanna use him as a crutch. I really wanted to have just me and God time. I decided to just keep journaling. That battle between whether to go sit with him lasted about an hour. Finally I got up and decided to sit with him for a few minutes and just ask him what he was feeling and what not. So I got up and joined him on the couch in the middle of the room.

Not even a minute later my friend K came up and asked if she could have everyone come up and pray for us. I welcomed it. I will take any prayer we can get! Especially when someone just offers it!! So she gave a brief update on the situation and asked everyone to gather around us and lay hands on us.

I only lasted maybe a minute before the waterworks started. I just couldn't contain it. I could feel not only the presence of God in that room but I just felt so insanely loved by everyone surrounding us. They prayed and prayed and I just sobbed.
Someone prayed that I wouldn't feel any more guilt and that is when I just shook with tears. I don't talk about the guilt I feel to anyone except my husband and my mom. But that has been a HUGE stronghold on me. I seriously couldn't get past the guilt I felt that it was MY body that was preventing us to do what was "natural". It was me that was preventing us from having a child.
K decided to anoint me with oil. Its the first time Ive been anointed with oil since we started TTCing. I felt God so thick I could barely handle it. It was incredible, overwhelming, and peaceful all at the same time. Oh how I have missed the presence of God.

My heart broke. Maybe that is what He has been waiting for? I have heard that He loves it when we are in our broken place, its where He can mold us.

My God is so just, so loving, and HE HAS A PLAN for my life. There is a reason for ALL of this. I don't know what it is, and I may never know. But my heart has truly changed. I welcome this. Yes I may have my days where I feel absolutely just broken-hearted about infertility. But I hope that when I do, I will be able to look back to that night and remember that God has a plan...we will be parents and I honestly feel that it will be soon. In the mean time, I just need to make sure God is my priority and know that He will bless me, even more so.

Here is the last bit of Job that made me cry. It talks about how God blessed Job doubly. I claim that in the name of Jesus. We are going through this, and that just means whatever is to come is huge and even better than it would have been! God will be glorified through all of this. Lives will be touched through our story.

Job 42: 10-14
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[a] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

I feel so honored that God chose us to go through this. He obviously thinks we are strong enough to go through this and still remain faithful to Him. God allowed Satan to tempt Job and put him through Hell. God knew Job would remain faithful. Even when everyone around him including his wife was telling him that it would be better to just curse God and die...Job refused.

God will not ever give us more than we can handle. I am in no way saying that I am who is getting me through this. Its Christ who gets me through this walk. I honestly do not know how I could ever face this without Him. (I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13)

Lastly, I wanna share with you guys my new favorite song that gives me chills. LOVE IT!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Damn you, residual cyst. Damn you.

So we didnt get very good news today.

It seems my ultrasound revealed a residual cyst on my ovary sooo we have to postpone injections AGAIN. I am so mad. I feel like I have been waiting for this day for so long just to have it ripped away.

What is my consolation prize for having to put everything off a month you ask?
A week full of blissful progesterone-in-oil shots in my butt. Yep. I get the worst shot Ive had to date every other day for an entire week.

Thank you body for showing me YET AGAIN how much you care.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Emotional Vomit

So this week has been a super emotional one. Except I was able to successfully stuff my emotions til I woke up yesterday. But before I talk about yesterday I'm going to get straight to the point.

Shots start tomorrow.

So here we go, the emotional word vomit is coming.....

I'm nervous about the needles. I am scared about the "what ifs" I mean heck, this is freaking expensive. We have been blessed with the medication for this cycle, but then what?! How one earth will we afford more?? What if we do indeed end up pregnant, will we have multiples?! Will I be able to handle that?! What then? How will we afford that many babies?! I feel so much pressure, and I know I shouldn't. But there are SO MANY people praying and hoping for us and I feel that if I don't get pregnant I'm a disappointment to all of them in addition to already being a devastation to me and hubs. I know all of these emotions are "normal" but geez, I'm freaking out.

Ya know?

So yes. There you have it. My emotional vomit. All over your computer screen.

Ill wait for a moment while you clean that up....

All clean? Ok...

Back to yesterday, just had to get all that out there.

I woke up and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. Between my either broken or bruised tailbone and the severe gas pain under my rib which literally hurts so bad I can barely function(its irritating the nerve in my shoulder) I was miserable. So initially I was sobbing about the pain I was in.

That sobbing turned into an even bigger sob fest because all the emotions I have been holding in started coming out. I pretty much spent most of my day crying. I took a break for work(which only lasted 3 hours) and then got back at it. Took another break to hang out with friends, and yep you guessed it, started as soon as we left there. I cried until about 1am.

Today I feel a ton better.

I apologize for the all-overness this post seems to have.

I just have so much I need to get out there. My emotions feel crazy all over the place. Poor hubs.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Cd 1

Af arrived a WEEK EARLY!


But the good news is, at least I will be starting injections sooner...

So yes. My shots start Wednesday night! OMG! ! ! ! ! !

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

To God Be The Glory

Wonder Woman:
Thank you so much for your amazingly encouraging words. They spoke VOLUMES to me.
For those of you who didn't see my previous blog post comments, this is what she wrote:

A scary prognosis is the text book set up for a mind blowing miracle.

Last night as I was crying, and crying, and crying..

I told hubs that I know that I KNOW that God is bigger than this. And that this just means that my miracle will be just THAT MUCH MORE miraculous. And then a sweet gal wrote that on my blog post.

It just confirmed it in my heart and deep in my spirit that God has a plan. A big one. There is a very good reason that we are going through this.

To God be the Glory.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Post OP Appointment

Today I got good and bad news at my post op appointment.

First, He confirmed stage 3 endo, but said he was able to laser it all off. So praise God for that. Definitely buying us some more time. I am trying so hard to count my blessings.

Second, He said that my R ovary is classic PCOS. Its smooth and shiny, not ideal but not terrible. With injects he believes I should have great response.

Third, and the bad L ovary is malformed and pretty much nonfunctional. It may even end up causing problems. He said that WAY FAR down the road if we are still not having success we may even need to remove it.

I KNOW that God is WAY BIGGER than this. ALL OF IT.

But I'm struggling, I am feeling SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!! I'm fighting extreme feelings of doubt, and I seriously seriously seriously DON'T want to feel that.

I am starting injections in a few weeks and I'm so excited, because I feel so much hope in all of that.

Yet, I'm scared of how this will effect future attempts at pregnancy.

I know that Satan is just trying to bring me down, and I don't want that. I just need some prayers. I have had so much peace that on Sunday my spiritual mom actually told me she could see it, and it was radiating off of me. I know Satan is just trying to try bring me down. And I don't want to let him...not in the least.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A little update :)

According to all the signs, my bbt, and what not.. I am officially 1dpo. :O

What?! Did I just say that? On cd 15, I am 1dpo!

I am not 100% convinced because I am requesting a blood test to be done to confirm I have had been fooled before

But I am choosing to be positive and believe all the signs. I had the fertile CM, the bbt temp rise, the cramps, the breast pain, EVEN O spotting!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously cant believe it.

Is it actually possible that I would go from not cycling AT ALL(pre-lap), to having a perfect 28 day cycle(post-lap)? I mean really? I never even O'd on meds this early!!!

But ALL the signs point to it.

We had perfect timing and if I am pregnant I will be due right at the end of December! Which is crazy because I had a dream about a month ago that I had a baby boy on January 1st. I thought to myself that it was just an insignificant dream because I knew the timing would be terribly off because of surgery.

But holy cow....

Monday, April 4, 2011

Feeling renewed

I was laying here, and I got a phone call from a lady at church asking me and my husband to be a leader of small group at our church this summer. I am beyond flattered. To know that someone thinks enough of us to trust us in this type of role is beyond amazing.

I know that God has really been working in my life and stretching and molding me, I can feel the changes. To be honest, I am amazed to look back even the past couple of months and see the growth in my relationship with not only Christ but my husband and my friends. I feel so insanely blessed. My love for Christ is growing every day. I know no matter what we face, He is there. He cares so much about us. Just to think about everything He has done so far, brings me to tears.

We are in the midst of a church wide fast. I chose to give up my favorite forum and my personal facebook for this fast. I am believing that the next three weeks God will continue to mold me, and break off generational curses that have been in my family for years.

I am believing that the spirit of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, lying, and abuse will be broken in the name of Jesus! This will NOT be passed on to my children. My kids will be blessed in the name of Jesus. They will be raised in a home filled with love and prayer. I want my home to be one that you can feel the Spirit of God in.

I have discovered a love for having people over and just being hospitable. I love finding opportunities to have people over and feeding them lol. I have a huge desire that when someone walks in that they can feel Christ's love. I really hope this is the case, and if its not that it will become that way. :)

The past few years I have not been very "involved" in ministry, and I know that God is calling me back. I had a few things that I needed to work through, but I feel like I have gotten through so much spiritually. I know its never ending, and honestly I cant wait to see where God takes me in my relationship with Him and me and hubs in our marriage, our life, and our family.

This post may be all over the place, because I am a lil medicated still LOL but I just had to get all of that out! I love my God and I am SO EXCITED to see where He continues to take us in 2011!! I knew there would be something different about this year and so far I LOVE IT!!


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Its been 48hrs since...

...the laparoscopy and Im feeling good. Well "good" may be a stretch, but Im not in constant pain like I was yesterday.

Im feeling very "gassy" today. With the amount of Co2 he put in me, I suppose its not that big of a surprise that Im still feeling quite bloated and gassy. I can feel the bubbles.

I feel like I need to hold my tummy in, because it hurts if I don't. Kind of like my insides are trying to push out my belly button. I slept with a pillow against my belly and that helped alot. It kept Honu off of my tummy, and kept pressure on it so that it wouldnt "jiggle" lol.

I get tired pretty easily, so I am trying to plan things around naps. My inlaws wanna go out to lunch, and then my friends are coming to visit me! After that Ill probably sleep for good long while.

My doctor said I would feel like I got hit with a baseball bat on my midsection, and boy was he right. Thankfully the pain meds are helping tremendously.

This morning I was able to shower for the first time since Wednesday. It was seriously amazing. Short, because I dont have the energy to stand there for awhile, but I like feeling clean LOL!

Thats all I have for now, Im getting tired again...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Best Song Ever. (For now lol)

Let The Waters Rise by Mikeschair

Trying to wrap my head around things

I am sitting here, thinking about the past 48hrs events. Surgery. Finding out I have stage 3 endometriosis.

I just CANT believe that we finally have "the answers". A year and a half after getting off of birth control and I FINALLY know without a shadow of a doubt that this is my problem. All this time, I thought birth control was the worst thing ever(and it DID effect me in some terrible ways), but it makes me wonder if maybe somehow unknowingly I saved my fertility. Preventing the endo from growing and getting worse. All this time that I havent ovulated, I wonder if God was saving my fertility. All those frustrating months, I wonder if this was all apart of His plan.

My mind goes to the thoughts that maybe just maybe, the past few years has been Him preventing my endo from spreading and getting worse because He knew I needed surgery. Has my "infertility" been His way of protecting me? I dont know. But I am eternally grateful that as far as we know, I should be able to conceive and soon.

Post Op Update

I'm going to do a brief update. Surgery was a complete success!!!

He found moderate Endometriosis on my left and right sides of my uterus and behind my uterus. He said he got most if not ALL of it!! My tubes were clear, and my R ovary looked fine. My L ovary is shaped like a skinny the doc isn't really sure what to think there.

He is going to look at the pics more deeply and go over it with me at my post op appt in 13 days.

Im recovering nicely, sore and tired. The doc gave me anti-nausea pills, so thats nice.

I puked a few times yesterday, but now that I have the zofran I should be fine.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO ME! Im sleeping in 3 hour increments and getting drowsy again.. <3 you ladies!
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