Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Its time to say goodbye.

This blog has been an amazing thing for me. But I decided that since I can not write what I want or need to write on here without making it private, that I would move over to a new blog.

One that I will protect from family(unless your seeing this, in which case you have my permission to follow me over).
My new blog address is http://allaboutgodsgrace.blogspot.com/

It is a public blog, but I am hoping this one will be one where I feel safe writing.
I will no longer be posting on here. I so appreciate the followers and hope to see you over there!
Love you all!

Monday, July 11, 2011

My sonohysterogram has been scheduled...

...for Monday July 18th at 8am. I am beyond nervous, but it will be good to get it out of the way!

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I know its been awhile

I'm so sorry for that!

I have a cycle update. Today is cd 28, 14 dpo and af arrived!

I had a perfect 28 day cycle. Its the first time since I was like 14 and its awesome.

I will admit I am bummed we aren't pregnant. But...

We are going to Florida in August for vacation and I'm trying so hard to lose as much weight as possible. Ive been going to the gym almost every day, and I joined a Zumba class!

So me getting af is a bummer, but at the same time its relieving because I'm working so hard towards my weight goal!

I got to redecorate my bedroom this week. Our bed wont be in for a month, so that stinks..but once it is I will post pics!

I am going to do research on how to improve egg quality and hopefully have a stronger ovulation next time!

I will be having alot of tests done this month. On day 3(Tuesday) I will be getting all my hormones tested as well as being tested for all the different blood clotting disorders. Then sometime between cd 5-12 I will be getting an Sonohysterogram(SHG) done. These tests will be done to see if there is a reason for our reoccurring early losses.

I'm nervous, but I know it will be good. I have a good feeling for August *wink* I cant help it! LOL

Friday, July 1, 2011

A big accomplishment

We just got the phone call from my nurse that I did indeed ovulate on my own.


This has never happened before.

God is good.

My numbers were lower than they like to see. But at the same its still an accomplishment. I will just start my progesterone support tonight.

Even if I don't get pregnant, this is still a big accomplishment. In two years my body hasn't been able to do this. It finally has.

Here is my chart so far:

Emotionally I feel just blah. But I'm trusting God. He has this in His hands...He has called us to wait on Him. And that is exactly what we are doing. I can't trust my feelings. They will lie to me. I have to trust that God has a reason to make us wait.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Waging War

I just need to vent. I swear if my brother and sister in law steal our baby girl's name. There will be war.

God gave us that name. It is not even an option to change it.

If his family thinks there are issues now..wait til this happens.

(I have a gut feeling it will...could be paranoia, but as they are being SO SECRETIVE over it..I doubt it)


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

4 weeks and 1 day

That is how long til my due date for our loss on Thanksgiving. :(

I have been doing really good on not dwelling on that.

But the past two nights have haunted me. I have woken up in a sweat on the verge of tears because I'm dreaming of the baby that should be.

Last nights dream, I remember so well. My sister-in-law was talking about how her baby was coming soon. And I lost it. I started screaming "my baby, my baby" over and over again, just sobbing. It makes me dread for whats to come. More than I have recently. I want so desperately to hold a baby in my arms. I cant even repeat the dream outloud, because I'm scared if I do. I wont be able to be strong. I will crumble. All I told hubs was I dreamt of the baby. I couldn't say any more than that. I didn't want him to cry.

We both have been so emotional the past couple of weeks. Crying every few days about the situation. Our hearts are broken. I have never seen my husband so broken.

I am planning on going down to Arkansas to help my sister after she delivers her baby in a couple of weeks, because the "sperm donor" wont help at all. I'm happy to meet my little nephew but at the same time. I'm dreading the emotions that I know will be there. She is getting her tubes tied. She is 21. I dont understand how women can be so fertile. Im envious. I so wish we could have an oopsie!

We are planning on going on a vacation in August, and that is what I have been focusing on. I have been working out so hardcore the past couple of weeks. I need to lose this last bit of weight before our getaway.

I do have *possibly* good news. I wont believe it til I get a blood test, but so far my temps reflect that I ovulated on Sunday, cycle day 14. Like I said I wont believe it, yet... but I will call my doctor tomorrow and see if they can get me the blood test on Friday. Here is my first ever natural ovulatory(from what I can tell) chart. So far anyways:

Friday, June 24, 2011

Quite the shocker!


Monday, June 20, 2011


My heart is aching. Aching for a chance to be a mother. Aching because so many people act like we have a contagious disease and if they ask how we are doing, they may catch it.

So many friends have come and gone. It seems that once they get close enough for me to let them into the part of my life where I feel like I can express my heart, they run. And fast.

I understand this topic is uncomfortable, and painful.

My husband and I feel so lonely. There are very few people who are willing to actually listen to our hearts and let us cry and be real. Even less for my husband than for me. Which makes me angry for him. He is such an amazing guy, yet since being married to me and people realizing we have this issue, no one really takes the time to spend time with him. Which makes me angrier. I get it. Women have babies and most of my friends have moved on, its awkward and uncomfortable. But my husband has done no wrong. He deserves to have guy time. To have men that he can go to when he feels like he is about to break. I have never seen my husband so upset. We have both shed more tears this week then we would like to admit. He needs friends that will love and support and build him up....because he has to be strong for me. He is my support as I walk through the shots, surgery, the needles, the miscarriages...well you get the point. He carries this burden, and just like every husband he just wants to fix it. And he cant.

I have one friend, ONE that I feel that has actually spent the time and heart and emotion to be there for me. The rest, well they have fallen on the side. Her heart is so pure and so loving. She is such a blessing to me. I adore her and her family.

As if we don't feel bad enough about the situation, having to watch our friends move on and have families. They look at us, like we have done something wrong. Or that we are just "being dramatic". Well.. I am sorry, but I really wish we could just have sex and 9 months later a baby is born. I REALLY wish that is how it is for us. It breaks my heart we cant have a baby the "natural" way. It would have saved us already probably almost $20,000 in addition all the heartache and emotion.

I feel like all of this is my fault. Its my body. My disease. I'm an outsider.
And now my husband is too.

When will this end?

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day Weekend

Well we have had such a great weekend so far. Only one thing has made it a little more sad than it should have been, but I will tell you about it in a few...

We skipped church because not only is it fathers day, but my church also decided to do baby dedications in all the services. So to protect our hearts we decided God wouldn't hate us if we skipped a weekend of church. Last weekend we couldn't even make it through service without bawling our eyes out...so we just figured this was probably best.

Friday night we went out on the town and had a wonderful night reconnecting.
Last night we hung out with his cousin L and his girlfriend J. It was so much fun! Played Just Dance 2 and Cranium.

Today we discovered a donut shop in Lincoln! Yesterday I was JUST saying how I couldn't believe that there wasn't a donut shop in Lincoln. Well there is. And we bought some, and I dare say they are BETTER than Krispy Kreme. *Gasp*

Ok now to the depressing part of the weekend. Miles finally checked the mail, and guess what was in it? My new pads that I bought from Pink Lemonade Shop & Enfamil Newborn Formula.

Yep. Formula. For the baby that should be arriving in about 5 weeks :'( Formula that is just a gift, formula that I did NOT order. And pads for the many expected future afs that will be here before our child is conceived.

My heart aches. I didn't realize I would be sent a box of formula(not that when I have a baby we will be using formula, I believe breast is best), but still! This was meant for that precious baby. I thought for sure that we would be expecting another little one by the time this baby's due date rolled around. Well boy was I wrong.

I feel empty inside. A place in my heart that has yet to be filled, a place meant for a child. Even though I'm ok with the thought of waiting through the summer to try for a baby...my heart still aches. I wonder how I will be able to make it through a year or more if we end up going through with IVF. Especially since I personally am at this point in time TERRIFIED of doing anything less, terrified that my body wont respond properly. I want complete control. And maybe that's where I'm wrong.

I am trusting God, heck maybe He will bless us without treatment. I'm not sure what his plan is. All I know is I gotta continue to just rest in Him like He has asked of me.

***On a side note, tomorrow is my cycle review with Dr H. Its the appointment where he is going to tell us what went wrong, and all that jazz. Its also the appointment where we will be telling him that we are going to see the RE in Omaha. I'm so nervous!! I don't want him to be mad, but I feel that we need a doctor that is 100% dedicated to this.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I have a feeling that I have been in denial.

Denial that I was pregnant last week.

Denial that we had yet another early miscarriage.

I refused to even say it out loud til today, but then I finally approached hubs about it.

He thinks its the most logical explanation for what happened.

We got a light positive pregnancy test on Saturday morning. We spent all of Saturday day dreaming about the future, looking at pregnancy books, and I even bought a picture frame that said miracle.

We were convinced, but then the odd cramp happened on Sunday morning. I was hoping that meant baby was snuggling in deeper, but my worst fear was still in the forefront of my mind. I refused to even verbalize it.

The last time I cramped before af came was the last time we had our Thanksgiving loss, and the time before that was our April loss. So when I cramped all day Sunday, I just kept praying for the good. Not even allowing myself to think the bad.

Then on Monday, the cramping got worse, and then I started spotting. By late afternoon my period had arrived, yet was so painful. I have been bleeding so heavy and the clots are insane, this morning I "flooded" myself :(

Tonight, I finally told Miles what I thought was going on. And he agreed that it was likely that is what was happening. I told him I was in denial that we could possibly be having another early loss. His theory is that since it was a premature egg, that it fertilized and tried to implant but failed because the egg wasn't good enough. That seems logical to me. The most likely explanation for the extremely painful bleeding, the "contraction", and the + pregnancy test.

This loss is affecting me differently, maybe I just haven't accepted it quite yet.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

201st Post!!

Wow!! I cant believe that Ive posted over 200 posts! That is just insane! :)

I just wanted to share that AF came last night, so we are officially on (an undetermined length) break.

We really need an emotional break from worrying about this. So in August we are going to fly far away for a few days and maybe even not tell people where we are going for vacation! Just me and the hubs, no interruptions, and I am so excited!

Im going to continue to work out hardcore and see how skinny I can get before going on our getaway!!

We have an appt with the RE for July 22nd. I am excited for it, but its still so far away, so I am just going to not worry about it.

Im actually ok that this cycle didnt work. I have things I need to work through and to be honest, I'm excited about it.

In less than a year, Hubs will be graduated with a Masters in Civil Engineering, who knows where we could end up! We are so excited because when most couples get married they get to do to the whole move into a new house thing, set things up how you like it, pick everything out, etc...and we never got to do that. We have been living in the same house since before we got married because his parents own it, and they let us live there for free since hubs is still in school. So as we will definitely not turn it down, Im excited for when we get to pick a house out for ourselves. I keep daydreaming about searching for a house, painting, moving in, etc. :D That is apart of being "newly weds" we never got to do, and I'M SO EXCITED!! At that point it will be right around our third wedding anniversary :) I am so proud of him! He has been working hard, and he is so close! <3

These sort of things are making me excited.

At this point in time, as much as I hate being childless, I plan on spending the next year enjoying it. I can sleep in, I can go where EVER I want, when ever I want. I can drink. I can have sex whenever I want(well as long as hubs is home tehehe) We are going to go on an adult only vacation, and if we end up doing treatment then great..but who knows..maybe God is not going to have us do anymore? I'm not sure. All I know is at this point in time, He is calling me to sit still and just wait on Him.

Monday, June 13, 2011

And the spotting has started

which in and of itself is so odd!

But I'm definitely hoping this means af will come sooner this time around!

We are praying for new directions. We have an appt with the RE here next month and between now and then I plan on losing some more weight and doing some projects around the house. Hopefully selling our car, and then once the RE gives us her thoughts we will decide from there where to go with treatment. I need a mental break from infertility. And I plan on taking it.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


So af was due two days ago, but since I had pio shots it shouldnt come for another 5 days. Well today in church there was something that happened and not gonna lie it was odd and I honestly have no idea what to think about it.

During one of the worship songs my whole stomach seized up. It felt exactly like how I would imagine a contraction during labor feeling like. I felt like I was going to pass out. I didnt tell Miles til a couple hours later, and his first reaction was "implantation?". I promptly said nope. I have no hope for this cycle. Unless I ovulated later than the ovulation we are going by, there is no way implanting this "late" in the cycle could be possible...

Well then this afternoon, we were at church and I spotted. I never spot. Unless I'm on af anyways. Well, it went away a few minutes later. It was brown. I really have NO CLUE what to think. Is af arriving early? Is this a miraculous implantation?

Who knows..all I know is I want off this emotional roller coaster. I want to be free of worrying about children and babies. I really wish I was one of those people who didnt desire to be a mom. Because then infertility wouldn't hurt so dang bad.

Oh and get this:

I got this yesterday in my fortune cookie...

God can use fortune cookies? Right?

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Vivid Dream

So I had a dream. Its one of those repeat dreams that happen ever so often.
I had it a few months ago, but then forgot about it before I even told hubs about it.
Well this morning I made sure I told him about it as soon as I woke up.

First off me and Miles somehow could breath in water. Then we had to jump in this hole in the ground(aka a cave) that was water filled. Well, then we had to swim through this tiny opening and it opened into a room full of big balls. Kind of like water balloons but the size of a workout ball. I swam around in the room popping the balls like no bodies business.
After that we transitioned into another room. It was full of baby toys and stuff. Hubs' mom and Aunt C were there, I also think his cousin K was there too but that part is fuzzy. Anyways, after a few minutes in that room, we went to the pooh bear display and behind that was a secret door that led to the piranhas that were protecting the big fish that we had to defeat. Last time I had this dream, we defeated the big fish and then I woke up. This time, we only got so far as to get to the piranhas.

This is hubs' interpretation. This is our journey to try to get pregnant. The balls I popped were my eggs, we were the sperm, the cave was well the vajajay and the big fish is Endo. Since we don't know if we are pregnant now...that is why my dream ended early.

It totally didn't hit me til after he "interpreted it" that it sounds EXACTLY like that. Its so weird, but I remember so much more this time around..but last time there were more rooms that we had to go through. This time the "journey" was more simple. Still scary, yet not as complicated.

Makes me wonder what is going to happen....

A week worth of updates(sort of)

Sorry to have been MIA. I just wanna say thank you ladies for being interested in my blog, but from here on out..anything that is said here is completely 100% private. A few of you know me in real life, so if I announce a pregnancy or something to that effect please don't tell anyone so that we are able to announce when WE feel comfortable :)
This portion of the blog was written on 6-8-11
This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster. I have had faint lines on pregnancy tests, yet my blood test on Wednesday say <5, but everyone has to start somewhere so I wonder if maybe I'm borderline, maybe like 4.5...but since it wasn't a 5 it wasn't "counted". I really wished they had given me a number, but they didn't. :(
I feel so pregnant, my chart says "pregnant", and those tests are really messing with my head. I know there are lines there as hubs can see them too. Grr. If they are ALL bad tests, I am going to be so heartbroken. :(

______________________this portion was written on 6-10-11
Well today is 14dpo, still having faint lines, so they just must be bad tests :(
I have pretty much given up hope for this cycle. My temps look insanely good, but I dont feel like I can even trust those.
If I dont get af by Tuesday(which I wont) then we will be repeating the blood test.
Today I was beyond stressed with everything and my back has been hurting alot so hubs sent me to get a massage. She worked out alot of knots, so that was good..but it was a very painful process. I left feeling very relaxed, yet exhausted. Ive been so tired this week.
Symptoms of the week:
Exhuastion, frequent urination, extreme thirst(which could explain the frequent urination), bloat, feeling weepy, extremely high temps, no sore boobs, and an acne breakout.

Again Im not counting anything anymore. Me and hubs were convinced that I was pregnant, yet now..I am not so sure. Please pray for us, as this has definitely been one of the most stressful TWWs ever.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Blog Transition

Hey guys, because of some people who have been reading my blog recently, I decided to make it private, at least for now. I need a safe place to get what I need to get out without being judged. So if you would still like to continue my journey, please email me at onthelanai127@gmail.com and I will add you :)
Thank you so much for understanding!

It will be going private on June 10th as I wanna give all my readers a chance to see this.

My Refuge.

This post will be just a bunch of random ramblings....
My temp dipped down and came back up this morning. Could be a coincidence, but I am MAKING myself be hopeful.

My temps are staying up higher than they ever have before. I got my progesterone/estrodial blood test yesterday and afterwards I got my first PIO injection. Im praying that my progesterone showed I had a strong ovulation, stronger than the U/S showed. Im praying that miraculously my follies grew big enough before releasing the egg. Or at the very least that the eggs were mature.

As far as "symptoms" go. Not much is going on. Sore/heavy boobs and a light cramping here and there. Mood swings like crazy, but all of these are probably a result of the hormones, and not pregnancy.

The doctor doesn't feel hopeful. But honestly, I definitely still have hope. Last night's sermon at church was like God speaking DIRECTLY to us. My husband definitely said that he feels that I will be pregnant more now than he did before. The sermon was on how God is our refuge in times of struggle. He will give us relief when we can't go anymore. Hubs took that as God sending us our blessing now, because we can't handle much more. I honestly am struggling with this.

I want so hard to believe that those thoughts and feelings of peace and just knowing this would be the month we conceived are still relevant.

But at the same time, I am really trying to protect my heart. I kind of feel that if God wants me to be pregnant, He will make it happen. So instead of worrying and all that, I have instead turned on the worship music, and that's how I'm spending my days. Listening to worship music, and praising while I wait. God has a plan, and even though I'm so terrified of how much longer I will have to wait, I will continue to praise Him.
Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


I have often fought with the thought that if I had MORE faith I would get pregnant. Its something that has been said to me a few times. In more ways than one. But you know what? God reminded me of a scripture this morning that really touched my spirit.

Matthew 17:20
20 So Jesus said to them, “Because of your unbelief;[d] for assuredly, I say to you, if you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. 21 However, this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.”

He says very clearly that with the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains...
I totally believe that God CAN get me pregnant, the doubt that I have personally been dealing with is the doubt that He WILL make me pregnant. Honestly, I think that is satan trying to distract me from my relationship with Christ.

I have had such an emotional week, but I truly believe that God is going to answer our prayers...one way or another. Will it be this month? I have no idea, maybe? But if its not, I know that God is holding me in the palm of His hand and I WILL be ok.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Busted Cycle

My ovaries have no idea what the hell they are doing. And consequently I have no idea what the hell we will be doing.

At this point our cycle has been declared a "bust" and it would be a miracle to get pregnant off the two immature eggs I released a few days ago.
Our next steps are to see an RE in Omaha, but as poor as we are, not sure when that will actually happen as the consult alone is $400. I am going to ask my doc about a referral. One follicle was 14mm and the other was 15mm(at the time of the u/s, could have grown before actually rupturing)

I'm worried, scared, and frustrated as to why I had such a bad response to such a good medication.

I'm scared this may mean IVF is in our future. I am not sure.

If we don't get a miracle this week, we will be on hold indefinitely. :'(

I plan on continuing to lose weight, and we will be scheduling an appt for hopefully June or July with the RE. Depending on what she says, we may or may not get to continue our treatments in August. If she says IVF is our only shot, it may be a year before we can try :(

I know God has this in His hands, and I thank Him for everything. But this will definitely be one of the questions I ask Him when we get to heaven... "why"

Friday, May 27, 2011

*Emotional Roller Coaster*

Wow this week has just been insane with emotional highs and lows. From having hope, to it being taken away, to a tiny sliver handed back...

Can I just say I am so ready to get off this emotional roller coaster? The one day being just ok, the next being devastated, the next having more hope its like come ON! How much can one person take?

I am sure the u/s tech is tired of seeing me. This morning I had my fifth u/s of the week! Its insane.

A little rundown of this weeks occurrences:
(Anything over 18mm is mature and ready to be released)
Mondays u/s revealed a 19mm follicle on my left side, and a 13.9mm on my right. So we did an hcg injection to make the left one rupture.

On Tuesday the 19mm one shrunk! To 18mm. The one on my right grew to 14mm. So we continued the follistim, instead of taking 75iu, I decided to take 100iu.

Now on Wednesday things started to get a little interesting. The left one shrunk even more leading the docs to believe that it was dissipating, not ovulating. And even the one on the right started to shrink to 13.5mm.... what the heck is going on?

Now rewind for a moment
On monday there was a tiny follie on my right that measured 8.8mm
By wednesday it measured 9.8, so they decided that is the follie we wanted to stimulate.

Ok now back to Thursdays ultrasound. Thursdays showed that the 13.5mm egg ovulated, but since its immature...I am not sure there can be a pregnancy come out of it. So we continued stimming. But get this...
The 9.8mm one grew to 10.8mm and another one popped up over night measuring like 11.9mm

Now here we are at today's ultrasound. The most exciting yet. I seriously can not believe the news we got today...

*drumroll please*

We have SEVEN follicles. Four on my left. Three on the right.
Five of them showed up OVERNIGHT.
The top four size wise are
L: 15mm, and 12mm
R: 15mm, and 12mm
and then we have two 9mms, and one 10mm....

So what this means is tomorrow morning we go for our ultrasound, and then possibly get the trigger shot tomorrow or Sunday depending on the results.

I seriously can not believe I have 7 follicles. That is INSANE. We had barely two yesterday!!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

An Update & Side Effects

So I haven't updated you guys yet....so as you read in my previous post I had the hcg trigger shot on Monday, the 23rd. Which happens to also be our wedding anniversary.

I was excited, this meant an anniversary baby!

But, then it happened..I had the followup ultrasound yesterday and it didn't show as good of news as we were hoping.

My left follie which was the one we were trying to rupture, shrunk... to 18mm.

The right one, grew BARELY to 14mm.

Soo, when the doctor saw it, he had me start BACK up on the follistim. Which I have NEVER heard of. I can not find ANYWHERE that someone has experienced having the trigger and THEN starting BACK UP with the meds....I'm praying to God that I get good news today, because I'm already so worried that this cycle will do nothing but make me get a bunch of cysts...

Now I know that is the update none of us were hoping for. But I'm praying we get better news today..

As far as side effects go, I'm getting them ALL.
Headaches(migraine status)
Bloat(painful, painful bloat)
Mood swings(Watch out!!)
Breast Pain(Miles doesn't like this one)
Back pain(keeps me up at night)

I almost feel like I have the flu. I feel achey and just not well. The side effects start almost immediately after the injection.

It will be worth it if we get a baby out of this, but if not..I wont be a very happy camper.

I am trying so hard to stay positive and not worry, but who am I kidding, I am MORE than worried...I was so hopeful, had such good feelings...but now..I literally have no clue what to expect next.

I guess God likes to keep me on my toes!

Monday, May 23, 2011

My happy place

So today I had my first ultrasound to show how many follicles have been responding to the Follistim and the sizes.

Since my left ovary is so hard to find, it is often incredibly painful when they go digging looking for it. So today I told myself to go to my happy place...Initially I told myself to think about Maui...but instead I got a vision of me holding our baby right after delivery, it calmed me. I felt a sense of joy that I cant explain. I realized right then and there, that I would do anything for my baby. The baby that hasn't even been conceived yet, the baby I so yearn for.

I was told that anything above a 1.8 was considered a mature egg and that is when we would do a trigger. So today I have one follicle that is 1.9mm.

So I leave in about half an hour to go get my HCG injection, and I am praying that the vision I had earlier today does indeed happen in about 9 months...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

A request and an update :)

Ashleyasmith87 asked me what our names were. Well Ashley since you asked :) And your so right, talking baby names is a fun distraction from the current situation. LOL
Our daughter will be named Eliana, and our son will be named Broderick. With the nicknames Ellie and Brody. We have more names but since they arent set in stone, I wont mention them yet :) I have a few favs and I want to keep those on the DL til we decide because I dont want anyone to steal them :)(yes that has happened more than once) Those two names are so set in stone, I dont care if anyone else uses them I have had them picked out for a year and a half so they arent going anywhere. :) Eliana was given to us by God. It means "God has answered", and I cried when I found it. It is also a combination of both our mothers names which makes it even more special! I cant wait to use it!!


If anyone has any questions that they want answered feel free to email me at onthelanai127@gmail.com


Now onto the update.

Today is cd 7 and day 2 of my injections :) I haven't started feeling anything in the ovaries yet, but Im sure that will come soon enough!

It was quite the scare as I received a phone call on Tuesday night from the nurse which you can read about here. But apparently the doc thought it was fine so we started our shots yesterday!!!!

I'm so excited. I cant even describe how relieved, excited, and nervous I am! Our first ultrasound is also on our second wedding anniversary!! How exciting is that?! The nurse said ones the follicles reached 18-20mm we would do the HCG injection!

I feel fully confident in our circumstances. We have outstanding swimmers, my tubes are squeaky clean, I have no Endo for the time being and I'm on amazing drugs!!

I am praying for 2-3 amazing follicles. I realize that means we could have twins or heck even triplets, but you know what? I'm ok with that. It will be super hard, but God wont give us more than we can handle!

That is what I'm learning. He likes to push us. I trust Him with all of this!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

*I Am A Freak Of Nature*

So I had my day 5 ultrasound today. I arrived to the imaging center bright and early for my appointment. They wouldn't let my husband back with me, which was kind of irritating...but ok. So then I go back and she did the trans-vaginal ultrasound. I warned her that she wouldn't be able to find my left ovary. Not one tech has in almost 9 months. Well she found it, and DUG around to get all the info and it hurt. BAD. Definitely hurt worse than any other ultrasound Ive EVER had. My legs were shaking and I even teared up. But it only lasted a few minutes, so I made it through.
Oh the things I go through for the chance to have a child.

And then I waited, all day.

Me and Miles went on a date to the movies, for a matinee and then of course 10 minutes in I get a phone call from my doctors office. So I literally run OUT of the theatre to answer the phone. Its just the front desk lady to confirm my appointment in the morning at 8:30 for my injection instruction. So I asked her about my ultrasound because me coming in was dependent on that. She put me on hold and got a nurse.

The nurse got on a few minutes later and said that the doctor wanted to look at it in the morning before I came in because I now have a +2 cyst on my left ovary(which is my bad one). So my right one dissolved, but somehow ON progesterone shot therapy I developed another one on my left. How is this even possible?! I have pcos, but its weird because my LH to FSH ratio is backwards. I have super low lh and high fsh. Its odd to say the least.

They say that with PCOS: weight loss = baby. So how is it that I have lost 20lbs and I'm having issues with cysts now unlike Ive ever had before? It just doesn't make sense.

How is it that I am SUCH a freak of nature?

I am always the patient that makes the doctors scratch their head and go WTH?!

I am freaking out, every month we put this off...is another wasted month of "improved" fertility after the HSG and Lap. Its been almost 2 months since the surgery.

2 months..wasted.

I told the nurse I'm willing to risk it. My cyst is on my bad ovary and quite frankly I don't care what happens to that one. She totally could hear my frustration, she was such a sweetie, thank GOD. She said she understood and hopes that we can figure this out. She said that all the nurses got together and looked at it and they can honestly say they have NO idea what my doctor will do. It will be an interesting conversation to say the least.

I am praying he will let us go ahead with the cycle...if he doesn't I'm not exactly sure what we will do.

I honestly am so discouraged, its been an awful week. I am at the end of my rope. I lost my job yesterday and now this. Before that I was having family issues, and my af was the worst one yet. I didn't leave the couch all weekend except to go to church. The cramps were so insanely bad.

I know God has a plan, but is this His plan..or is this a continued attack from the enemy?

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Add one more to the list

I just saw a pic on facebook that suggested yet another person I know is pregnant.


I mean seriously? Is this some sick joke?

When oh when will it be MY turn?! I pray to God its soon because I really don't know how much more of this I can take...

I have already had a few meltdowns in the past two weeks. Last night's was awful. My marriage is definitely solid, but last night my insecurities just came out like a flood.

My husband deserves someone "better". Someone who can give him children without spending thousands of dollars. Someone who can do a better job taking care of him. I don't know...I just hate all of this. It is all my fault.

Of course he disagrees. And deep down I do too. I love him with all my heart, but I truly think this isn't fair. Its not fair that so many women can just have sex and get knocked up like that and here we are begging and pleading, trying, and trying...and still waiting for our miracle.

A "friend" said that it was debatable if it wasn't fair that she got pregnant before me....I mean really?! She got off bc and then BAM pregnant. They werent even freaking trying. Didn't even want kids yet. UGH. I could go on and on and on..but I will stop there.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired of the emotional exhaustion, the depression, the jealousy.

I don't want this to own me anymore. I don't want infertility to define me, yet it has. In huge ways.

Pregnancy announcement #5

In the past two weeks, literally 5 people I know have announced their pregnancies.

I really am the "good luck charm" for everyone else's darn fertility.

*barf* Figures.

Friday, May 13, 2011

AF has arrived

So today is CD 1. About freaking time. Looks like my ultrasound will be Tuesday or Wednesday and then hopefully as long as my cyst is gone I will be starting my baby making shots(follistim) on WEDNESDAY!!!!!!

I can't believe its (hopefully!!) finally here. I have been waiting 9 months to start injections and its finally time. Our anniversary is in 10 days.

Please Lord let us conceive our miracle this month. Please let me respond amazingly and let all my eggs be top notch!!

I am praying for 2-3 mature healthy eggies. We are hoping and praying for twins, but would be happy with whatever God chooses to bless us with!!

Yesterday we drove home from Denver(7 hours) and we talked more about baby names! It was so nice to day dream about the day when we will be pregnant! I cant wait to be pregnant!! Its going to be soooo surreal!! We have two names that have been set in stone since last year, but we came up with a couple more that we love :) Praying we get to use them and SOON!!!!

Please pray that this af isn't as bad as the last one. Thankfully I will be able to bum it all weekend so that is good! The heating pad will be my best friend this weekend :)

I am feeling so much hope now!! Thanks to all of you who have been so nice and supportive through the last few weeks! I so appreciate it!! It means more than I can ever describe.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Learning Who My Real Friends Are

So yesterday I kind of had a meltdown on facebook about all the pregnant "friends" complaining...so I put on my status(apparently a big mistake!) "Dont complain or I will call you out." There was more but I have since deleted it, and I honestly cant remember the exact wording. Anyways, a big debate happened.

I still don't feel I was in the wrong. When there are people who would do anything to be where you are, why on earth would you think it would be ok to complain about something as meaningless as the weather...is beyond me.

Well one of my old friends knew it was about her, not completely but she definitely contributed to this melt down. I have had issues with her for awhile. Before my surgery she acted like she was so excited for my surgery, yet after wards I never got so much as a text to say "Hey how are you?" Or "thinking of you!" NOTHING. That hurt me deeply as she is newly pregnant. I was like "Really? Your husband will ask me every time he sees me how I'm doing, but you don't have the love in you to even ask once how I am doing?"
Her defense was that she was busy, well I am sorry but that has been her excuse every single time I have had something bad happen. When I miscarried both times last year I called/texted her and never got so much as an "Im so sorry"..nothing.

She acted like she was too busy to be a friend.

That is her excuse, well then yesterday she said "I have asked others how you are doing". Well I am sorry, but that is not good enough. That is like asking others how Jesus is and expecting to go to heaven. Or asking people how my husband is and having a healthy marriage.....its impossible.

Well then her best friend said some of the most vial things someone has ever said to me and I fully believe that Satan was using this "Christian" to try and destroy me yesterday. An excerpt from what she wrote on my facebook:

You complain constantly Ashley. Maybe if you put in as much energy as you do with resenting pregnant people into your relationship with God, maybe He would bless you with a child. Honestly, I really don't think you're emotionally stable eno...ugh to handle a baby, let alone financially. God knows what He's doing. Try trusting Him a little bit instead of taking everything into your own hands. No matter how hard you try, if God doesn't want to have a baby, you're not going to have one till He says you're ready. Quit being selfish. Get over yourself.

Wow. Just wow. I would like to know where she gets off knowing what Gods will is? I honestly think she totally let Satan use her yesterday, and that's something that she will have to deal with.

Needless to say after me and my friend posted how it REALLY is to be an infertile, she deleted it all and good thing I saved the screen shots to show my husband before she did. God will deal with her. Plain and Simple.

I know in my heart the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet is because God knew I needed the surgery, not that He COULDN'T heal me, but God DOES heal through medical procedures. I know that my heart is right and yes I deal with emotions and bitterness just as much as the next person, but don't you EVER tell me that its my lack of faith and relationship with God that I cant have a child..because that's just demonic.

So yesterday really just showed me a few things. You never know what people are thinking. You never know the judgmental thoughts people are having about you. I have accepted I will be judged for my thoughts and feelings because I am so open about them...but that is ok. God completely confirmed that I AM IN THE RIGHT yesterday through His word.

My mom opened it randomly it to Psalms 56:
1 Be merciful to me, my God,
for my enemies are in hot pursuit;
all day long they press their attack.
2 My adversaries pursue me all day long;
in their pride many are attacking me.

3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?

5 All day long they twist my words;
all their schemes are for my ruin.
6 They conspire, they lurk,
they watch my steps,
hoping to take my life.
7 Because of their wickedness do not[c] let them escape;
in your anger, God, bring the nations down.

8 Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll[d]—
are they not in your record?
9 Then my enemies will turn back
when I call for help.
By this I will know that God is for me.

10 In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise—
11 in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can man do to me?

12 I am under vows to you, my God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
13 For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.

The moment she started reading it to me, I just felt something break off of me. I have been struggling for a few weeks with just a heavy feeling and it totally BROKE OFF yesterday!! I KNOW it was a demonic attack. PRAISE GOD for giving me my peace back!!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Mothers Day

Tomorrow I would be celebrating my first Mother's Day...with a bouncing 5 month old baby...that is if I hadn't miscarried last April...or if we hadn't lost our second pregnancy I would be around 28 weeks pregnant.

I have been in such a terrible mood, crying constantly for about two weeks...and I kept saying that it wasn't because of the upcoming Mothers day. But that is a lie. I feel so sad, so broken, so angry. I blamed it on my hormones, but I think that is just part of it. I have watched MANY people get pregnant, have babies, get pregnant with #2, etc...and it just makes me so angry. I feel disgusted at the sight of a pregnant belly or a newborn. It churns my stomach, makes me physically ill. Its all I can do not to just cry and cry.

Two nights ago, I lost it. I flat out just had a come apart. I sobbed, shook, couldnt breath, sobbed some more and just honestly wanted to die. All hubs could do was just hold me and pray, because nothing he said could comfort me. I feel like I will never feel ok again until I get that pregnancy that will be the one that I will actually be able to bring home a baby with...

I know that is not a "christian" thing to say, that I wanted to die... but my heart is broken. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. For being angry at God, for wondering why. I hate that I cant stay strong and just know that my time is coming...but is it? Will I actually be able to carry a child in my womb? That thought scares me, more than I can describe.

The diagnosis I have had, makes it so hard to get pregnant and STAY pregnant. And it terrifies me. I see my sister and sister and law and I just sob, I cant stand the thought that they get everything Ive always wanted. And I may never get to carry a baby...my baby. It hurts so much.

I have in the past two weeks been asked if I'm pregnant three times, or better yet today when I went to the mother daughter tea, there were three categories for the door prizes: 1-10 years old, 11-16, and mothers. The lady who said mothers quickly changed it to adults once she realized that I wasn't a mother. How awkward.

Our second wedding anniversary is in 16 days...and I honestly thought by now we would be parents. Oh how my heart hurts this week :'(

Sunday, May 1, 2011

T minus 3 days

In three days we will be taking a last minute trip to my parents place in Colorado. They have about 7 cabins gutted that we have to have ready by Memorial Day weekend!!!! We are going for 7-10 days depending on when I get af. Its an opportunity for them to get the help that they need and us to make the money we need for our upcoming round of treatment.

Its crazy how God has provided for us when it seemed like we were screwed. I'm trying so hard to have hope, while everything feels hopeless.

I think in combination with statistics and hormones its been a challenging week. I have had two of the four PIO shots and I am pretty sure they are doing their job because last night I had some pain that felt like cysts rupturing, but we shall see.

God has a plan, and I truly believe He will be faithful. Please pray for us, as I am so struggling with the feeling of just emotional exhaustion.

Love you guys and thank you for ALL the support!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Whoever said "Wait til your pregnant..."

Your a LIAR.

I don't care what you say...when I complain about having to get stuck with a needle, you always give the same response. "Just wait til your pregnant.."

Yeah, I'm pretty sure in the past year and a half of fertility tests and treatments Ive already surpassed a pregnant woman...twice.

So thank you, I still hate needles and I won't get used to them. I will forever want my husband to go with me when you shove a 2 in needle in my butt. I will still want him for my blood draws, ivs, etc. He is my comfort and support in this trying time.

So back off.

Because you my dear are a liar.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

*My incredible life changing night with God*

So lately I will admit, Ive been angry. Questioning God's goodness and feeling like "Job" in the bible. It seems like if its not one thing its another.

I have been just downright exhausted and even more emotionally exhausted and my friend K decided to have an all night prayer meeting at church on Thursday night.

A night of Gethsemane kind of thing.

We would fast sleep and seek God. I loved the thought, but to be honest I didn't wanna go. I was exhausted and completely unmotivated. I was sharing with my Asst Manager about it and she encouraged me to, and when she did I made the decision I would at least try to last til 2am. I wanted to sacrifice something for God. So we went.

I took a few pillows and blankets, throwback soda, some snacks, my journal, and bible. I decided to not sit with hubs as sometimes I feel that I can use him as a crutch. And I didn't want to do that, I wanted to spend time with God just me and Him.

I had some bones to pick. If only I knew what God was about to say to me...

A few years ago I started this thing where I pray that whatever God wants me to read that He will just guide my hands to the right page of the bible. It sounds silly, but it has always been the way that He uses to speak to me. This time I didn't even open it, it just fell open!

As I sat down my bible fell open to Job 38-42. I started reading and soon realized that this was where God pretty much says "Job, are you God? Were you there when the foundations of the earth was created?! What makes you think you know better than I do?!".

I am including all the scriptures because they are so important for you to understand this. Please, please read them all. I know its alot, but I promise it will change your life. (at least it did mine!!) :)

Job chapter 38:
1 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

2 “Who is this that obscures my plans
with words without knowledge?
3 Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?
Tell me, if you understand.
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 On what were its footings set,
or who laid its cornerstone—
7 while the morning stars sang together
and all the angels[a] shouted for joy?

8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors
when it burst forth from the womb,
9 when I made the clouds its garment
and wrapped it in thick darkness,
10 when I fixed limits for it
and set its doors and bars in place,
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther;
here is where your proud waves halt’?

12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning,
or shown the dawn its place,
13 that it might take the earth by the edges
and shake the wicked out of it?
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal;
its features stand out like those of a garment.
15 The wicked are denied their light,
and their upraised arm is broken.

16 “Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea
or walked in the recesses of the deep?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of the deepest darkness?
18 Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?
Tell me, if you know all this.

19 “What is the way to the abode of light?
And where does darkness reside?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their dwellings?
21 Surely you know, for you were already born!
You have lived so many years!

22 “Have you entered the storehouses of the snow
or seen the storehouses of the hail,
23 which I reserve for times of trouble,
for days of war and battle?
24 What is the way to the place where the lightning is dispersed,
or the place where the east winds are scattered over the earth?
25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain,
and a path for the thunderstorm,
26 to water a land where no one lives,
an uninhabited desert,
27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland
and make it sprout with grass?
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who fathers the drops of dew?
29 From whose womb comes the ice?
Who gives birth to the frost from the heavens
30 when the waters become hard as stone,
when the surface of the deep is frozen?

31 “Can you bind the chains[b] of the Pleiades?
Can you loosen Orion’s belt?
32 Can you bring forth the constellations in their seasons[c]
or lead out the Bear[d] with its cubs?
33 Do you know the laws of the heavens?
Can you set up God’s[e] dominion over the earth?

34 “Can you raise your voice to the clouds
and cover yourself with a flood of water?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, ‘Here we are’?
36 Who gives the ibis wisdom[f]
or gives the rooster understanding?[g]
37 Who has the wisdom to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens
38 when the dust becomes hard
and the clods of earth stick together?

39 “Do you hunt the prey for the lioness
and satisfy the hunger of the lions
40 when they crouch in their dens
or lie in wait in a thicket?
41 Who provides food for the raven
when its young cry out to God
and wander about for lack of food?
Chapter 39
1 “Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?
Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?
2 Do you count the months till they bear?
Do you know the time they give birth?
3 They crouch down and bring forth their young;
their labor pains are ended.
4 Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;
they leave and do not return.

5 “Who let the wild donkey go free?
Who untied its ropes?
6 I gave it the wasteland as its home,
the salt flats as its habitat.
7 It laughs at the commotion in the town;
it does not hear a driver’s shout.
8 It ranges the hills for its pasture
and searches for any green thing.

9 “Will the wild ox consent to serve you?
Will it stay by your manger at night?
10 Can you hold it to the furrow with a harness?
Will it till the valleys behind you?
11 Will you rely on it for its great strength?
Will you leave your heavy work to it?
12 Can you trust it to haul in your grain
and bring it to your threshing floor?

13 “The wings of the ostrich flap joyfully,
though they cannot compare
with the wings and feathers of the stork.
14 She lays her eggs on the ground
and lets them warm in the sand,
15 unmindful that a foot may crush them,
that some wild animal may trample them.
16 She treats her young harshly, as if they were not hers;
she cares not that her labor was in vain,
17 for God did not endow her with wisdom
or give her a share of good sense.
18 Yet when she spreads her feathers to run,
she laughs at horse and rider.

19 “Do you give the horse its strength
or clothe its neck with a flowing mane?
20 Do you make it leap like a locust,
striking terror with its proud snorting?
21 It paws fiercely, rejoicing in its strength,
and charges into the fray.
22 It laughs at fear, afraid of nothing;
it does not shy away from the sword.
23 The quiver rattles against its side,
along with the flashing spear and lance.
24 In frenzied excitement it eats up the ground;
it cannot stand still when the trumpet sounds.
25 At the blast of the trumpet it snorts, ‘Aha!’
It catches the scent of battle from afar,
the shout of commanders and the battle cry.

26 “Does the hawk take flight by your wisdom
and spread its wings toward the south?
27 Does the eagle soar at your command
and build its nest on high?
28 It dwells on a cliff and stays there at night;
a rocky crag is its stronghold.
29 From there it looks for food;
its eyes detect it from afar.
30 Its young ones feast on blood,
and where the slain are, there it is.”

Where He says "I will question you and you will answer me" really messed me up. Its SO INTENSE.

Then I continued reading and in Job 40: 1-14
1 The LORD said to Job:

2 “Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct him?
Let him who accuses God answer him!”

3 Then Job answered the LORD:

4 “I am unworthy—how can I reply to you?
I put my hand over my mouth.
5 I spoke once, but I have no answer—
twice, but I will say no more.”

6 Then the LORD spoke to Job out of the storm:

7 “Brace yourself like a man;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.

8 “Would you discredit my justice?
Would you condemn me to justify yourself?
9 Do you have an arm like God’s,
and can your voice thunder like his?
10 Then adorn yourself with glory and splendor,
and clothe yourself in honor and majesty.
11 Unleash the fury of your wrath,
look at all who are proud and bring them low,
12 look at all who are proud and humble them,
crush the wicked where they stand.
13 Bury them all in the dust together;
shroud their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.

I felt like I had just been spanked by God. I mean He totally called me out. How dare I question His goodness? How dare I question His motives? His plan?

It was my own fault that I put His plan in a box and tried to make things happen on my OWN timing. How can I claim to know better than God?

I truly do believe that the medication I was given will be what gets us pregnant, but then I just assumed I would use it this month and then SHABAM have a bfp by our anniversary.

God was like shaking His finger at me going "Nu uh Ashley. This is on MY time not yours. I have a plan, and this isn't apart of it."

I felt completely convicted and humbled. My heart just broke and I had to repent. I am so sorry that I had been so mad at God when it was my own fault for trying to put Him in my own little box.

After that very intense, very emotional time spent with God I kept debating on whether to go sit with Miles. I really wanted to sit with him, but I kept refusing because I didn't wanna use him as a crutch. I really wanted to have just me and God time. I decided to just keep journaling. That battle between whether to go sit with him lasted about an hour. Finally I got up and decided to sit with him for a few minutes and just ask him what he was feeling and what not. So I got up and joined him on the couch in the middle of the room.

Not even a minute later my friend K came up and asked if she could have everyone come up and pray for us. I welcomed it. I will take any prayer we can get! Especially when someone just offers it!! So she gave a brief update on the situation and asked everyone to gather around us and lay hands on us.

I only lasted maybe a minute before the waterworks started. I just couldn't contain it. I could feel not only the presence of God in that room but I just felt so insanely loved by everyone surrounding us. They prayed and prayed and I just sobbed.
Someone prayed that I wouldn't feel any more guilt and that is when I just shook with tears. I don't talk about the guilt I feel to anyone except my husband and my mom. But that has been a HUGE stronghold on me. I seriously couldn't get past the guilt I felt that it was MY body that was preventing us to do what was "natural". It was me that was preventing us from having a child.
K decided to anoint me with oil. Its the first time Ive been anointed with oil since we started TTCing. I felt God so thick I could barely handle it. It was incredible, overwhelming, and peaceful all at the same time. Oh how I have missed the presence of God.

My heart broke. Maybe that is what He has been waiting for? I have heard that He loves it when we are in our broken place, its where He can mold us.

My God is so just, so loving, and HE HAS A PLAN for my life. There is a reason for ALL of this. I don't know what it is, and I may never know. But my heart has truly changed. I welcome this. Yes I may have my days where I feel absolutely just broken-hearted about infertility. But I hope that when I do, I will be able to look back to that night and remember that God has a plan...we will be parents and I honestly feel that it will be soon. In the mean time, I just need to make sure God is my priority and know that He will bless me, even more so.

Here is the last bit of Job that made me cry. It talks about how God blessed Job doubly. I claim that in the name of Jesus. We are going through this, and that just means whatever is to come is huge and even better than it would have been! God will be glorified through all of this. Lives will be touched through our story.

Job 42: 10-14
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD restored his fortunes and gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came and ate with him in his house. They comforted and consoled him over all the trouble the LORD had brought on him, and each one gave him a piece of silver[a] and a gold ring.
12 The LORD blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. 13 And he also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 The first daughter he named Jemimah, the second Keziah and the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as Job’s daughters, and their father granted them an inheritance along with their brothers.

I feel so honored that God chose us to go through this. He obviously thinks we are strong enough to go through this and still remain faithful to Him. God allowed Satan to tempt Job and put him through Hell. God knew Job would remain faithful. Even when everyone around him including his wife was telling him that it would be better to just curse God and die...Job refused.

God will not ever give us more than we can handle. I am in no way saying that I am who is getting me through this. Its Christ who gets me through this walk. I honestly do not know how I could ever face this without Him. (I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13)

Lastly, I wanna share with you guys my new favorite song that gives me chills. LOVE IT!!

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Damn you, residual cyst. Damn you.

So we didnt get very good news today.

It seems my ultrasound revealed a residual cyst on my ovary sooo we have to postpone injections AGAIN. I am so mad. I feel like I have been waiting for this day for so long just to have it ripped away.

What is my consolation prize for having to put everything off a month you ask?
A week full of blissful progesterone-in-oil shots in my butt. Yep. I get the worst shot Ive had to date every other day for an entire week.

Thank you body for showing me YET AGAIN how much you care.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Emotional Vomit

So this week has been a super emotional one. Except I was able to successfully stuff my emotions til I woke up yesterday. But before I talk about yesterday I'm going to get straight to the point.

Shots start tomorrow.

So here we go, the emotional word vomit is coming.....

I'm nervous about the needles. I am scared about the "what ifs" I mean heck, this is freaking expensive. We have been blessed with the medication for this cycle, but then what?! How one earth will we afford more?? What if we do indeed end up pregnant, will we have multiples?! Will I be able to handle that?! What then? How will we afford that many babies?! I feel so much pressure, and I know I shouldn't. But there are SO MANY people praying and hoping for us and I feel that if I don't get pregnant I'm a disappointment to all of them in addition to already being a devastation to me and hubs. I know all of these emotions are "normal" but geez, I'm freaking out.

Ya know?

So yes. There you have it. My emotional vomit. All over your computer screen.

Ill wait for a moment while you clean that up....

All clean? Ok...

Back to yesterday, just had to get all that out there.

I woke up and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. Between my either broken or bruised tailbone and the severe gas pain under my rib which literally hurts so bad I can barely function(its irritating the nerve in my shoulder) I was miserable. So initially I was sobbing about the pain I was in.

That sobbing turned into an even bigger sob fest because all the emotions I have been holding in started coming out. I pretty much spent most of my day crying. I took a break for work(which only lasted 3 hours) and then got back at it. Took another break to hang out with friends, and yep you guessed it, started as soon as we left there. I cried until about 1am.

Today I feel a ton better.

I apologize for the all-overness this post seems to have.

I just have so much I need to get out there. My emotions feel crazy all over the place. Poor hubs.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Cd 1

Af arrived a WEEK EARLY!


But the good news is, at least I will be starting injections sooner...

So yes. My shots start Wednesday night! OMG! ! ! ! ! !

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

To God Be The Glory

Wonder Woman:
Thank you so much for your amazingly encouraging words. They spoke VOLUMES to me.
For those of you who didn't see my previous blog post comments, this is what she wrote:

A scary prognosis is the text book set up for a mind blowing miracle.

Last night as I was crying, and crying, and crying..

I told hubs that I know that I KNOW that God is bigger than this. And that this just means that my miracle will be just THAT MUCH MORE miraculous. And then a sweet gal wrote that on my blog post.

It just confirmed it in my heart and deep in my spirit that God has a plan. A big one. There is a very good reason that we are going through this.

To God be the Glory.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Post OP Appointment

Today I got good and bad news at my post op appointment.

First, He confirmed stage 3 endo, but said he was able to laser it all off. So praise God for that. Definitely buying us some more time. I am trying so hard to count my blessings.

Second, He said that my R ovary is classic PCOS. Its smooth and shiny, not ideal but not terrible. With injects he believes I should have great response.

Third, and the bad news..my L ovary is malformed and pretty much nonfunctional. It may even end up causing problems. He said that WAY FAR down the road if we are still not having success we may even need to remove it.

I KNOW that God is WAY BIGGER than this. ALL OF IT.

But I'm struggling, I am feeling SO EMOTIONAL!!!!!! I'm fighting extreme feelings of doubt, and I seriously seriously seriously DON'T want to feel that.

I am starting injections in a few weeks and I'm so excited, because I feel so much hope in all of that.

Yet, I'm scared of how this will effect future attempts at pregnancy.

I know that Satan is just trying to bring me down, and I don't want that. I just need some prayers. I have had so much peace that on Sunday my spiritual mom actually told me she could see it, and it was radiating off of me. I know Satan is just trying to try bring me down. And I don't want to let him...not in the least.

Friday, April 8, 2011

A little update :)

According to all the signs, my bbt, and what not.. I am officially 1dpo. :O

What?! Did I just say that? On cd 15, I am 1dpo!

I am not 100% convinced because I am requesting a blood test to be done to confirm I have had been fooled before

But I am choosing to be positive and believe all the signs. I had the fertile CM, the bbt temp rise, the cramps, the breast pain, EVEN O spotting!!!!!!!!!!!

I seriously cant believe it.

Is it actually possible that I would go from not cycling AT ALL(pre-lap), to having a perfect 28 day cycle(post-lap)? I mean really? I never even O'd on meds this early!!!

But ALL the signs point to it.

We had perfect timing and if I am pregnant I will be due right at the end of December! Which is crazy because I had a dream about a month ago that I had a baby boy on January 1st. I thought to myself that it was just an insignificant dream because I knew the timing would be terribly off because of surgery.

But holy cow....

Monday, April 4, 2011

Feeling renewed

I was laying here, and I got a phone call from a lady at church asking me and my husband to be a leader of small group at our church this summer. I am beyond flattered. To know that someone thinks enough of us to trust us in this type of role is beyond amazing.

I know that God has really been working in my life and stretching and molding me, I can feel the changes. To be honest, I am amazed to look back even the past couple of months and see the growth in my relationship with not only Christ but my husband and my friends. I feel so insanely blessed. My love for Christ is growing every day. I know no matter what we face, He is there. He cares so much about us. Just to think about everything He has done so far, brings me to tears.

We are in the midst of a church wide fast. I chose to give up my favorite forum and my personal facebook for this fast. I am believing that the next three weeks God will continue to mold me, and break off generational curses that have been in my family for years.

I am believing that the spirit of anger, hatred, unforgiveness, lying, and abuse will be broken in the name of Jesus! This will NOT be passed on to my children. My kids will be blessed in the name of Jesus. They will be raised in a home filled with love and prayer. I want my home to be one that you can feel the Spirit of God in.

I have discovered a love for having people over and just being hospitable. I love finding opportunities to have people over and feeding them lol. I have a huge desire that when someone walks in that they can feel Christ's love. I really hope this is the case, and if its not that it will become that way. :)

The past few years I have not been very "involved" in ministry, and I know that God is calling me back. I had a few things that I needed to work through, but I feel like I have gotten through so much spiritually. I know its never ending, and honestly I cant wait to see where God takes me in my relationship with Him and me and hubs in our marriage, our life, and our family.

This post may be all over the place, because I am a lil medicated still LOL but I just had to get all of that out! I love my God and I am SO EXCITED to see where He continues to take us in 2011!! I knew there would be something different about this year and so far I LOVE IT!!


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Its been 48hrs since...

...the laparoscopy and Im feeling good. Well "good" may be a stretch, but Im not in constant pain like I was yesterday.

Im feeling very "gassy" today. With the amount of Co2 he put in me, I suppose its not that big of a surprise that Im still feeling quite bloated and gassy. I can feel the bubbles.

I feel like I need to hold my tummy in, because it hurts if I don't. Kind of like my insides are trying to push out my belly button. I slept with a pillow against my belly and that helped alot. It kept Honu off of my tummy, and kept pressure on it so that it wouldnt "jiggle" lol.

I get tired pretty easily, so I am trying to plan things around naps. My inlaws wanna go out to lunch, and then my friends are coming to visit me! After that Ill probably sleep for good long while.

My doctor said I would feel like I got hit with a baseball bat on my midsection, and boy was he right. Thankfully the pain meds are helping tremendously.

This morning I was able to shower for the first time since Wednesday. It was seriously amazing. Short, because I dont have the energy to stand there for awhile, but I like feeling clean LOL!

Thats all I have for now, Im getting tired again...

Friday, April 1, 2011

Best Song Ever. (For now lol)

Let The Waters Rise by Mikeschair

Trying to wrap my head around things

I am sitting here, thinking about the past 48hrs events. Surgery. Finding out I have stage 3 endometriosis.

I just CANT believe that we finally have "the answers". A year and a half after getting off of birth control and I FINALLY know without a shadow of a doubt that this is my problem. All this time, I thought birth control was the worst thing ever(and it DID effect me in some terrible ways), but it makes me wonder if maybe somehow unknowingly I saved my fertility. Preventing the endo from growing and getting worse. All this time that I havent ovulated, I wonder if God was saving my fertility. All those frustrating months, I wonder if this was all apart of His plan.

My mind goes to the thoughts that maybe just maybe, the past few years has been Him preventing my endo from spreading and getting worse because He knew I needed surgery. Has my "infertility" been His way of protecting me? I dont know. But I am eternally grateful that as far as we know, I should be able to conceive and soon.

Post Op Update

I'm going to do a brief update. Surgery was a complete success!!!

He found moderate Endometriosis on my left and right sides of my uterus and behind my uterus. He said he got most if not ALL of it!! My tubes were clear, and my R ovary looked fine. My L ovary is shaped like a skinny oval...so the doc isn't really sure what to think there.

He is going to look at the pics more deeply and go over it with me at my post op appt in 13 days.

Im recovering nicely, sore and tired. The doc gave me anti-nausea pills, so thats nice.

I puked a few times yesterday, but now that I have the zofran I should be fine.

THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO ME! Im sleeping in 3 hour increments and getting drowsy again.. <3 you ladies!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Oh my gosh!

Only three more days til surgery!! Its insane to think about, as I have known I need this surgery since July of last year and its FINALLY here. Im praying that God keeps me alive, guides my doctors hands, and I get good results from all of this. (AKA a baby) lol

Saturday, March 26, 2011

5 days and counting....

...til surgery that is. Yep! You read that right, the lap has been scheduled for Thursday morning, March 31st at 9am.

I feel so many different emotions about it to be honest. I am excited, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, etc.

God has really been working in our life, and keeps blessing us!

You want an example you say? O.k. fine, Ill give one to you...
On Tuesday night, my bestest friend texted me and told me that she was going to give me the follistim for my first cycle. Do you realize how much money that saves us? Like close to $1200. I cried. I mean that is incredible. (THANK YOU K!!)

There are two hospitals that we could have had surgery at, and I was praying it would be at St. E's because they have a financial assistance program. Well guess what? St E's called me on Thursday to preregister for my surgery. There's example number two, just in case you wanted another one.

I was really struggling with the thoughts of the fact that God would be leading us down a road that would cause us to go into more debt, and our church just finished up a sermon series on honoring God with your finances and getting out of debt. We started tithing in February, and I just feel that God is being faithful just like His word promises He will!

I am believing for healing through this surgery. I have a feeling our little bundle of joy(s) are coming soon!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

What Ive Been Thinking About Lately

Well its been such a busy time in my life recently, I have hardly had the time to sit and relax none the less blog. Ive been spending alot more time in the Word and making sure that I'm giving more to God.

Our pastor has been doing a series on financial freedom, and its been AMAZING. I have learned so much, not only on HOW to honor God in our finances, but WHY we should. I feel like God has been speaking to me on so many different levels the past few weeks. I feel stretched in ways I didnt know possible.

For some of you, this may sound weird. But the past few weeks(since Ive started committing more time to God) Ive been having spiritual attacks on my body and emotions. It may sound crazy, but Satan has been using the only part of me he thinks he can use to get at me....which is my fertility.

For about a week and a half, every single time I saw a pregnant friend or even someone who could be "potentially" pregnant I didnt see them...I saw their reproductive system. Almost like an animation, a "vision" if you will. It was TORTURE as I would watch sperm meet egg, fertilized egg travel down the fallopian tubes, and then implant into the uterus thus creating a pregnancy. Thats literally ALL I SAW. It took me rebuking Satan to get it to stop.

At first I thought I was losing my mind, but then my friend told me she believed it was a spiritual attack, and sure enough once I rebuked him, it stopped.

Its been a rough few weeks, but I am feeling closer to God and I am looking forward to whats to come!!

I just wanted to let you know what Ive been going through lately and I want to let all you know that I am constantly praying that you all will get your miracles!

Friday, March 18, 2011

T minus 13 days

Til surgery that is!! I'm on the progesterone and awaiting af. I thought I had O'd on Tuesday, but Im not so sure now...so now we wait. The lap is around the corner!! As long as af arrives like planned.

Im actually really excited about surgery, and knowing that I will be doing injections a few weeks later!! EEEKKK!!!! I know our chances of multiples skyrockets, but you know what ILL TAKE WHATEVER I CAN GET!!!!(Im actually secretly hoping for twins...)

With the fact that I didnt respond to the oral meds this month just makes it that much clearer its going to take something stronger to get me to ovulate and ovulate "right" at that!

It kind of surprised me because I have lost almost 15lbs and I didnt respond at all to the Femara!! They say losing weight helps you respond better to meds, but apparently not......

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

This is not mine!

The following was NOT written by me, but I feel that I MUST share this with all of my readers!!! I got a forwarded email from my second mom and I almost cried when I read it. Its exactly what I needed to hear!!!

Sometimes I like to watch news programs that have interesting topics. Many times God will speak to me through something as I am watching.

I was looking for such a program last night; while flipping through the channels I heard a doctor say something that caught my attention. He said 'stress makes it extremely difficult to conceive.'

As I listened I found that when under significant stress, the probability of conception is reduced greatly. I also found that even animals shut down their reproductive functions in times of stress and scarce resources.

As I continued to listen, God began to speak to me. He said 'it is the same in the Spirit, it is very difficult to conceive when you are in stress, fear or anxiety, this is not the breeding ground for a miracle to be conceived.' He went on to say 'it is also very difficult to hear My voice when you are in stress or anxious, you will hear My voice when you are at peace.' 'I am not in chaos; I am a God of peace.'

I began to think about how this alone can be a tool in the enemy's hand against the people of God. When he attacks, stress comes, anxiety comes, and sometimes fear comes. When this happens it is very difficult to hear God, one reason is that we are now seeking Him out of desperation and not faith. As long as stress and anxiety remain, it will be difficult to hear God and even more difficult for you to conceive the miracle you need.

Isn't it interesting that in many cases reproductive functions shut down during times of stress and scarce resources? If you are a Christian, on fire for God, the last thing the enemy wants is for you to reproduce. If he could stop another person from being born again, he would, but he can't, as long as we keep spreading the word and bringing others out of bondage and into the Kingdom of God.

He desires to shut down your reproductive functions and he wants to do that through bringing stress and scarce resources into your life. I realize that when attacks come it is extremely difficult to NOT be stressed; to not feel the pressure of the attack...it IS difficult but not impossible.

For me, when I know the enemy's tactics it helps me a lot. Therefore now knowing that he is trying to stop me from conceiving what God has for me, that alone will empower me to overcome.

The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 that God will keep us in perfect peace when our mind is stayed upon Him. I know He does this, I have seen Him do it in my life in areas where I should have had no peace, but as I kept my mind upon Him, I had peace.

It is when we get our mind off God and on to the situation that our peace leaves...when our peace leaves...our miracle and its conception is hindered.

Jesus is our Prince of Peace; God is the author of peace. The Bible says that Jesus gave us HIS peace...it is a great peace that can endure the cross and come out the other side. The enemy could not and did not stop Him from reproducing and he can't stop us either...if we will stay in peace.

It is my prayer for you today that whatever challenge or battle the enemy has brought into your life, you refuse to get your mind on the battle, instead keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. It is my prayer that you keep your mind stayed upon God at all times and conceive all He has ordained for you.

Pursue Peace today, resist stress and anxiety - it is the enemy's weapon, give it no place, pursue peace...keep your mind on God.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Waiting and waiting and NOTHING

Well this week has been a busy one. The in-laws were in town, work was crazy, and its finals week at school.

I haven't been very faithful in blogging, and I apologize. Since getting trashed talked by some family members, I have kind of had a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to my blog. I'm going through so much emotionally, that I have really just started to almost suppress it all. I pretty much have cut myself off from talking to most of the family for the time being. They really don't care, and so I don't care to speak to them about any of this.

Sorry to be rambling, but I feel I owe an explanation to alot of my readers about my absence.

I am cd 18 and no positive opk, nothing even close really. They have all stayed the same with an almost visible but ever so faint line for the test line. VERY NEGATIVE opks over here. It breaks my heart, but Im calling the doc to ask for an ultrasound tomorrow morning and then if nothing looks promising in there, I will start the meds to induce af and schedule surgery. *sigh* Im really sad that it has come to this, but Im at peace about surgery and am looking forward to getting it over with and moving onto injections.

Thank you to all my readers, you ladies are the bomb *insert wink*

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cd 14

AND NOTHING! UGH!!!!! I really am hating my body right now. I am feeling really down about the ovulation tests...they hate me. Actually they don't my body hates me and refuses to work like it should. Even on meds. :(

Monday, March 7, 2011

Can I be blunt for a moment?

I dont want to start any kind of debate, but all of you know that I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I am very set in my beliefs. Anyways, Ive been having an interesting debate on whether or not God is real. And can I just say it makes me SO SAD to see that some people are SOOOO lost that they are making fun of the thought of Hell and it breaks my heart to know that unless these people find God that they will more than likely truly regret the kinds of comments I witnessed tonight.

It breaks my heart that there is such ignorance and that not everyone can see the glory that IS GOD. I love Him with all my heart and that will NEVER change.

BLECK I just needed to get that out!!

Cd 12

Well, today I am on CD 12 and the opks are still negative :(
I'm not gonna give up hope though. I hope to God that its just too early.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The most sensitive pregnancy announcement Ive ever gotten

I received this yesterday on facebook in a message from my friend M. I love her to death for telling me like this. She is one of my best friends and this proves it:

I written and rewritten this message a million times now. I was going to call you, but didn't want to put you on the spot...

I want you to be one of the first people to know that I found Tuesday that I am pregnant. Believe me when I say, while I am so excited, I so much wanted you and Miles to be the first. I love you guys so much and believe with all my heart that God will bless you with babies and that you will be amazing parents. I am honored to have you in my life and so glad that you will (hopefully) have a place in our child's heart and life.

I know that your surgery is coming up (praying you get pregnant this cycle so you don't need it!) and I'm so excited for you and Miles.

I wanted you to know so that you didn't A. hear it through the grapevine and B. hear it on the spot and feel like you had to hide the hurt. I hate that this will probably make you hurt. For that I pray that our friendship grows stronger and that God would comfort you and surround you with supportive people until your baby comes.

I understand completely if you need time. We will not plan on coming tonight if that is easier for you - please just let me know how I can support you. Again - D & I love you and Miles so much and you are in our prayers more often than you may think.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Todays Youtube Video Update

Warning, I cry ALOT in this video!!

Its March already!?

Hello all, I have a moment to write a post out, so here goes :)

I took my last Femara pill last night. I am not feeling any activity in my ovaries yet and that is kind of worrying me. I know, I know, it takes time right? I sure hope so.

It is March 3rd so surgery is in approximately 28 days. Unless of course I get my BFP. Which I guarantee will cause me to probably walk around in a teared up fog for a few days at least.

I want you ladies to forgive me, but I probably wont do a TTC update around that time unless we are having surgery because I know in-laws read this and IF we were to conceive I wouldn't want them to read about it here. It has been a long time coming and we want to do something special :)

I have been in la-la land for about a week. I keep dreaming about babies, and thinking about nursery themes, baby names, etc. I have been spending a lot of time in Psalms and just thanking God for what we have, rather than what we don't have. However, I am still feeling cautious about this cycle.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for surgery and injections. I know I am ready, but I am still so scared of the unknown and what the future may hold.

The next two weeks are going to be insane for me, I have school that is ending on the 17th and its peak busy season at work. But after that I promise my posts will be a lot more frequent than they have been!

Thank you to all my readers, you guys are awesome!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Update and random thoughts

Its a crazy crazy time at work these days. I havent had much time to post or even think about posting. But Im going to take a lil moment out of my day off to let you guys know whats going on and somethings that I have been thinking about.

First off, I have taken 3 pills of Femara, and tonight will be my 4th. Yesterday I was MAJORLY bloated. And I dont think I ate corn.....so I have no idea what was wrong. Maybe the femara? Ive been having headaches since starting it, but I hear that's a normal and expected side effect.

Ok now onto my random thoughts that I have been having and what not.

I have been day dreaming alot about my baby(ies) and the desire in my heart is definitely aflame. My due date will be December 1st if I conceive this cycle. Which just happens to be 2 days before my birthday! Ive thought of baby names and found a couple more that I adore!! I havent let myself look at nursery things yet....Plus I dont think there are any new themes since the last time I looked! That will probably happen in a couple weeks :) haha

I really really really am fighting to stay positive. There have been a few moments this week where I feel like everyone is going to have kids before me(which most already have one). Im fighting off the feelings of bitterness about my situation. I dont want to be upset and bitter that everyone around me is pregnant.

I dreamt I delivered a beautiful baby boy. We shall see. We are hoping for a girl, hubs has a more specific prayer. He wants non-identical twin girls, one with blonde hair, and one with brown hair. It cracks me up, but he is completely serious. I love that he is already trying to prepare to be a daddy. I catch him reading the "Early Years Parenting" magazine. As often as they come in, it melts my heart for sure. I just hope I can make him a daddy soon....I know its hard for me to see his bro and wife being pregnant...but I know that its hard on him too. :(

Sorry Ive been missing!

Its a crazy crazy time at work these days. I havent had much time to post or even think about posting. But Im going to take a lil moment out of my day off to let you guys know whats going on and somethings that I have been thinking about.

First off, I have taken 3 pills of Femara, and tonight will be my 4th. Yesterday I was MAJORLY bloated. And I dont think I ate corn.....so I have no idea what was wrong. Maybe the femara? Ive been having headaches since starting it, but I hear that's a normal and expected side effect.

Ok now onto my random thoughts that I have been having and what not.

I have been day dreaming alot about my baby(ies) and the desire in my heart is definitely aflame. My due date will be December 1st if I conceive this cycle. Which just happens to be 2 days before my birthday! Ive thought of baby names and found a couple more that I adore!! I havent let myself look at nursery things yet....Plus I dont think there are any new themes since the last time I looked! That will probably happen in a couple weeks :) haha

I really really really am fighting to stay positive. There have been a few moments this week where I feel like everyone is going to have kids before me(which most already have one). Im fighting off the feelings of bitterness about my situation. I dont want to be upset and bitter that everyone around me is pregnant.

I dreamt I delivered a beautiful baby boy. We shall see. We are hoping for a girl, hubs has a more specific prayer. He wants non-identical twin girls, one with blonde hair, and one with brown hair. It cracks me up, but he is completely serious. I love that he is already trying to prepare to be a daddy. I catch him reading the "Early Years Parenting" magazine. As often as they come in, it melts my heart for sure. I just hope I can make him a daddy soon....I know its hard for me to see his bro and wife being pregnant...but I know that its hard on him too. :(

Saturday, February 26, 2011

And the winner is....

Marissa @ Eggs in a Basket!!!
Congrats Marissa!
Please email me @ onthelanai 127 @ gmail. com by Tuesday morning and I will get your prize in the mail!

Thanks for those of you who participated!!!

Friday, February 25, 2011


Ok so a lil update on me!

Im cd 2 today and will start 7.5mg of Femara tomorrow!! Im so beyond excited. I have a very good feeling about this month!!

I have lost 11 lbs since January 11th. Im so so proud of myself! Since I have been lifting weights, I have a feeling Ive burned almost 20lbs in fat and gained some in muscle because I look so much more toned! So many people are noticing(THANK YOU LORD!!)

I just wanted to remind everyone that the Giveaway closes tonight at 10pm!! Go HERE to enter!!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Don't forget to enter into the giveaway! It closes on Friday @ 10pm!!! I am going to extend it from 6 to 10 just in case we have some last minute entries!!!
Here is the post that has the details

Monday, February 21, 2011

For your viewing pleasure

This is a video me and hubs(mainly my hubs) made to make fun of the whole Clomid Induced Rage thing. :)

Saturday, February 19, 2011

My Facebook Solution

I have opened a new account on facebook JUST FOR those who are my friends in the TTC/Infertility community!!

I am so excited about this, as recently I have had some pretty judgemental things happen towards me and hubs on facebook.
If you are not apart of this community and have a problem with me writing my emotions and what not, then thats on you. You know who you are...
If you dont like it, dont read it.
BUT to keep myself protected from all of that drama, I made a new facebook to help myself stay sane with all my buddies, and to also help protect myself from those who judge what I write here and on facebook.

This is my personal space to get through my emotions and to be open and personal with those who are going through this. If you choose to read it, then I am not liable with any hurt feelings, etc because well..you have been warned.

Friday, February 18, 2011

50 follower GIVEAWAY!!!

Ok so as promised here is the giveaway details!!!!!!

Here is the winners prize!!
A coffee cozy from my friend Melissa at Arm Chair Knits!!
I bought this reusable coffee mug and will send a $5 gift card to Starbucks as well!!

If you want to be the LUCKY winner then please comment below by answering one of the following questions!!(I borrowed these from my friend Lisa from over at Pursuit of Pregnancy) as I am too tired to come up with anything else at the moment!
~How do you know me or how did you find my blog?
~And what do you like most about my blog?
~Do you have a favorite blog post of mine, and why?
~Is there something that we have in common (IF or otherwise - check out my "About Us" page)?
~What has been your biggest struggle or obstacle during your IF journey?

Each participant will be assigned a number and I will use random.org to generate the winner!!
The contest will close on Friday February the 25th at 6pm and the winner will be announced shortly thereafter
Thank you to all my followers, this giveaway is kinda small but when we get to the 100 follower mark I promise Ill make it up to you! haha
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