Friday, December 31, 2010

Bringing in the New Year with a snowstorm!

Well the title pretty much says it all! Its snowy, windy, and REALLY COLD. I think my FIL said its a wind chill of -20!
I cant get very good pictures, so this is the best I could do from the window!

Here is a really cool pic of how the window looks, but the snow isnt that deep!

So now we are just staying put for the day and ringing in the New Year with the inlaws. I was hoping to spend the night in Denver, but not willing to trek out in a snow storm to do so! haha

I hope everyone has a fun and safe New Years and that this year brings in new hope for everyone! :)

This was added later, I just had to share this pic! The snow drift from today!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

As the new year approaches

I am trying so hard to end this year right. With positivity and no tears.

I am amazed that so far I haven't broken down into tears thus far(unless you count the time a few minutes ago after reading the status "the baby is on its way!" on facebook). Its been kind of hard to remain positive when my heart still feels so broken.

To ensure not to have much time for wallowing. I have poured myself into helping the inl-aws around the house, playing games, and reading.

If your related to hubs, now would be the time to stop reading..that means you grandma Ford, yes I found out you read my blog!!! :)

The book that I have read is called "Intimacy Ignited" and it was flipping amazing. I highly suggest it for anyone who is married! Its on the book Song of Solomon in the bible and it really helped reignite my burn and passion for our love life.

After the rough month we had I will be the first to admit that our love life definitely suffered. My drive was gone. I had no desire and honestly I've never felt that. I wont lie, my drive is like a teenage boy! Its crazy, so not having any was honestly freaking me out. But after reading that book, I am happy to report we are back to where we were if not farther and we are both LOVING IT!

Im thinking of going back through the book and blogging about it on a specific day of the week. Maybe Wednesdays? Im not sure yet haha, but its so good I just have to share!! :)

Some great news!!

So me and the hubs were talking about my blog and guess what?! I want to do a giveaway! So my goal is once we reach 75 followers I will be holding my first giveaway!! If you have any ideas of what the prize can be let me know! :)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas All!

First off Merry Christmas!! Hope everyone is having a fantastic day!

I for one am having a great holiday, better than I expected to be honest. Last night, I got some one on one time with the hubs, and it was amazing. I love that man more than life itself. Im blessed to have him as my husband.

Today we woke up and opened presents! We only did a couple.

and then we went ice skating on the home made swimming pond.

Now most of the extended family have arrived and we are waiting for dinner to be ready. We wont be doing our family Christmas til the 30th, but it will be nice to just hang and enjoy good food.

From hubs the two things that I got that I love was a mario game that has all the super mario games ever made. I LOVE MARIO.

So I definitely loved that present! I also have been asking for a fleece zip up and he got the exact one I wanted!

I feel blessed. We haven't opened any presents from any of the family as we are waiting for my brother and sister-in-law. So Im definitely hoping for a few more goodies haha! Because I do love presents!

But none of the presents that were opened (the few we have opened lol) were as unique as what my brother in law received "from Santa" It was a pig. Yep you read that right, a PIG. I for one, hate snot and slobber so its gross. Hahaha

I am trying to make it a point to not wallow in my sorrow, but thank God for the blessings I do have and look forward to a new year with new hope. I want to make this a Christmas to remember, because who knows..maybe it is the last Christmas we will have just us two?!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

When I stopped believing

Yesterday me and my husband were talking about whether or not we will do "Santa" with our kids. Both of our parents did it with us, but my parents didn't do it with my youngest sister(Im 13 years older). They believed that it was a lie, and they didn't want do that to her. I totally understand that viewpoint. And because of that, we have thought long and hard about this.

I asked him how he found out that Santa wasn't real, and he said he just kind of figured it out when he was 8 or 9. Was he traumatized? No. Did he feel betrayed? No.

He asked me how I found out about it, and I told him I found out when I was 4 or 5. I remember going to school on St Patricks day, and when we were at lunch when the "leprechauns" visited our classroom and there were tiny green footprints all over our classroom! I was so excited!! When I went home, I seriously couldn't believe that there were leprechauns! Of course thats when my mom started to feel guilty, and spilled the beans about all the childhood icons. She went through the list and told me, "There is no such thing as leprechauns, the easter bunny, tooth fairy, or Santa." She said she just felt so guilty.

Well the joke was on them, because that next Christmas I looked out the window and I kid you not. Santa was across the street on the neighbors roof!! I freaked! That happened to be the Christmas that the church blessed our family (who couldn't afford a Christmas) with a huge amount of gifts. I have never seen so many presents in my life! My parents kept telling me that it wasn't Santa, it was some parent dressed up. But I spent that Christmas with a little bit of hope that Santa was indeed real. I am not sure if I ended up believing my parents, or just figured out. But I decided that finding out Santa wasn't real wasn't too traumatizing not to do this with my kids. And I can't wait.

What about you? What is your view on that? Do you plan on "doing Santa" with your kids?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Preparing for the Holidays

Its been an especially difficult month, as you read in this previous post dealing with everything that happened the week of Thanksgiving and my birthday.

One of hub's cousins and his brother has gotten married in the past year, and another is engaged. With that, I have been trying really hard to prepare myself just incase, I mean the holidays are the perfect time to announce a pregnancy right? Thats what I thought. And I just keep expecting just that.

Honestly, Im terrified of it. Like, I have no idea how I will react. And that in itself scares me. I mean, I am not the best person at pretending to be ok. I kind of wear my feelings where everyone can see them. I can't help it.

If someone announces it, there is absolutely no way I would be able to put a smile on my face and say congratulations. I guarantee that I will burst into tears. And Im embarrassed to think about it! I plan on at least trying to be ok, but with how fragile I feel right now, there are no guarantees.

I can honestly say, I really thought we would be pregnant by this Christmas. Deep down, I just knew. And we were, but I wasnt expecting that we wouldn't stay pregnant.

To top it off, today is the due date of our first early loss... and my sisters 10th birthday. We were planning to spend this part of the week with her and the rest of my family in Colorado, but of course because I havent had enough crappy stuff to deal with this month, I got dry socket after getting my wisdom teeth pulled on the 9th. So we are stuck at home til after the 1st (because we have commitments with the inlaws til the 2nd). So the hubs is working the rest of the week, which I know he isnt too thrilled about, but its necessary so we can go the first week of January to see my family.

I am just trying to focus on the good, and pray to God to make it through the holidays with the least amount of tears as possible. Definitely praying for every infertile woman this Christmas season. Our hearts are broken, our wombs are empty, but we will make it through this! One day we will be on "the other side", one way or another.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Welcome to ICLW!!

Im so glad to have joined you ladies this week :) This is my first time joining in!

First off to introduce myself.
My name is Ashley and I have an amazing husband names Miles. We have one furbaby, Honu. That means sea turtle in hawaiian :)

We met almost 2.5 years ago, and have been married for just over a year and a half. Our relationship moved very quickly, so we weren't too surprised when we decided to start trying for our first baby just 3 months in.

I started charting my cycles and quickly realized with the absence of my period that I wasn't ovulating. So after practically harassing my doctor for about 4 months (who was convinced that I was just reacting to getting off the birth control), she did an ultrasound and said everything looked perfect and said that I just needed to wait. After that I just knew it was more than just getting off of birth control, so I sought out another doctor in town and they ran some blood tests and put me on Clomid. The rest is history, which is in my side bar :) I wouldn't want to bore you with all the details of the past year. Essentially now we are on a forced break as my most recent doctor is pretty convinced I have endometriosis, which is causing an LPD and an ovulation disorder.

Over Thanksgiving we suffered our second early loss of the year, a week before my 23rd birthday. Im still processing that, as right after we lost it, we were informed that our chances of getting/staying pregnant was slim to none without surgery. Its been an emotional month. Im pursuing counseling through our church for after the holidays, because I honestly don't know if I know how to process all of this.

Now, since we are on this forced break waiting for surgery, Im trying to process everything that has happened and face the fears and reality of the diagnosis of endometriosis. We are aiming for surgery in March, because I dont want to risk further damage if endo is indeed my issue.

As a teenager, my periods were always super long. I mean we are talking months long, and so heavy I dare say at times I was hemorrhaging. I even passed out once from blood loss, talk about scary! And the cramps, oh man...sometimes they were so bad that I would literally lay in the floor in the fetal position just begging my parents to take me to the doctor. They were convinced I was just being dramatic. It wasnt til I passed out that my mother finally realized there was something wrong, but the doctor dismissed it as something "some women go through". When I moved out, I got onto birth control, which really helped everything period wise. Except I felt crazy and gained a crazy amount of weight on it, so I got off a few times. But it never failed, I would always would get back on it. Until we decided to ttc that is. Needless to say, with my history I always had a feeling it would be hard to get pregnant, but never knew it would be THIS hard. Since getting off of birth control in August of '09, I havent had one period on my own. All have had to be medically induced, went from one extreme to another.

Whew thats alot to read and I do apologize!! Thanks for stopping by! :) Looking forward to a great week!

Monday, December 20, 2010

A God sent friend

Tonight, I got to talk to my friend Jessie for the first time on the phone for months. She is the one who her precious baby passed away about a month and a half ago due to T18. You can find her blog here.

Im sitting here drinking my mint tea, listening to Christmas music and thinking about that heartfelt conversation I had with her. She told about the book she is reading, and it touched on the story of Lazarus(found in John 11:1-45). Essentially it talked about how when Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, He didn't run straight to him. He knew the miracle that was about to be. It says in Luke 11:3 "Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't say Lazarus, they specified "the one he loved". I mean God loves us all, but I do believe there was a special relationship there. I believe that this was His friend. It goes on to say in verse 4, When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

Right there He says this sickness in not unto death. Wow, that to me is powerful. Because as we have read, Lazarus does die. Jesus purposely waits 2 days to pass before going to him. As my friend stated, " He knew of the miracle to come". I mean come on, Lazarus had to die for Christ's plan to be followed out. God used him, in his pain to show the Glory that is Christ.

Another thing my friend pointed out was that as they were going to Lazarus in verse 35 (yes it is the shortest verse in the bible) that Jesus wept.. But as she went on to tell me "it wasn't because He was sad, He knew the hearts of those He loved were hurting. He knew of the miracle that was to come, yet His heart hurt for those who were hurting."
Just sit there for a moment and let that sink in.

Are you back? Did you just get chills? Because I did. Actually when I heard her say that. I flat out started to sob.
It goes on to tell us that Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead and people saw and believed in Him. I have always said that if I have to go through infertility, then to God be the glory. Let Him use me as He has planned.

I have to confess. The past month I haven't felt that way. I've been bitter and just flat out angry at God. I haven't wanted to go to church, or even pray for that matter. I actually got scared because I will honestly tell you, out of everything I have been through in my life. I have never felt like this with God before. My faith has never waivered, but recently I've been struggling. I say this because as of tonight, I am claiming my faith back. I will not let the devil take from me that is supposed to be God's. I will continue to believe that we will have our baby. In His timing. I do not know what will be His timing, but I honestly don't believe that He would give me this desire, without providing a way for me to be a mommy.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It only took us three weeks and we found out on the fourth...

Thats what my best friend said to me tonight. I mean I love her, but sometimes she can be so clueless with whats ok to say to me. Granted I understand its hard to know what to say when you have never been in these shoes, but it hurt me so bad to hear that. Another friend announced her pregnancy to me, its not doctor official yet. It stung so badly. She has only been trying for #2 for a couple months....and better yet she is due only a few days after I would have been if I didnt miscarry :(

Im trying so hard to be ok, to just ignore all the fertiles around me. But how do you do that, when literally almost every single friend I have has either just had a baby in the past year or is pregnant. So many different situations, yet they surround me.

I feel like someone who is drowning. With no escape. The water just keeps on coming and its slowly filling my lungs and Im on the verge of suffocation. They are all great moms, and I would never want it any differently for any of them. I just wonder why on earth God chose me when I have already been through so much.

Bad things just keep on coming, I found out I have dry socket. Which is causing us to cancel Christmas with my parents, so now we have to postpone our trip to Colorado for after the New Year instead of leaving tomorrow. I was really looking forward to our vacation and now not so much, Im hoping my attitude will change and my heart is just aching right now. Im trying to look at it as, maybe if we did leave tomorrow we would die in a car wreck and this is Gods way of saving us so as to not get really upset.

I did get some good news today, even though it has been a struggle to focus on school with everything that has been going on...I got a B in Spanish. Yep, Im pretty proud of myself.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Decisions, decisions, decisions

The more I look into all of our options, the more nervous I start to feel about the magnitude of what we may be facing with my health and fertility.

If indeed I do have Endo (which to be honest I believe whole heartedly I do) the risks of the disease, and how it effects not only your health but fertility.

I have a dear friend who progressed very quickly, in February she had one spot, by june it had progressed to I believe it was level III and she is about to lose a tube due to the damage it has caused. That freaks me out to be honest.

Our stories are so similar, what if my tubes are destroyed? What if my ovaries have been severely damaged by this disease? What if unbeknownst to us, our only chances are through IVF?

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be facing the things I am right now. I have started to look into different choices in this journey that I never thought I would have to face. IVF vs Adoption. Hmm, the choice is so personal, so hard to make.

I know I really shouldn't worry about any of this yet, as we don't even have confirmation yet. Unfortunately I am one of those people who cant help but worry.

Last night I asked hubs a "would you rather". I proceeded to ask him if we were given $20,000 to use to build our family, would he rather spend it on IVF or adoption. Of course he said IVF, which normally wouldn't disappoint me. For some reason it did disappoint me. I would wanna do adoption.

I've never had the heart for adoption before. I never thought it would apply to me. I know the hubs wants to do everything in our power to have biological kids, and Im really not opposed to that and more than likely that is something we will pursue before adoption. But I have a feeling this is a choice we will have to make. All I know is, I am ready for a baby to love. Whether that baby comes from my womb or is placed in my arms.

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Christmas plans do you have?

Ok so we have a VERY busy 3 weeks ahead of us :) Just to let you in on a little peek of our life (not that you dont get that already haha) I will tell you all about our plans for Christmas vacation. Well first I wanna tell you about my upcoming week! First off its finals week, BLECK! I mean talk about being busy. I go to a college where there are terms not semesters, so everything is condensed. So this week I have a math final, a Spanish chapter test tomorrow, Wednesday I have my Spanish final, and Thursday I have my Final Spanish interview. Whew! Its going to be alot of work, but I think I will survive! I just need to focus on my treat at the end of the week! :)
On Friday we begin our lovely vacation by driving to Denver. We will be spending four days just relaxing and having a blast with Miles cousins and friends I have yet to meet up with or old friends from school. It will be pure bliss I tell ya!
Sat night his cousins are throwing what I expect to be a splendid Christmas party and I cant wait. (On a side note, does anyone know how to break a puppy from humping her toys?)
Saturday my friend Melissa is going to pick me up and we are going to go to the awesome 16th street mall downtown. Not gonna lie, PRETTY EXCITED :) She is one of my closest friends and the best part is she knows exactly how it is to go through IF, so it will be SUCH A RELIEF to finally be able to talk to someone in real life about everything! Im sure she feels the same :) We actually met online at my favorite forum
Im hoping to meet up with my friend Jessie on Sunday for some ice skating and just pure girly fun. She just lost her son to T18 (Rest in peace sweet Aiden) and I cant wait to just give her a big hug! Still need to finalize those plans, but I just cant wait!! We will be able to enjoy Denver til Tuesday morning when we head to my parents place in Grand Lake, Co. I cant wait to just spend time with the fam and enjoy every moment of our family's Christmas traditions. Hubs' family does Christmas on Christmas Eve (which I think is just wrong) and my family does it the right way: one present on Christmas eve, and the rest on Christmas morning! :)
On the 26th we will be heading to the inlaws in Valentine, Ne
We will actually have the house to ourselves for a few days which will be nice, time to unwind and just spend some time together as the inlaws will be at my BIL's holiday tourney. I honestly cant wait for some alone time with the hubs.
After that, we will head to our cousins house to see it for the first time since they moved in!! Then head to Miles' grandparents house where we will be spending the next couple of days with the extended family for the big family Christmas. The biggest downer about that, NO CELLPHONE SERVICE...thats right, you read that right. None. I honestly dont know how I will survive *insert wink*
Once again we will drive back to his parents house for their Christmas on the 1st. And then once again we will be on the road on the 2nd to get home before hubs goes back to work on the 3rd! *whew* its going to be a very long trip, but I am praying its refreshing enough to get me through my next term of school before we head down to texas *tentatively* for spring break!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why oh why do I do this to myself?

So the past couple of weeks I have just been kinda numb and angry, but in a way I think I am stuffing it down so as not to express it to others. I am currently waiting til after the new year to pursue counseling as we are just too busy now as it is. Im sitting here, avoiding homework even though finals are this week I just dont feel up to studying physically OR emotionally. So since Im so bored, I logged onto my favorite forum, and went to stalk the July DD boards. The boards that I was a member of for ~oh so short period of time~ :( Its so hard, and I have no idea why I just did that to myself. Why do I feel it necessary to torture myself like that? Or better yet, go to all of my preggo friends on facebooks walls and just read every pregnancy update they have. AM I CRAZY!? Yes, I have concluded I AM crazy. We have finally resigned ourselves to the fact that it will be another 2 years before we are holding our precious miracle in our arms. Quite honestly, that scares the sh#t out of me. I will be 25 at that time. Ya know I always said I wanna be done with kids by the time Im 30, but now Im not so sure that will happen..we are both members of larger families(4 siblings in each) and want a large family of our own. Not sure if that will happen now or not, but honestly Im praying that it does. I guess the knowledge of how hard next week will be is really starting to get to me. I really need a vacation, but this vacation will be filled with nothing but the what ifs and the should haves. The only thing that could possibly help next week be ok is if we found out we were pregnant, but I dont see that happening

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wisdom teeth Thursday!

Well today was the day that I got my wisdom teeth removed, thankfully I only had to get 2 out of the 3 remaining ones pulled. The top one came out relatively easily, seriously came out in less than 30 seconds! After that, the bottom one...well lets just say apparently it was impacted/completely bone in, so that one came out in 14 pieces and took an over hour to pull :( My face is so numb, but thats ok because in the past they have always worn off halfway during any procedure and that is NO FUN AT ALL!! Im just praying that I dont get dry socket and that everything heals up quickly so that Im ok by Christmas!!!

So ok I got a positive OPK(if you go by the rule that if part of the line is as dark).. YESTERDAY!!! :) Its not as dark as some peoples, but since then my opks have gotten significantly Im taking it and running with it! We dtd last night and as long as Im feeling ok we will again later tonight, and continue til my temps confirm O....Of course if I O tomorrow, af will be due Christmas Eve....will make for either a SUCKY Christmas, or a Christmas sent from God lol...we shall see I guess...First my body has to let go of that eggie!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

An article that my husband left for me

Ok so I just need to brag for a moment before I get into the nitty-gritty of this post. He is absolutely the BEST supportive husband a gal could ask for! This morning when I woke up, he said he had found two really good articles on infertility: IVF vs I dont know about you, but when my husband is so interested it just makes me feel somewhat validated in my thoughts and maybe even obsessions. For him to willy nilly leave me articles to read, I just really appreciate that.

Ok bragging over :)

So the first article I read was written two days ago on the choice of IVF vs Adoption and it went on to say pretty much that its better for everyone if you just adopt. One thing that struck a chord with me was that she focused on how its our responsibility to save the planet and just everything she said, made sense in a way....but at the same time, it didnt. She is obviously one of those people who believe in the phrase "why dont you just adopt". Now before I go on a tangent about how mad this article made me, I had to ask my husband "Are you saying we should adopt?" The main reason is because in his job, he is very environmental conscious and I wasnt sure if this lady had convinced him that adoption would be better for us. I hadnt read the next article that was written in response to it.

The next article was written by Julie Robichaux of A Little Pregnant. Why 'just adopt' is not the answer. Honestly, I LOVED her response. She went on to point out that if its such a planet saving move to just adopt, then fertiles have just as much responsibility as infertiles to take that on. Just because we cant have kids, doesnt mean that we are automatically volunteered to adopt. Now before I go any further, I used to never be open to adoption and that is slowly changing. If push came to shove, I do believe we will adopt. I also believe as being adopted myself that I would love to have every chance in the world to have biological kids.

I cant figure out how to add links, so if anyone knows how please let me know! :) Id love to share the articles with you directly!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So I wont bombard you with a bunch of pics of opks over the next few days :) Ill be sure and post my positive, but til then you will just have to believe me when I say ITS GETTING DARKER!!!! Of course Il be most likely all doped up on Vicadin when Im Oing....but at this point Ill take it because I havent had a normal cycle since I was 15! Maybe I will just tell him to have his way with me haha! :) Ok enough of that!
The past few days I have felt like we are newlyweds again! Its been amazing to just spend time together and enjoy each other with ZERO pressure. I love that man so much, he is going to be an incredible daddy...he is already an incredible husband, son, and brother. I am beyond blessed to have him.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Wow well that was a surprise

So today is cd 10...and I decided to take an opk(ovulation predictor kit) and it is pretty dark!! Its not positive, but since I have diagnosed "low lh" I dont get darker lines off of meds! Could this be the beginning of FINALLY ovulating on my own??? PS if you click the pic it gets bigger!! :)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

As I promised :)

A few of you ladies have been asking for pictures of our Christmas decor....well now that its finally complete I have uploaded a few pics for your pure enjoyment! :)

Front door

Entry way


Letting a little creativity flow

More creativity

Christmas tree with fire place

One of my lil Christmas villages

Santa and another lil Christmas village

Closeup of said village!

Some of my favorite ornaments!

Wow what a weekend

Ok so Im sure alot of you are familiar with the side effect from Clomid known as RAGE. Well I think on Friday I had that, but from a Clomid withdrawal. I seriously havent been as angry as I was in a very long time, maybe it was all the pent up feelings from the previous weeks just getting out Im not sure. All I know is it made my birthday miserable. We ended up pretending that my birthday was part of yesterday so that we could make some good memories out of it. Our house is finally all decorated so I will try and make another post of our holiday decor :)
The past few weeks have really taken a toll on me. School ends in 1.5 weeks and I couldn't be more excited for a break. I just need to have NOTHING to think about.
We talked yesterday and it looks like since we are facing surgery, that our break may be more than a year long :( Unless something breaks through and we get the funds we may have to wait til January 2012 before we can continue with surgery and then treatments.
My wisdom tooth on my bottom left has been really bothering me so I am scheduled to get that(and the others) pulled on Thursday afternoon. I will have to skip class on Friday but it will be ok. Im pretty sure Ill still pass the class with a B.
I think thats all for now, Im feeling somewhat better about everything that has happened..still sad when I see and hear about all the new babies...but one day that will be me...and when that day comes it will be insanely crazy good :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

And the bad news just keeps on coming...

Alrighty, so my follow up appointment was yesterday and anytime the doc walks in and says your not going to like what Im about to tell you, you know something bad is about to happen. He said he has never seen someone react to the meds like I did and they NOT have endo....he went on to say that he believes my chances of conceiving without a lap is slim to none. So then he went on to say that if his suspicions are correct, we will need injects because they feed endometriosis more slowly than the pill forms of fertility meds. So our cost of treatment just tripled if not more in cost :(
Essentially now we know which is good, but now we have to figure out when we will be able to afford injects because we obviously will have to go through an intense 6 months of treatment after the lap if endo is found. I seriously feel like everything is falling apart in our quest for children. Im not dealing with ovulation failure, low progesterone, and now endometriosis. We are talking more seriously about IUI and possibly even IVF depending on the results of my lap.
Needless to say my hope for a "break baby" just went down the toilet. Please continue to pray for me and hubs because we are both just stunned and really dont know how to handle the news.
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