Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And that makes baby #3...

...born this week.
I really think this is a MASSIVE TEST from God, because how is it that as Im sitting here suffering from my second miscarriage of the year that I get to see so many beautiful babies being born in the very same week. I wont lie about my feelings, I have sobbed(cried would be an understatement) myself to sleep every night. I keep having horrible thoughts about how my husband deserves someone better, or that Im a complete failure and really dont have a purpose in living. I feel like Im holding on by a thread. I am trying so hard not to fall into the deep black hole of depression. I have to go to the doc tomorrow to do a cycle review and get another ultrasound done to make sure my cyst went away. After that I will have more of an answer about cost and the next steps for when we do pursue treatment again. Part of me wants to take this nice long break, but then the other part of me doesnt wanna stop til we get our blessing. My heart just aches for a child... I know that God will definitely have His way in all of this, but I just really wish I knew what to expect.

With the holidays coming up, Im trying so desperately to focus all of my emotions on Christmas. A holiday that brings my heart so much joy and happiness. My birthday is on Friday, and Im really trying hard to be excited. We are planning on having a Christmas type party for it. Decorate Christmas cookies, gingerbread houses...the works. I really just hope so much that I can make it through the end of this year with as little tears as possible.

Please God, help me get through this horrible season in life and help me understand what Your plan for my life is.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!...and other ramblings lol

Hey readers :)
I just wanted to stop by and say HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I hope everyone got their tummys full of turkey and all the fixings!!

We are spending Thanksgiving in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Hubs' aunt has a few condos and a townhouse up here, so we are just enjoying the mountains, and Im really trying to just relax and not let pms get the best of me. :)
I think Im allergic to something up here though because I have been feeling just so sick! I ended up taking a 3 hour nap before Thanksgiving dinner because I felt so yucky! It was no fun to wake up before supper and still feel sick to my stomach, no fun at all!

Today my mom is coming to see me and we are going to spend the day on the town while hubs and bro go skiing/boarding.
Im pretty excited as I havent seen her since May and since she knows about everything thats going on Im really looking forward to feeling like someone cares as not alot of people in real life inquire to see how we are doing.

I am sad I missed out on black friday shopping, but oh well! I have about 95% of my Christmas shopping done already haha!
I think Im going to start advertising myself as a wedding planner in my area, I have experience and even a degree to match! I need to make extra income to pay off all our debt from this year and I think this may be the best way to do so!

My birthday is in one week, I will be 23. I always thought Id have a kid by the time I was 23, but I know that Gods plans are higher than ours. I have to go to my doc at least one more time for an ultrasound and cycle review and to talk about all the options before we officially decide to "quit". He wants to make sure my cyst shrunk and I dont need surgery to remove it. Im interested to hear what he has to say about my ultrasound series and all that. He seemed convinced that it would show him alot more as to what is wrong with me. We'll see.

_____________________________TMI below....if your interested in reading about af, or the lack there of...keep reading lol

Well today is day 5 of spotting. Im having really bad mood swings and I am HORRIBLY bloated. I swear part of me wonders what the heck is going on. I DONT spot before af, ever. I feel like Im going crazy because I keep remembering my dream about finding out I was pregnant when I was about 5.5 weeks along by ultrasound and next week I have to get an ultrasound. With this weird af, idk its just all SO ODD. If it werent for the negative blood test on Monday, I would seriously almost believe I was pregnant still. But that blood test reminds me that I am not, and its just a whacky period. Hubs said weirder things have happened...but I dont think so. lol (I know I sound completely crazy for even mentioning all of this...but if you were in my shoes I bet you would too)
My spotting started out black and is red now, but its STILL SO LIGHT! What the heck is going on?!

Monday, November 22, 2010

My heart has never been so broken

Today I got the news I was so scared to get. My heart is JUST so broken right now, I will attempt to write through my tears. So Im sorry if this comes out a little messy or if it doesnt make sense. On Thursday I went in and got a beta done, and the number came back as 8. Anything over 5 is pregnant, one nurse said it could be left over trigger, the other said she thought it was early pregnancy...I seriously felt pregnant....but I will never know which it was. But todays was negative, so its over either way. My heart feels shattered. I had such exciting plans, couldnt wait to tell our parents over the holiday. Its the one time we would have been with them in person at the same time and it would have been perfect. I feel like a failure, I feel like I cant do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. I cant make my husband a daddy and my heart just aches because of it. This weekend it was so nice to hear him talk about a baby, being a daddy, rubbing my tummy, saying he wants a little girl. The fact that I cant get pregnant, really just seems cruel. I knew it was too good to be true. I guess we will be taking that holiday maternity shirt back. Wow, my heart just hurts. The fact of the matter is, my body hasnt worked on its own at all, ever. And now that we will be stopping treatments, I feel utterly hopeless. Maybe being a mommy just isnt in His plan for my life.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sorry its been awhile since I did a real update

Ive been so busy with school and getting ready for the holidays that its just been crazy around here. Ive also tried to not obsess about anything as to HOPE TO GOD it helps :) Still waiting, but thats ok. Whatever happens, I just know that God has it. I know I will be absolutely devastated if we are not pregnant, but like I said its in Gods hands. He will heal my broken heart, it may take some time...but my heart will be mended. We decided that if Im not pregnant, we are going to go on a cruise after the beginning of the year, maybe for Valentines day! Im excited about that thought!! Im just going to continue wait and pray and know that whatever happens. Its in Gods hands!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Things Im thankful for!

Other than God, this is my "what Im thankful for" list
1. My wonderful, sexy, hilarious, handsome, awesome, amazing, smart husband!!! He is MY WORLD and I cant imagine going through life with any other person!!!
2. My family, they might be crazy at times..but I LOVE EM!!!
3. My amazing puppy, she brightens my day and I LOVE HER so much!! She is seriously the most hilarious, entertaining, obedient dog Ive ever seen.
4. My amazing friends :) You know who you are!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! lol,
5. My amazing online support! You ladies are the best and I really feel blessed to have found you all!! :)

Yep, Im blessed. And Ill never say otherwise.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Its a good day

Im so tired today, but my midterm is FINALLY OVER!! I feel a huge sigh of relief :) I found out today I have a B+ in Spanish so thats good! FF says I have 48 points, so we shall see what happens! Im ready for this week to get over with!! LOL My husband and best friend are convinced that I am, but Im not. Not yet. My tests need to get clearer. Not sure if the trigger is just lingering, but todays was the same OR slightly darker than yesterdays....so I am hoping thats a good sign

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Feeling anxious and kinda scared

Today is 9dpo, and Im feeling really scared to be honest. Im terrified what will happen to my heart if this cycle results in another bfn... FF says af is due tomorrow, but since Im on progesterone shots Im hoping she will STAY AWAY and give me a decent LP. As far as symptoms go, Im trying not to look into much of anything.
Ive been bloated to no end, and I HATE IT lol. I definitely look pregnant. The past few days only my nips have been hurting, til today now the whole thing just hurts. This weekend I dont know if its the stress of the past week or what, but Ive have had to take a nap. Not just a short one either, a full blown 2 hour nap yesterday and today. Ive been fighting waves of nausea since Friday. Lets see, I experienced "jello brain", I mean I have my moments but even this was too much for a normal day for me! If this is what pregnancy will be like then Lord help me!

I have my suspicions that none of these are from the meds, but who knows. Ive been testing the trigger out and today its almost gone.
On Friday we went and looked at a litter of puppies, they were freaking precious! We really want Honu to have a little brother or sister to keep her company while we are getting busier it seems. Last year I got a puppy for my birthday and am hoping this year to get a bfp AND a puppy. Yes, I realize this seems selfish, but its what I want :)
Here is a picture from the day I picked up Honu

You can say it....AWWWW...yeah I know she is pretty darn cute!
The next week just needs to go by quickly so I can just know and move on with my life. Im terrified of this break, it may mean that we wont be parents for a few more years. It may show me that God does have it under control, maybe He will get me pregnant naturally... heck with all the meds maybe Im fixed(I can hope right?!)....but more than likely it will result in us not being parents for awhile and thats something I just need to learn how to accept....

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Well my tests are getting lighter.

So thats a good sign! I just need them go negative soon so that I wont question the lines. :)
I feel like Im losing my mind with all the hormones that have been injected into me this past week. On top of all the horrible thingsthat have happened this week, Im just plain old stressed. I decided that I really really hate school. It doesnt feel worth it. Im gonna keep pushing, and just see what happens. This midterm is really kicking my butt. Its been like a three day process and its not even halfway over. I am just ready to explode LOL. Im planning on doing something that makes me happy this weekend. Im going to go ice skating, come home and bake, decorate for Christmas, and just have a good time with my husband. I need to just relax and have a good time and reconnect with the hubs and thats what I plan on doing!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Here are the three pregnancy tests I have taken

I needed some good news.

Im still pretty upset from earlier, but I just wanted to stop by real quick and let everyone know that I did ovulate. But I have a 30mm cyst, so Im on a progesterone shot series. I got one today, and I am going to get three more, one each on Wed, Fri, and next Mon. Even though I hate these shots, and my butt will be SO SORE, I am grateful because I KNOW that it will help me stay pregnant and my period will definitely stay away as long as it should. It will probably even be late, but you know what...thats better than an 8 day luteal phase. If I havent gotten af or if I have gotten a bfp by 16dpo I can go in for a beta. Its two days before we leave for Thanksgiving break. Talk about down to the wire. Anyways, so thats the plan...please pray for me...I dont know how much more bad news I can take.

This may sound selfish but I dont care

My heart is broken, the one thing I yearn for... It burns so deep in me. I plead with God on a daily basis. I just want the chance to be a mother. I had to find out on Facebook today that my sister is 9 weeks pregnant. What possessed her to write it on Facebook without telling me? She claims it was to save my feelings, but I seriously doubt that. My heart hurts. The one thing I beg for, He seemingly just passes out to every woman who spreads her legs. Graphic, I know. Do I care? No. Its true. What did I do to deserve this? She gets her second baby (her son, my nephew is 9 months old) ON birth control and using condoms....and Im sitting here bding at the right times, being injected with so many different meds/hormones that I feel crazy, constant monitoring, pokes, prods, we beg God for our chance. All He says is no. I want to believe that God loves me, but this very moment makes me feel so forgotten. How is this fair? I love my sister, but she smoked her entire pregnancy with my nephew. She isnt with the father of either baby. I just dont understand. I know everyone makes mistakes but tell me this...how is this fair?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Oh what a wonderful dream

Well, today is cd 17 and not sure if I have ovulated or not. We're just going to bd like I havent and the docs confirm it. I had a super sharp pain on my right ovary last night, so Im thinking its possible at least one egg has released. I have been having INSANE mood swings. I apologize to all who know me. Seriously, the best way for me to describe it is I feel like IM LOSING MY MIND. I hope that the hcg leaves my system quickly..

Anyways to address the title of my post :)
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant but didnt know it. I was only 5 weeks though. I had an ultrasound done and the tech was like oh my, well there is your baby! I looked at her and was like "Dont joke with me, are you playing a joke?!" lol, and then later in the dream we were telling a little girl that we were pregnant and even though I cant remember it could have been my lil sister lol, anyways...I told her and she was hugging my tummy saying "aww baby!!!" lol I woke up in a great mood, even though Im so insanely exhausted. I seriously have gotten up every hour on the hour every night to pee. It HAS to be the HCG. No fun to get the symptoms with no baby...but if this gets me the baby then well so be it! lol

Friday, November 5, 2010

Follie check #5 and 30,000 units of hcg

Well todays ultrasound went ok. I wish it had said that I had released my eggies, but alas..it didnt. One of the follies was leaking, so it can be assumed its ready to release. They were both 19mm. I got a third shot of 10,000 units of hcg. Not really sure how long its going to take for all of it to clear my system! I guess Im gonna start testing it out on Monday. Ill keep you guys posted!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Rest In Peace Aiden

I just got a text from my dear friend, her son was diagnosed with trisomy 18 a few months ago. He went to be with Jesus today, they are currently at the hospital inducing labor and I just wanna ask all my readers to please pray for Jessie and Shawn. I can not imagine the pain they are going through right now :(

Follie check #4!

Im feeling somewhat emotional today, its probably all the stress of school, trying to find a new job, and fighting these thoughts from Satan that Im a failure, oh and the fact that I have been injected with the pregnancy hormone: HCG.
One thing the pastor from last night said was that WE are not failures, the situations are. (That was before he met with us afterward) I just have to keep that in mind. That is the biggest thing I seem to struggle with is feeling like a complete failure. Satan definitely likes to torture me with those thoughts. This morning I was so emotional and then I ended up getting a speeding ticket which made me so upset I couldnt drive and hubs ended up taking me home and I skipped class for the first time this term. We went grocery shopping and I bought a bunch of things that were low in calories that I could eat for lunches. I have been able to stay under 1500 calories a day! I havent been able to get to the gym once this week because somehow we got on a bd schedule of the mornings, so that takes the time out that we were working out in. But next week I will start back up! I did lunges two days ago and oh my word, my legs are still killing me. It will be worth it though! I just have to keep on trucking. I am getting SO EXCITED for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have some Christmas presents bought already, but Im not even a quarter way in. Im trying to make sure that we give good gifts, but in our budget(which this year is TINY). If anyone has any tips/ideas for inexpensive presents let me know!! My birthday is in 29 days, haha...Im still young enough where I still look forward to it! Ill be 23 years old! Im really praying Ill be pregnant for my 23rd birthday! I always thought I would by then...

Follie update :)
Ok so yesterdays reading (we read off the screen lol) was wrong. I had one at 19mm and the other was smaller..today they are 21mm and 16mm. Got my second dose of HCG today. I go back tomorrow for yet another ultrasound. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have ovulated and no more will be needed! Here was my test from this morning, definitely positive. I told hubs I was pregnant..he laughed...I hope here in 2 weeks or so Ill be able to tell him for real!!! Here was this mornings test. I decided to go ahead and test out the trigger!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Follie Check #3!!

Well my ultrasound went well, she still couldnt see my left ovary well enough...but she doesnt think from what she can see that the follies on that one are growing...so we focused more on the right. I had two follies that were ready to go, one at 18mm and the other at 19mm!!!!!! We triggered at 4pm. I go back in tomorrow at 4 to see if I ovulate between now and then, and if not they are going to give me another hcg injection tomorrow. Im beyond excited!! Tonight we had a guest pastor speaking to the youth group from Derry, Ireland. He was awesome! He mentioned during the service that they had quads! Thats right!! FOUR BABIES! They are five now, but still LOL afterwards me and hubs went up to him to talk more and he prayed with us. I told him I wanted to visit Ireland so if I wasnt pregnant next summer I totally was going to come on the missions trip there this upcoming summer. He responded "well I for one hope your not coming because I hope your pregnant by then!" lol made my night :) anyways, will update you guys tomorrow after that ultrasound! :)

Follie Check #2

Alrighty sorry I havent updated in a few days..its been super busy with halloween and yesterday was just so jam packed full of stuff to do :( Monday was my #2 follie check..and well you remember that I had 3 tiny ones on my right and 2 large ones on my left? We fully expected the large ones to be the ones that would be maturing considering that they are the ones that were so close to being mature. That was not the case, they hardly changed in size. The three on my right however grew and the largest was 16mm. I go back today at 3pm and she said I could probably expect to do the trigger today. So now we just have to wait and see what happens. Its kinda exciting and scary that I have possibly 4 different eggs that "might" release. I think my ultrasound later will tell alot :) Ill update you again after my doc appointment I promise :) Im not having any fertile mucus at all so not exactly sure whats goin on as I have been doing robutussin for three days and drinking tons of water. I am using preseed externally though so hopefully that will help.
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