Thursday, October 28, 2010

Follie Check

Well today was my first follie check in the series my doc is doing. I had 3 tiny ones on my right ovary, and 2 larger ones on my left. I ovulated from my right last time, so it makes sense the more mature ones would be on my left I think. The two larger ones are 13mm & 15mm and they want to see them be over 20mm before they are released. She said on average they will grow 1-2mm a day so they both should be ready on Monday! Then once they are ready, we are going to do a trigger and I should ovulate around 36hrs later! I really didnt expect them to say that I had follies that are possibly so close to being ready. So yeah thats all I have to say right now. Maybe with the two mature follies we will get twins!!! haha that would be amazing

Monday, October 25, 2010

Doc appointment today!

Ok so today is my doctors appointment. We are going to go over all the tests I got done, and see if there is any change in the hormones. I read an interesting article about how if you have blood type O you have increased chances of infertility.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8084012/Women-with-O-blood-type-may-struggle-to-conceive.html
Im not sure what mine is, but I know my mom has blood type O. So Im gonna ask the doc what mine is lol. Im not claiming anything, Jesus is the decider of my fertility, not my blood type...but its definitely interesting.
Anyways back to what I was saying. Today is my doctors appointment and baseline ultrasound. Im kinda excited to hear what his game plan is. Ill be back later to update everyone!! :)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Onto treatment cycle #5

If you could see me right now, you would see a woman whose heart has been broken so many times. A woman who tries so desperately to put her best smile on when she goes to church, or the mall, or anywhere in public. A woman who tells her family she is great, who makes it seem ok. In reality, its not ok. I know deep in my soul that we will be parents one day, and that God has it. And thats not what these feelings are about. These feelings are just that, feelings. Feelings can and will lie to you. I try to remember that on a daily basis, but who doesn't get caught up in feelings? I know I do. Im sure you do too. Right now, Im trying so hard to get psyched for infertility treatment cycle #5. Im trying to look at all the positives such as I FINALLY ovulated this time, my progesterone was DOUBLE what it was the last time I ovulated in March...even though I still got af earlier than I should have...I just have to keep trucking and hope that they will adjust the progesterone support! This cycle is going to be our biggest yet, he mentioned three to six different medications, multiple ultrasounds and blood work, Im not exactly sure what the plan is, but I have an appointment at 2pm on Monday(cd 5) to discuss what we will be doing and start round five. I never thought when we started fertility treatments we would be doing them for so long. I realize this isnt as long as some women, but you just never expect it. I know God gave me and my husband the desire for kids, and I know He will be faithful. Sometimes what I know isnt what I feel, but thats when I just have to stop and pray and just realize that feelings lie....

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Voice of Truth

I was driving down the road today thinking about the two week wait and all that we have been through in trying to conceive and the miscarriage and just all of it..and I turned on K-Love and this song came on. When the part
"But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
came on I seriously started to lose it in my car. I bawled. How many times have we tried to get pregnant? How many times have we tested praying that THAT would be the test that would prove our dreams were coming true....Below are the lyrics and a youtube video of the song....I choose to listen to the Voice of Truth...do you?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Facebook.

So I have a facebook as does probably every single person I know. And I even post links to my blog on there, as everyone knows what we are going through. But can I just tell you, the "mommy" week on facebook....it downright stings. Seeing it on every freaking status on my wall...bleh!! It seriously has made me avoid facebook for a few days. I literally hide those statuses as soon as they pop up. Not because of anything my friends are doing...but being on the"other side" I dont know, it just feels like salt being rubbed into the wound. I almost said something on facebook about it. But then I realized I didnt wanna be misconstrued as "mean". So I am just going to write about it here...and if your a mommy and you get offended by this. Well Im sorry...but I wont apologize for how seeing all the "mommy" status updates makes me feel. Sometimes I have thought about getting rid of facebook, but then I realize I couldnt because of how many people I have that I talk to on there. I really wish facebook would come up with something that I could put a forbidden words list and statuses that had those words in the content would disappear from my feed.
I think I would put: Im pregnant, We're expecting, baby, pregnancy...well you get the picture. But then again it would probably make statuses disappear like "We're expecting our house to sell tomorrow!" or "Baby, I love you!" Ha, I definitely just made myself "laugh out loud". Anyways, this is my rant about facebook and the torture it brings to those of us who feel like we're on the outside "looking in"

Monday, October 18, 2010

If God is for us then who can stand against us?



This is a video of the song that I have been listening to for about 2 weeks and I LOVE IT. It definitely applies to the situation we are in right now. It really reminds me every single time that I listen to it that He is for us, and if He is for us then who can stand against us? He has the entire situation under control. I may not like it, but its definitely under His control. He chose me to walk through this, for whatever reason I have no idea...but He has the power to control it. He can give me a baby tomorrow. Will he? I am not sure, but what I do know is that He has it under control.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Counting my blessings

So today I was chatting with my awesome friend J. She is pregnant with a precious little boy and he was diagnosed with trisomy 18. Her due date is 5 weeks away, and it breaks my heart to think that its possible that these are the last few weeks she has with her precious son. I wish I could fix it, make it better. You know whats funny is Ive never even met her in real life, but she has been there for me during this time of me trying to get pregnant. We may not speak as much as I would like, but she is a true friend and she lets Jesus shine through her. I can NOT imagine feeling my baby move, kick, respond to my voice just to know that chances are I wouldnt be able to watch him grow up, hear him call me mama, or see him take his first steps. Yes there is always a chance that Jesus could heal this little boy and he will surprise the doctors and it would be a miracle, but its more likely that his fate will be as the others before him. Those precious babies that were taken from us way too soon. God picked such an amazing mommy for Aiden. He is truly blessed to have her as his mom. I pray daily that God would continue to mend J's broken heart, and that he would continue to let His light shine through her and Aiden's story.

After talking with her, I have just been sitting here praying that God would help me to just remember all the things I have to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget to look at the glass as half full. I have an insanely amazing husband who has stood by me through all the doctors appointments, diagnosis after diagnosis, the tears, the anger, the mood swings, the obsessing, the pain. I have an amazing family, my mom has truly been such a blessing to me. She listens to me cry, gives me advice, tells me to get over it when I need someone to just be blunt with me, and prays for me. I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ask for. My friend K, she is such a prayer warrior and I can call her pretty much any time and she will stand in the gap when Im too weak to. Her kids are such a blessing to me. They love me, they give me kisses and we play together and they are very much how I hope my kids are one day. So sweet and just so full of Gods love! My friend A.B., she is a youth pastor in Texas. We dont get to see each other very much, but boy she is always ready to be there if I need a shoulder(over the phone haha) to cry on. She always reminds me that God has a plan, and she never fails to pray for me. My other friend S.W. she lives in FL..man this girl has just been with me 100% along the way. She knows the pain, she understands the diagnosis, the desire. She has always been there to pick me up when I fall down. She is such a blessing to me! And of course my friend M, she is seriously one of my best friends. She has been rooting for me since last christmas, she has prayed for me, and listened to me and I feel so lucky to have her as one of my friends. I will never forget my friend Savana, she was and always will be the inspiration for my life, she always showed me how to live life, and she loved God with all her heart. She was so excited we were trying for a baby, and I just know she is going to pick me out the best baby ever when its time :) I love her tons and miss her daily. And well of course we cant forget my dog, who loves me so much she literally flips out if I go to the bathroom and comes back into the room. She just loves being with me, loves to cuddle and gives me hugs and kisses. I love my dog. She is my baby! God has truly blessed me, and where as I dont have my baby yet...things could be so much worse. I know God has everything in control and it will happen when its supposed to. Thank you to my dear friends who have been there for me, I hope that I am able to bless you as much as you have me! Love you guys.

Pickles for breakfast?!

Haha, yep you read that right. I had pickles for breakfast, and lunch actually. They were delicious. I havent had a pickle in months. I know this may seem really random, but to me its not. Even though I know its way too soon to be looking into pregnancy symptoms..I just cant help it. Haha, ok but realistically Im not saying this is one... But it sure is fun to think about. I am just going to continue to hope and dream!

So update on my new doctors appointment yesterday!
I LOVE HIM! haha, he is so nice! I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check to make sure my lining is good enough to sustain a pregnancy and then if it comes out good Ill get my estrodial and progesterone blood tests done and if it doesnt then Ill have to repeat it on Monday and get those blood tests done then and the best part is that if I need it he is gonna put me on progesterone support!! Im just thinking if I get pregnant Ill actually have a fighting chance at carrying full term this time!! Im so glad this doctor is listening to my concerns and is actually taking the steps to get and keep me pregnant!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

~it worked~

So the T3 treatment Im on MUST be helping, because I definitely ovulated on Sunday!! Praise God!! I just have to say, that this time around Im feeling so insanely hopeful. I really hope our ttc journey is coming to an end. I hope the heart breaking part of this is almost over. I am so eager to see those two lines, see that heartbeat, feel the baby move, and finally hold our baby in my arms. I have been day dreaming for a couple of days and I CANT WAIT. I really hope the next week goes by quickly. Last night when we went to bed, he leaned over and touched my tummy and said "dear Jesus, please send us our baby". I seriously cried. It touched my heart. I said Amen, and he was like do you have anything else to ask for, I replied, nope thats all I can think of that I want. It was a very sweet moment that definitely infiltrated my dreams because then I dreamt about getting three positive pregnancy tests and not believing it. And in my dream hubs had to just tell me YOUR PREGNANT BELIEVE IT haha. Oh I really pray this is it for us. 15 months is so long to be trying for a baby. The emotional toll its taken on me and on him. All I know is God has used it to strengthen us and our marriage. I love him more and more every day.

Please Jesus send us our baby.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What a wonderful weekend

Well today is cd 16, I got a positive ovulation test Friday night!! It was beautiful and I will admit I cried. I just pray I get a temp spike in the morning or Ill worry that it was a false positive opk.

I had an awesome time at the baby shower yesterday, I will even admit that I didnt even cry. Not once, not even after I left. Im pretty proud. She had a blast, and it was awesome. :) Im so happy that I got to do that for her! I feel like God has really been stretching me and my character and love for others. I still have moments where I would love to drop kick some people, but they are slowly improving where I just want to pinch them. Yay for caring for people other than yourself. Here are some pics from the party :)

All set up and ready to PARTTAAYY


Its A Girl! :)


Me and my awesome co-hostess Erica


Me helping the mommy to be write down her gifts!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I must be getting close!!!

So todays ovulation tests arent positive but they are SO CLOSE. Im having a horrible day, nothing seems to be wanting to work out the way that I planned it to. I have a baby shower tomorrow and when I was decorating the cake earlier...it broke. And then I tried cupcakes, and they just dont look right. Thank God I was able to order a back up cake. I am working on finishing up the baby quilt that I started like 3 months ago...I have to get it done tonight, but yet I keep seeing all the imperfections and it makes me frustrated. I am too much of a perfectionist sometimes I think. Anyways, Im cd 14 with an ALMOST ++ opk, so we shall see what tomorrow holds!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

YAY for fall :)

Ok so Im tired of all the woah is me posts! Geez lol, so it was FINALLY starting to feel like fall(even though today was a bit warmer than it has been and apparently the next week its supposed to be very unlike fall weather booo) Tomorrow we are going to the pumpkin patch with my best friend and her hubs and sons! Its going to be a blast! :) School started back up yesterday, and my spanish prof is pretty entertaining. It seems to me that she really loves like hands on activities and projects. I cant tell if this is going to be an funner or more difficult class because of it. Hopefully it will be wayyyy more funner! :) I have the baby shower Im hosting this weekend, pretty excited and nervous. If I have to cry, I hope I can not do it til after I get home as I want this baby shower to be one she will never forget :) Oh and I made an appointment with that new ob/gyn. I just need to get my records to be sent to him. Its next wednesday. Yipppeee. OK thats really all I have to say right now haha, not much going on here. Just alot of homework and spending time with my pup Honu. On the ttc front, nothing much is going on...waiting to ovulate. Hopefully I actually do this time around...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Today we learned alll about cervical mucus

LOL, so today we had our first meeting with our Creighton model instructor to go over how they chart. We went over the different stickers, meanings, and how to mark everything down. We also saw pictures. LOL, now Im not one to call my husband into the bathroom to show off my ewcm...so this was all new to him! I kinda felt bad for him, but he was tough and totally handled it well! :) (He probably wont admit it, but I think he was interested in it! haha)
While we were there the lady told us about an OB/GYN in our town that we could consider going to if things didnt work out at the specialist. We went out on a date tonight and talked about it and I need to find an OB/GYN here in town anyways, and this doctor would deliver at the hospital that I have already picked out. So I think we are going to try and get in to see him. At the very least to see if I like him enough to let him deliver our baby, but we will also be asking him about treatments and see what his course of treatment would be with our situation. He was trained by Dr Hilgers which is the doctor that my doctor is under. Dr Hilgers is one of the best in the nation if not the world. Knowing that this other doctor used to work at the institute almost instantly puts me at ease with how he would do things. But then again I havent met him yet...and if he is in our insurance network it would be worth it to switch. Now, with all that being said I want to give the T3 treatment Im on a fair chance, but with how my doc almost refuses to go up in the clomid or do injections or switch to femara...all because she wants to avoid multiple births makes me well feeling somewhat frustrated. You cant get pregnant if you dont ovulate and you dont ovulate "well". So anyways, now this is another option we are looking into. And if we decide to switch to this doctor I will probably be scheduling a lap in January before school starts back up. So yeah, kinda exciting to have more options, but first we have to meet him and find out where he stands on everything and what he would do.
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