Friday, July 30, 2010

So many feelings right now.....

Ok yesterday was my follow up doctors appointment. Im totally and completely NOT impressed by this place. First last week they lost my chart, and after they found it...it took three days for me to get to talk to SOMEBODY about my glucose test results. The lady I talked to said everything was in and I should make an appointment to see my doctor, so I did. The FIRST thing my doctor says is "Why are you here?" I was just kinda taken aback. I just said the nurse said my stuff was in and since we are forgoing the surgery for now to come in and we would do a follow up appointment to discuss treatment....my doctor looked at me like I was crazy. She was like well, I see your waiting for your call to schedule your surgery....and I had to say "no, we cant do it right now and this is why". She tried convincing me to do it, and Im like no we cant, not til next year sometime at the very least...SO THEN she goes through and tells me well if you have endo, clomid wont work and so we should just wait to any fertility treatments til you have it. I was about ready to cry. I dont want to wait a year to start trying again. It broke my heart. I was insistent and said I would like to do treatment now and just pray I dont have anything that could interfere with it like endo. Then she said what they were going to do was give me a progesterone shot, and then I was supposed to come back on cd 5 to get an ultrasound because my cysts were a little on the bigger side. And then IF my cysts shrink we will do clomid...but honestly her tone and body gestures were not very promising. I think if I get ANY treatment there it will be because I throw a fit....its ridiculous. NOT TO MENTION that not all of my blood results were in...so yesterday was a COMPLETE waste. They could have just told me that my testosterone, progesterone, estrogen, and thyroid were really low. Oh and that hubby's was a tiny bit less than perfect. So THEN after all that I was about ready to cry because she wanted to draw more blood and give me a shot in my butt of progesterone. I have never had bad blood draws til this place. It was HORRIBLE. The lady did my right arm, didnt get anything so went to my left, now it looks like there is a massive hole in my left arm and then she did the progesterone shot in the butt...My butt hurts and I seriously broke down after she said she didnt get any out of the first arm. I just broke.

So needless to say, my appointment SUCKED. I actually called and left a message for my old doc to see what they think about my blood tests and see if they can treat me for pcos like this doc will, cuz then it will be covered by my health insurance...and I liked my old doctor better in this area. She always explained everything, my new doc looks at me like Im stupid if I ask any questions...

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Glucose test results!

Okey dokey, well I FINALLY got ahold of my doctors nurse after calling several times over three days(*sigh*) She said all my test results are in, but all I was really wondering about was the glucose test, and so she told me that I am insulin resistant. I have an appointment scheduled for this coming Thursday- July 29th. At the appointment we are going to go through all my test results and the best treatment plan since we dont know if I have endo. So hopefully after next week we will be back on treatments!! YAY! Im so relieved to know that ONE thing has been found out! Even though insulin resistance sucks, this is good! Its better to know and treat then NOT to know!! We did the S/A today, and boy that was an ordeal..wont go into details, but by far that was the most stressed and pressured I have felt all week LOL...(and I wasnt even the one that had to "deliver")

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Little bit of good news...

So I finally got ahold of a nurse and she said they had lost my chart....lol
So whats the good news you might ask? I told her what we would be expected to pay and how we couldn't afford that and is there any way we could get around not having the surgery right now. She said yes there is most certainly a way. So, she is going to (once they find my chart) add a note to have someone call me this next week to schedule my followup appointment and then we will start treatment, treating what they have found so far. SOoo it looks like in the next month WE WILL BE BACK IN THIS!! Im just praying nothing else gets in our way, this emotional roller coaster is almost too much to handle....

Navigating Emotions

Well last night me and my hubs had a moment. Well a few moments of just pure sadness and prayer. We got through it, but again we are wondering where to go from here. We found out that since my new doctor isnt apart of our insurance network, our yearly out of pocket costs is about $9500. They upp'd it from our normal $3500 deductible to $7000, and then the $6000 after THAT we have to pay 40% and only after that will we get things covered. We really cant afford that much right now. Im not sure what we will do, but right now its hard not to feel a little hopeless. Please pray for us as we try and figure out what God's doing, or at least what we need to do next....some days I feel like we will never be parents......

Friday, July 16, 2010

Ultrasound & Glucose test update

Well got both those tests done today, the ultrasound definitely was interesting...the blood draws = NOT FUN. I know it will all be worth it in the end! I should be done with blood tests for awhile! (I hope so)
Well I wont complain too much about my blood draws(even though they hurt like hell). BUT my ultrasound revealed that my uterus is sitting wayy off to the left, to the point where my left ovary is squished...it looked like a long, skinny oval rather than a circle...it was interesting to say the least. She said I had cysts, but it wasnt the typical "ring of pearls" that goes with pcos...hmmm...interesting she said. She said the doctors will end up "having a lot of fun", and "they like a challenge" when referring to me.....of course I'll be one of the unusual cases for them LOL

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Feeling a little down

So I have to admit, every time I get on facebook I feel somewhat MORE sad about not being a mommy, like with most of my friends they are moms....and well, Im not. I feel so out of place sometimes. They have their play dates, mops, etc... I never see any of them anymore. Just kinda makes me feel somewhat sad...

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My little update

So, yeah. Im back from my appointment. I thought I would feel better after, but in all honesty, I dont. Im more scared. This was went down.
She thinks I have Pcos and Endo. She thinks the Endo is what possibly caused my miscarriages. If not the endo, the low progesterone. So in the next month or two, I will have a Lap & Hsg(done while Im put under at the same time). After that, back on Clomid and any other meds they see fit. If I dont respond to the Clomid they will want to do ovary wedge resection, which honestly FREAKS ME OUT. Im so so so scared of surgery, so Im feeling very overwhelmed. Its nice to know all this isnt in my head lol, but yeah...they are the experts......Its much more real now...

Monday, July 12, 2010

I Would Die For That

So I just need to vent for a moment. Well its not a vent per say, its more like I just am feeling kinda out of place in this world. It seems like half our friends aren't ready for kids, and the other half already have a few....and we don't really fit into either area. I noticed that we aren't invited to hardly anything because we don't have kids. I SO WANT to be in the "mommy club". I want to be invited to the play dates, and the afternoon park trips...all of it. One day...I keep telling myself one day that will be me. *Sigh*....one day. I cant really blame them though, I don't have anything in common with them...
ANYWAYS...
Tomorrow is my appointment, I am getting so excited...ready to get the show on the road!! I really really really cant wait. I hope today goes by very quickly!! Please pray for me that they will figure it out as soon as possible so we can hopefully get pregnant soon!

This is one of my favorite videos ever. It makes me BAWL LIKE A BABY...but yeah...one of my favs
Describes my emotions to the T.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

My intro vlog video!

So its been a few days since my last post . Its now three days til my appointment! Im getting more and more excited every day. Hmm lets see, I am on cycle day 86 . So annoying!!! I am definitely thinking that I have pcos more and more everyday! I started a vlog on youtube yesterday . Here is my web address: http://www.youtube.com/user/Doorhitterbeauti . It will be more detailed than this about trying to conceive and so if you don't wanna hear about bd'ing, cm, opks and all those details Id suggest you not watch it . For my ttc friends or those who are interested, Id love for you to subscribe!
Im trying to make a list of things to ask my doc on Tuesday so if anyone has any suggestions please let me know!! Okey Dokey well thats all for now!

Have a great weekend!!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What not to say to someone...

Who is dealing with infertility. I figured this would be a good thing to read for those who arent going through this. I feel that some people dont know what to say so they end up saying things that just arent helpful and can actually hurt. So, if your not dealing with infertility please read the following and try and remember this and Ill also include explanations as to why these arent helpful.

"Why dont you just consider adoption?"
This one is a big stinger for those going through infertility. Yes adoption may be down the road but the desire is so strong to have a biological child that this really does nothing but make us feel hopeless and actually this is one of the most hurtful things you can have said to you. Especially if you havent been trying for years. While some people might consider adoption sooner than a few years, most that I know want to wait a few years before considering that.

"It will happen, dont worry"
This one really is bothersome, because most of the time this cant really be said with accuracy. You dont know the medical reasons as to why we cant get pregnant and the fear that it will never happen is very real. Relaxing or going on vacation can help for some women, but again dealing with infertility its more than just stress that is factored in. Unfortunately we dont have the luxury of not worrying about it. With the blood tests, medications, shots, ultrasounds, charting, timed sex, etc...how can we not think about it? Our live's are lived in two week increments. We have no other choice but think about it.

"You can borrow mine(referring to your kids) to get your baby fix"
This can be well meaning, and to me its not the most offensive thing you could say. BUT, that wont do anything for our feelings on our own situation and in some cases it could actually hurt because it reminds us that everyone in the world has kids but us(thats not the case, but infertility can feel so lonely.)

"It seems like everyone is getting pregnant these days."
That is a big slap in the face, because it really makes us feel like the only person in the world who have this problem, and no offense but this is something you should keep to yourself. We dont really wanna hear how everyone and their dog can get pregnant while we sit here begging God every day to answer our prayers.

"Your young, you have time."
This one is a personal one that I hate lol, and Ill explain why. Just because we are young, doesnt mean things will magically get better the older we get. Waiting will do nothing but prolong the inevitable and make it even harder to get pregnant. Haven't you heard of the biological clock? Waiting will only make it harder if your already having problems.

"Maybe its not meant to be"
Yes, thanks for that. I dont wanna be rude, but this is definitely a no-no. If you wanna stay friends with the person, dont say this. Its a huge insult. Enough said.

"I heard on the radio that there's a website that tells you when you're fertile. All you do is put in when your period was"
This might be helpful to some people, but to those of us dealing with infertility its more than just timing it right. There are many different factors that go into getting pregnant. Many things that could be wrong. So generally this suggestion does nothing but annoy the person your talking to. We know your being helpful, but if it was just about timing, we would have been pregnant on the first try.

Also saying things like
"I would never do what you do to get pregnant"
"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant"
"Just have lots of sex"
"You know how this works right?"
OR above all
NEVER complain about being pregnant to us please. We would do anything to feel sick all day, gain weight, be exhuasted, etc. All it does is make us so mad we dont wanna talk or be around you.

And one more thing, if you get pregnant and know we are struggling with infertility please tell us on facebook, email, or something along those lines so we have time to grieve. Dont expect us to jump up and down for you, while we are happy for you...we need time.

Monday, July 5, 2010

What a weekend.....

Well my fourth of July weekend pretty much sucked. Saturday DAY was fun, but that night it got bad. I dont really wanna go into it, Ill just say Im still sick from some peoples actions(allergic reaction) and dont appreciate the fact that I was told to get over my allergies, when in fact thats not something you can get over. BUT on a different note, we spend all day in the pool on Saturday and it was alot of fun. Im STILL exhausted. Last night we camped out for the first time ever (for me) and it of course had to have a massive thunderstorm. Between the thunder, the hard ground, the lightening, the trains, and the peacocks I got hardly any sleep last night lol. And yes I said peacocks lol. The city fireworks were canceled last night, so we are gonna go tonight! Its convenient that we live so close to the place where they shoot them off. :) I have been so sick, but Im hoping I get better here soon. Im so excited for my appointment, yet so nervous. I have alot going on that will need to be discussed but Im eager to find out whats wrong with me. My mom's doctor seems to think that she has PCOS, which is what I thought was the case for me and her. So we shall see what happens!! We have started to make more plans for our baby and possibly planning on getting a place of our own next summer!! Im beyond excited!! It will be so nice to have privacy and a place to call our own. School for me starts next Thursday, Im so excited and so nervous for that as well!! LOL, so much to look forward to!! If this post is a little erratic and doesnt make alot of sense I apologize, I am beyond exhausted and not feeling so hot, but really wanted to update everyone on some things! Until next time.... :)
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