Wednesday, June 30, 2010

IM SO EXCITED!!

So a friend of mine sent me information on the Pope Paul VI Institute this morning. Its an infertility center that looks at it in a 'different' way and they can give you a sound explanation as to WHY you cant get pregnant. They have patients all over the world. Its pretty legit from what I can tell. Its in Omaha, so not too far from where I live. They have high success rates and are very reasonably priced. Im so excited I feel like crying. This could be our answer.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Well its been almost a week since I have last posted, sorry for that. Its been a busy week, the in-laws showed up unannounced and then I had alot to do around the house and job interviews. I dont really have much to say. Im trying really hard to not think about trying to conceive, or about kids, or anything like that. I am feeling somewhat nervous though because I feel like I always feel like Im walking around on eggshells with the fear that another person in our family will announce a pregnancy. I know that I know that God has it in His hands, and that HE knows best...but I just really wish I knew what was going to happen.
I think Im going to aim to organize my bedroom today, work out, and maybe even vacuum. :)
Last night we went and watched Grown Ups. It was pretty much HILARIOUS. I can only hope that one day we will have a family and be able to go rent a lake house like that with kids running around, friends and their kids, ahh its like the perfect vacation haha...One day...one day!
I talked to my doctor how much fertility treatments would be on our next round, and now I know that we wont be able to afford it for a LONG TIME. Our next cycle would be around $1100. That includes three blood tests and three to four ultrasounds and the medication. *sigh* If that didnt work, we would have to move to injections and maybe even IUI. So that ups it alot more, and by a alot Im talking like possibly another grand or two on TOP of the cost of the monitoring and not to mention I believe she said an IUI is like $550. So yeah, I pray it doesnt come to the fertility treatments but if it does, its going to be a long time before we can do them.
I am praying I get a job here soon so that I can start chipping away on our debt. We dont have "alot" but its a significant amount for US. Miles has been really busy at work, Its hard going from seeing him ALL the time to only seeing him nights and weekends. I have Honu and she does good keeping me company. She is the funniest dog alive. Seriously, dont try to argue with me because if you could be here and see her, you would agree. Everyone does.
Welp, til next time....

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Praise You God, even in the storm...

Im sitting here listening to worship music and my mind goes to the song "Ill Praise You In The Storm" by Casting Crowns. I LOVE that song. Its one of my favorite worship songs of all time. It truly is one of the most moving songs I have ever heard. Every single time I hear it I am reminded that we should always praise Him in the storm. He is there when we cry. When we feel forgotten, HE IS THERE.
Im a huge fan of just opening the bible and reading whatever is on that page, I always pray before hand that God will direct my hands to the scripture He wants me to read that day. He always leads me to something that really helps me with what Im dealing with. Sunday I felt that He was telling me to spend more time in worship and so I have made it a point to sit down and make sure I at least spend some time worshiping. I want to hear Him, I want to feel Him again. I want that fire I had, I want to be healed, but more than all that I want to worship Him no matter what. No matter if we are poor, or if we never become parents. He knows best, and I want to be Hot for Him. Not cold or lukewarm, but burning for my God.
Anyways this is the chapter I opened it to this morning. Psalm 147
1 Praise the LORD. [a]
How good it is to sing praises to our God,
how pleasant and fitting to praise him!
2 The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the exiles of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars
and calls them each by name.
5 Great is our Lord and mighty in power;
his understanding has no limit.
6 The LORD sustains the humble
but casts the wicked to the ground.
7 Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
make music to our God on the harp.
8 He covers the sky with clouds;
he supplies the earth with rain
and makes grass grow on the hills.
9 He provides food for the cattle
and for the young ravens when they call.
10 His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse,
nor his delight in the legs of a man;
11 the LORD delights in those who fear him,
who put their hope in his unfailing love.
12 Extol the LORD, O Jerusalem;
praise your God, O Zion,
13 for he strengthens the bars of your gates
and blesses your people within you.
14 He grants peace to your borders
and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.
15 He sends his command to the earth;
his word runs swiftly.
16 He spreads the snow like wool
and scatters the frost like ashes.
17 He hurls down his hail like pebbles.
Who can withstand his icy blast?
18 He sends his word and melts them;
he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.
19 He has revealed his word to Jacob,
his laws and decrees to Israel.
20 He has done this for no other nation;
they do not know his laws.
Praise the LORD.

To me this is pretty amazing, for the situation Im in at the time being. Verses 3-4 are pretty much my favorite in that whole chapter, even though I love the whole chapter. He names the stars! HOW AWESOME IS THAT, there are billions and he knows each one. He binds our wounds, heals our broken hearts. Lord heal my broken heart.

Monday, June 21, 2010

We wait on you Lord

Yesterday I was sitting in church, and I felt like God was telling me that I needed to get deeper in the Word and worship on my own. Not just in church. I felt a deep conviction about it. I made a decision to spend time every day in the word, and in worship. I mean thats what we are supposed to do as Christians, but Im sure Im not alone in saying that I definitely haven't been faithful in this area. After service I went to speak to my friend an amazing woman of God, Becky. I asked her for prayer, because I feel such a deep struggle with this baby thing. It is more than just a desire, it runs as deep as I can even describe. The pain of this runs so deep, its definitely the hardest thing God has ever called me to go through. She confirmed what I felt that God was telling me earlier in the service. So here I am, my blog will probably be mostly this for a few days. I want to journal through this time of worship and seeking God.
Have you ever noticed that some phrases hit you deeper than others? We sang a song yesterday and part of the lyrics were "You give and take away" and then I realized God is what gives us life, our families, our husbands, our friends, our babies. That phrase hit me so hard as I am remembering our miscarriage, God gives and He takes away. I can sit here and wonder all day long why, but in the end I am called to accept His will with love, faith, and hope. It can go as fast as it came. I have been saying I trust God with giving us our little one, but then I wonder if I really mean it. I mean like my friend said, I know it in my head, but has it made its way to my heart? I want it to be IN MY HEART. I want to mean it more than anything. I want to know in my heart that He has me. He has a plan, Lord I need to feel peace in Jesus Name.
Ephesians 3:14-21
14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,[a] 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

I claim this, I claim the strength to do what He has called me to do. Right now, the only thing Im sure of as far as my calling is concerned is to be an amazing wife to Miles, and to live my life for Him, and with the infertility group. The bible says in Luke 16:10-13
10"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. 11So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? 12And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?
13"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."

If God cant trust me to do the things He has called me to right now, then why would He trust me with a baby? Im not saying Im not working hard at doing His will, but if Im focusing more on what I don't have rather than blessing what I do then why would He give me more? Lord help me to give more to my husband, and to be all I can be in your will for the time being. He knows my desires, He knows the timing, He can heal me. He WILL heal me. I know it. Lord I THANK YOU for what you have done in my life so far, and I thank you for what you are going to do!!!!

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Please Pray for us

Well this weekend has been an interesting one. Last night I had the biggest breakdown I have experienced since trying to get pregnant. It was intense. Im going to spend the week in the word and in intense worship, because I feel like Im being attacked. I need a breakthrough in my mind and in my heart. I know God has our family plans in the palm of His hand, but last night I felt completely forgotten by God. Please pray for me and Miles, its getting harder and harder to just sit back and wait. I need some sort of sign that God is here, and that this area of our lives will be taken care of. I need something to reassure me of His plan and the peace to accept it. I need to be assured that we WILL have our own family one day, that I will make my husband a daddy.

Friday, June 18, 2010

warning negative post ahead....

Ok so I am trying so hard to be patient, persistent, and willing. But tonight, I am just a ball of tears. I seriously am so angry. I am SO SICK of this stupid diet. I feel like I can not enjoy summer at all. Walks on a hot summer day are normally treated with ice cream, mine is punished with bran. I cant go ANYWHERE without being bombarded by food. Good food at that. Im flat out miserable. I know I have lost 6lbs this week but I STILL cant seem to find anything related to this diet change to feel grateful for. I feel so sick, Im insanely dizzy CONSTANTLY, the food more than sucks, I cant go anywhere or do anything. I am really starting to regret my decision to try and lose weight. OH and while Im on this negative nellie train, let me add I HATE not being pregnant or not having a baby. If I hadnt of miscarried, I would freaking be about 12.5 weeks along today. I know it will come when its supposed to, but today I am just so FREAKING FED UP. I have NO idea why God wont give us a baby, but its just torture. I took a $tree test today and of course there was another freaking pink evap line to mess with my head. Lord knows Im not pregnant. I just took it cuz I have YET to have my period. I just wish SOMETHING would go my way. I feel like I have to fight for EVERYTHING. Not saying they arent worth fighting for, but really how many people choose this way to lose weight? I know its ok, Im not in any "danger"(I hope) but still, this is INSANE. I just feel completely hopeless and down about all of this. I need some prayers.

This will be worth it!

So I didnt update yesterday because I felt so sick yesterday. I woke up with a migraine, was so dizzy that I could barely walk, and puked up my breakfast. Needless to say, it started off rough. I was really busy yesterday, I got a new coffee table, got a mani/pedi, had a job interview, and connect group. It was a busy day for sure.

Last night I talked more to the head of our church small groups about the infertility group and today Im working on the first week discussion questions. I think this is going to be awesome. Its going to be a book study type thing on the book "Hannah's Hope". I cant wait. It starts the week of October 3rd I believe. Three weeks out of the month will be just the ladies, and then Im going to do a couples night once a month. I just felt that it will probably be best as ttc is a very personal thing and there are body parts, procedures, etc that we go through and I dont want anyone to feel awkward because someone else's husband is there. So the couples nights will be more based on how does this effect your marriage, and that sort of thing. I had my job interview and he said to be expecting a call about a second interview. I went to bed with a huge migraine. So physically yesterday sucked, but everything else was pretty much awesome.

I am so excited, I have lost 6lbs since Monday. The past two days I lost 2lbs each! I was shocked!! Now I have about 47lbs to go!! I am just gonna keep on trucking!! Yesterday my nutritionist said that he thinks I have a blood sugar problem, so he is letting me have mint tea! :D He also said the mint tea will help regulate me with my non-existent monthly cycle. I just am so excited to see what happens. This week the pollen levels here in town have been BAD, but I am happy to say that I have only used my meds one time this week and it was one does of eye drops because someone was mowing right next door. With how fast Im dropping the weight, Im thinking I am gonna have a limited wardrobe til I get to my target weight because I am refusing to buy ANYTHING til Im to my goal weight. That is going to be my "ultimate" reward, NEW CLOTHES !!!

Today I am going to be working the house, we might go down to south point tonight for the live music. Not sure yet. I really wanna go to the college world series, but we didnt get tickets(darn) Thats ok! I probably wont have the energy to go out and sit in the sun! Hope everyone has an awesome Friday!!

Oh and this is my awesome coffee table that I got for $15!!!
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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Day three picture

I have only lost 2lbs so we will make this the official "before" picture.
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HAHA, if you look at my feet, my dog is terrified of cameras. This is proof.

Two posts in one day?! WHAATTTT

Ok so this is my non-diet related post for today. It has been an awesome and horrible week all at the same time. My ex-BFF decided we were no longer friends and deleted me on facebook with no explanation. It was completely random and I am BEYOND hurt. Its the same friend I talked about last week about being happy for her and her finding out right after I had a false positive test. That happened on Sunday, I was shocked and quite honestly cried. I know I know, her loss right? It still hurts. Since she got pregnant things just havent been the same. She never told me anything about her life, I only got one word answers when I DID talk to her. Except one day, when we were looking at bedding online for her nursery(she lives four states away) that day she was very chatty, I missed it and after that day I was really hoping that our friendship was back. It wasnt. After that, she stopped talking to me again and I again got one word replies anytime I talked to her. Makes me REALLY sad, but I cant fix it so I dont know.. This isnt the first time its happened. I guess I should have saw it coming, unfortunately I like to believe that people are good at heart and generally care about others.

I am going to try and clean the house today, tomorrow Im meeting a friend for "coffee(im not drinking lol)" in the morning and at two Im gonna be having a job interview!! Its at Juicestop and the hours are exactly what I need, so praying it works out! BUT God knows best soo, if it doesnt work out I will know its not in his will!!
I figured out how to add pictures on here, so Im gonna upload a pic of my puppy. Aww ya, I know she is pretty much the cutest dog EVER.
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And of me and my hubby a few weeks ago for our anniversary!!
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Us on our anniversary, we went mini golfing and subconsciously got matching balls to our shirts haha!
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This is a good shot of my before. UGH lol, yeah Im glad Im losing it! Ill have Miles take a picture later of me today.
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Here is a picture of my 3.5 month old nephew..seriously!?
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So yeah now that I know how to upload pics, you guys will definitely be getting more to view :D I feel like I need a new project, I kind of want to start a nursery, but Miles wants me to wait..*sigh* lol I love decorating. hahaha, I looked at the requirements for an Interior Design and boy, I dont know if I will be able to do that here at this university. So I might wanna wait til we know where we will be after Miles gets his masters to make plans on a degree per say. Hmm, lets see what else can I talk about? I guess not too much right now. I might be back later or I might not, who knows? I am gonna go clean up the house for Miles! I am not sure how much I will be able to get done as I am short for energy these days, but Ill at least make an effort :)

Day 3

So, Its day three. I just finished my snack before lunch. I woke up late so my schedule is a bit off. I dont mind though. Today is the first day that I have gotten to eat something real. lol like eggs, or tuna. Im feeling a lot better today than I was Monday or Tuesday(days 1&2) THANK GOD. I NEEDED to feel better. I already look skinnier, I didnt lose any weight yesterday. But Im not swollen anymore and not bloated :) Its wonderful. I am so mad I didnt take a picture for a before shot. I mean i have lots of pictures that are from my before lol just none of the ones that you can compare look at me before shots! I am so excited to see the results and the health benefits that I will get from doing this!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Day 2

So day two. I feel good this morning. Last night was horrible. Seriously insanely bad. I was going to quit. I cheated a little bit and had some broccoli. It helped me sleep though lol, so it was worth it. I still lost 2 lbs yesterday!!!
I slept in this morning and it was lovely. I got my menu for the next four days and I started to panic because it said add one wasa cracker to breakfast. I was like really?! I cant escape from this food hell? But then I looked up and saw the attachment. It includes eggs, cabbage, tuna, salmon, arugala, cucumbers, and walnuts!! Thats so exciting for me LOL! Im so excited for tomorrow!!
I feel so much better today than I did yesterday, This is seriously the hardest thing I have ever pushed myself in.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Day 1

Well day one, and Im feeling really sucky. LOL. This really sucks. I have been able to maybe get down 1/2 cup of my salad and I have about 5 more bottles of lemon water to drink. The bran sucks. Its so gross. All of it. Im miserable. Angry. Sad. I miss food. Period.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Last Supper

Well here I am trying to decide on my "last supper" lol. I feel like it needs to be one heck of a meal....hmmm! Such pressure haha! Im leaning towards pasta, or indian food. Hubby wants pizza, I dont really want pizza. Well I do, but gosh this is hard! I need like three more dinners to get in all my favorites!! LOL I talked to the nutritionist and Im just so excited. This is gonna fix me! Im staying positive here, because if I dont...then Ill start to freak about losing my food haha....I love food so this is like a HUGE thing for me to do. But I know I need to do it, not only for myself but for our kids. By being a healthier me, Ill have a better home to have my baby. :)

A very precious girl

So today, I have had a wide array of emotions. Happiness, excitement, peace, fear, well you get the picture. Right now, my emotion is sadness. Im thinking of my friends Thomas and Savana. One week from today, they would be celebrating their wedding day. In February, Savana had a seizure at the wheel and was in a head-on collision with another car on her way to school. I will never forget driving home (to Nebraska) from Oklahoma and getting that phone call. It really makes you think about whats important to you. Always take time to treasure the small moments, day to day life. You never know when things can change. You dont know how long you have to live, everyone assumes they will die of old age...but well you just never know. I just wanna say, be prepared...know where you are going to go...I know Im gonna go to heaven. Are you? Thomas and Savana are the people who introduced me and my husband Miles. Without them....well I just wont go there lol. Miles always said he prayed for God to bring him "his savana". The reason being, Thomas loves Savana more than I have ever seen a man love a woman. I told Thomas that the night of her accident when she was in surgery. We cried. Me, Thomas, and Miles. I know God is doing an amazing work through her and I can NOT WAIT for the testimony that this very precious girl will give one day. We love you Savana!!!
http://journalstar.com/news/local/article_408effaa-7693-11df-b7db-001cc4c002e0.html

Friday, June 11, 2010

Today is an awesome day!

Ok so he asked a million questions LOL and at the end of it all he said that he can fix almost all of it haha. HE said that it sounds like I have ALOT of toxins in my body and between that and my weight thats why Im so sick. He said that as far as the fertility goes he doesnt know that he can fix it. It *could* be fixed BUT he cant guarantee it. HE thinks its a hormonal imbalance. He said that the pains between my shoulder blades isnt related to my back, its my kidney. WOAH. I was shocked. I have a bad kidney and so that KINDA scares me...but yeah. He said that he is going to change my life. I cant believe that in one month or so I will be back to a size 6!! The first two days are about changing the way my body responds to food. Then the next three are about pain relief or something. He said that my body has been storing all the sugar as fat and thats why I have gotten so big. He doesnt think its a thyroid problem. So this will retrain how my body responds to the food. And so I will probably have headaches at first and feel really tired. But then once my body realizes its not getting any more sugar its going to start using my fat for energy! YAYAYAYAY! LOL. I seriously CANT WAIT!!!
OH and I got an email from my church about the infertility support group. My pastor LOVES the idea. I have to come up with a curriculum for the fall semester for them to look at! :D I actually feel like my life has meaning!! YAY! Things are going great. We have lows and highs...and right now feels like a high. God is always faithful. He leads us in the ways we should go. I am so glad I let God lead me in my life :D Its great.

Its coming!

So I got an email from the nutritionist's assistant. I will call him tonight and then I am starting!! YAY! Im so nervous, but so excited to get started. I know the first week will be the hardest for sure. I warned Miles that I might get cranky, Im gonna try really hard not to, but I know that when Im hungry I get SUPER cranky. I cant help it, sometimes I don't even notice it until Miles asks "have you eaten yet?" then Im like haha ok sorry, and I get something to eat and then Im better. Last night he had me laughing so hard I was crying because he was mimicking me and my "fits"...sad thing is...he was DEAD ON, my voice inflections, my words, my reactions everything. I should film him doing it, SO FUNNY. I think today I am going to dye my hair, probably a light brunette color. I want to get a pedicure also, I might wait til next week sometime while Miles is at work. I LOVE getting pedicures, I had one right before our wedding and oh my word, amazing. I dont have much to write about this morning other than Im super excited to start my diet change. Ill update later once I know more about when exactly I will be starting and details! YAY!

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Today was a big day!

Well today I sent in my stuff to the nutritionist. Im so excited to get started. It will be life changing for sure!!
I also registered for classes and am now a fulltime student! I am starting in July and cant wait!! Now if I could just get a job...HMMMM lol AND a baby...hehehe but in the mean time this should keep me busy enough to be able to not focus so much on the what ifs and the desires that I am so struggling with. My friend made this, I love it :)
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I emailed my church about starting an infertility support group. I sure hope it goes through, it would be nice to meet with others in a biblical based type support through this struggle. I KNOW there have to be others...I am starting to feel really proactive with my life. I will probably be doing pictures every few days to show you the difference with my weight loss. Im stoked! I am thinking of signing up for the Y. I Really wanna tone up while Im losing, because I know I will lose it quickly.
We discovered today that my dog is terrified of the camera. She literally starts shaking and freaks out. Its really odd.
It JUST started too...hmmmm
WELL thats all I got right now, I reinjured my neck today and I am in alot of pain, so Im going to go to bed now! LOL nighty night yall!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Is it possible...

To be happy for someone else and so sad for yourself at the same time? I have two very VERY close friends who are getting ready to deliver their babies. I can remember them finding out and the months have just flown by. I can remember getting a pregnancy test, it had a line...I was always told a line is a line. To me it was a positive. I was terrified, but so incredibly happy. In my mind we had conceived. Just as I was getting used to the idea, I got my period. Two days later, she got her positive pregnancy test. I was so incredibly happy for her, she will be an awesome mommy...but why did it kill me to see those two pink lines she had sent me? She is getting ready to have her baby, a beautiful baby girl. I cant help but wonder, why cant that be me. Not that Im upset or jealous or anything like that. I had my moments in the beginning, but now I can honestly say I cant wait to hear the news of her precious baby being brought into this world. But then I question, why on earth do I still want to cry at the thought that if that test had been truly a positive test, Id be ready to pop too. This desire is getting stronger every single day, some days I can be more positive and just KNOW it will happen...and others, well others I just stop and wonder....why. The pain is sometimes unbearable; I will cry, get angry, shout, pray. The phrase: "life isnt fair" is so true. Its not fair that I cant get pregnant. Some may say there are reasons, but I cant help but then question WHY do things have to be to where it wouldnt be good to be pregnant "THATS NOT FAIR" I think. Things always seem to just "not go my way". I have had so many friends in the past 10 months get pregnant. Like an insane amount. Its been so incredibly insane that I have had OTHER people come to ME and tell me "there have been a lot of your closest friends get pregnant." It kills me inside every time I hear of another friend on facebook announcing their pregnancy. Yet again, another person I have to say "congratulations, your going to be a great mommy" to. Its a horrible cycle. I have had at least 4 friends announce their pregnancy this month alone. Its CRAZY. How is it everyone and their cousin can get pregnant and not me. Why does God NOT let my body work. AT ALL. I dont understand. I really dont.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

We're Back!

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. We were moving back to Lincoln and getting things settled. Its been a busy few days for sure. I have been trying not to stress, getting your medical records are apparently not as easy as walking in and just asking for them. Who knew? So I have my medical records from two of the four places I need them from before I can send them to the nutritionist. ARGH, I hate waiting...lol. I am so ready to get started, the sooner I get started the sooner I can feel productive in not only trying for a baby, but getting healthy, and losing weight. I am on the job hunt, if you could see me right now I would be sighing. I hate job hunting, but after reviewing our month of mail I have determined we are in slightly more debt than suspected. We will be ok, but I just would feel better contributing to getting out of debt. I feel bad for spending the money we are going to be spending on the nutritionist but Miles insists that it will be worth it and in the end we wont regret this choice. I am going to trust him on this, I am scared out of my mind that this wont work...even though I have personally seen the results. I am a worry wort by nature. I decided to cancel my fertility appointment for Mid July. I am giving the diet change a chance first. Again, Im scared out of my mind. I feel like Im putting all of my hopes and dreams into this nutritionists plan...Im trusting him to get me skinny, healthy, and pregnant. I know it will fix alot of my health problems, the IBS, my allergies, my weight.....Im just praying to God it helps my body work in the area of reproducing...Dear Lord PLEASE LET THIS HELP!!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

A sigh of relief

So, yesterday I let you all in my little panic attack. Im still feeling a nervous about the fact that the RE costs so much, but I talked to a friend and they said that most of it is covered for them if you are going for a medical reason other than fertility. I know there is a reason, we just havent found it yet. Im still trying to have faith that the nutritionist will help me get pregnant.

So Im making the plan for this week, I am going to have a VERY busy week!! Today (Sat) we have our(his) cousins wedding, Miles and Reed are very close so Im very excited for him and MK!! MK is pretty much awesome and will be a good wife for Reed! It should be a good time. We are making the five hour trip back home either tomorrow or Monday, not sure yet. I hope its tomorrow because I have lots I wanna do on monday!!! I have to go to my four different doctors and get my medical records from them to send to the nutritionist. I need to go see my chiropractor(YAY!!) I also need to go take a math placement test for the community college Im attending! All of this HAS to be done on Monday lol!
The sooner I get my medical records in the sooner Ill be able to start my diet change. I for one, cannot wait!! I am very excited and eager to get started!! It will be incredibly difficult but OH SO WORTH IT!! Its going to be intense. But every bite I take, every time I wanna complain about not getting potatoes, or bread, or soda, etc Im going to think about my baby, and thank God I have the chance to get healthy for them. I will get my baby, I know it...I am going to try really hard to stay busy in the mean time. We joined a small group in our church with young married couples, Im very excited to get to know them! Im thinking with getting a part time job, the small group, the diet change, working out, and then school, Ill be able to pass the time and stay sane during this wait.

Friday, June 4, 2010

panic attack

I am sitting here, in tears, wondering how we will be able to afford all the things that I am seemingly needing to get pregnant. We will be paying about $700 on this nutritionist and if that doesnt work...I scheduled an appointment with an RE for July 13th. Its gonna cost $375 out of pocket JUST for the appointment. Not including any tests, or procedures, or meds, or anything. YIKES! Why cant my body JUST WORK. I am praying to God that this diet change is what I need. I feel so guilty that I have to go through all this money to get pregnant. I wish it would work the "natural" way. Im going to check with our insurance company to see if they will cover even part of the appointment...but I doubt it. But then again they did cover most of our ultrasounds and bloodwork through my doc..so maybe just maybe I can have a little glimmer of hope that it will be ok. Miles is convinced I will get pregnant with this diet change...I pray to God he is right.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The thought of infertility...

The thought of infertility scares me. Im utterly terrified of never having a baby. We have done what feels like so much so far, and the fact that my body doesn't work at all....its heartbreaking. Every time my husband says he wants a baby, or just the look in his eye when I see him see other's children....its heartbreaking. I am trying to look at the positive of things. The fact we get more time together, I get to get healthier/skinnier, we can make more money first...the list is endless. There is always something that you can accomplish before kids. If we waited for the perfect time, well there never would be that "perfect time". Something would always come up, its how life works. I question why God chose ME to have infertility.
Infertility effects about 12% of those who are of childbearing age. Why would He pick THOSE 12%? I honestly DONT KNOW. I have been reading the book Hannah's Hope and last night I read this statement and honestly it took me aback: "The Lord gifts people in many different ways. He has chosen to give me infertility." I was somewhat offended by it to be honest, I had NO idea how to react to that. Why on earth would a LOVING God give me the GIFT of infertility?! I DONT UNDERSTAND. It really burned into my soul. Maybe something is going to happen that if I was pregnant RIGHT now, it would be really bad for my health OR life. Or maybe, through my journey He wants to reach someone else through me. I have said this before, but I would go through ANYTHING if it meant Him reaching someone else through ME. Like wow, He chose ME to be used in that way. With something as personal as infertility. I have not felt the desire or need to keep it a secret. I have felt embarrassed, broken, and insanely crazed with this journey so far. But keeping it inside will just hide the work He is doing. Im not saying every infertile person needs to be open with their struggle...but I find it freeing and somewhat comforting. Sure I get criticized, I get mocked. People dont understand unless they have been there. There is NO way to understand the pain of not being able to have a child, or losing one. No matter how early they do.
If life was easy then WHY have faith. If life was easy then what would be the point? There are lows and there are highs, our focus HAS to be on God...because if we lose that..then we lose the hope that we WILL be parents. HE WILL BE FAITHFUL. I have been standing on this verse: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I just know that He will let me be a mommy one day, yes I hope its soon...but if its not then I know there is a very important reason and Im learning to have faith in Him no matter what.
So this morning Im at the inlaws house(we are here til after Miles' cousins wedding on Saturday) alone, while its storming like crazy outside. Miles went with his dad to go help brand cattle, but now they are having to wait out the storm before letting the cattle back out so they can come home. The lightening alone is really scary, speaking of lightening. The other day as we were driving during a storm down the highway, the right side of my body felt really odd. Tingly but in a more intense way. RIGHT after me telling Miles about it, lightening struck behind us. Talk about scary. I have never experienced almost getting struck by lightening before.

Im getting pretty pumped to start the nutritionist! I seriously cant wait. The sooner I get started the sooner things are going to be pretty much awesome. Im nervous about the actual plan he will have me on, but you know what? Im ready for it. By the end of the summer Im going to healthy and hot! :) Ok Im done for the morning. I took some benadryl this morning to help with my allergies and a nap is calling my name...
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