Friday, December 31, 2010

Bringing in the New Year with a snowstorm!

Well the title pretty much says it all! Its snowy, windy, and REALLY COLD. I think my FIL said its a wind chill of -20!
I cant get very good pictures, so this is the best I could do from the window!


Here is a really cool pic of how the window looks, but the snow isnt that deep!

So now we are just staying put for the day and ringing in the New Year with the inlaws. I was hoping to spend the night in Denver, but not willing to trek out in a snow storm to do so! haha

I hope everyone has a fun and safe New Years and that this year brings in new hope for everyone! :)

This was added later, I just had to share this pic! The snow drift from today!!

Monday, December 27, 2010

As the new year approaches

I am trying so hard to end this year right. With positivity and no tears.

I am amazed that so far I haven't broken down into tears thus far(unless you count the time a few minutes ago after reading the status "the baby is on its way!" on facebook). Its been kind of hard to remain positive when my heart still feels so broken.


To ensure not to have much time for wallowing. I have poured myself into helping the inl-aws around the house, playing games, and reading.

If your related to hubs, now would be the time to stop reading..that means you grandma Ford, yes I found out you read my blog!!! :)

The book that I have read is called "Intimacy Ignited" and it was flipping amazing. I highly suggest it for anyone who is married! Its on the book Song of Solomon in the bible and it really helped reignite my burn and passion for our love life.

After the rough month we had I will be the first to admit that our love life definitely suffered. My drive was gone. I had no desire and honestly I've never felt that. I wont lie, my drive is like a teenage boy! Its crazy, so not having any was honestly freaking me out. But after reading that book, I am happy to report we are back to where we were if not farther and we are both LOVING IT!

Im thinking of going back through the book and blogging about it on a specific day of the week. Maybe Wednesdays? Im not sure yet haha, but its so good I just have to share!! :)

Some great news!!

So me and the hubs were talking about my blog and guess what?! I want to do a giveaway! So my goal is once we reach 75 followers I will be holding my first giveaway!! If you have any ideas of what the prize can be let me know! :)

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas All!

First off Merry Christmas!! Hope everyone is having a fantastic day!

I for one am having a great holiday, better than I expected to be honest. Last night, I got some one on one time with the hubs, and it was amazing. I love that man more than life itself. Im blessed to have him as my husband.

Today we woke up and opened presents! We only did a couple.


and then we went ice skating on the home made swimming pond.


Now most of the extended family have arrived and we are waiting for dinner to be ready. We wont be doing our family Christmas til the 30th, but it will be nice to just hang and enjoy good food.

From hubs the two things that I got that I love was a mario game that has all the super mario games ever made. I LOVE MARIO.


So I definitely loved that present! I also have been asking for a fleece zip up and he got the exact one I wanted!


I feel blessed. We haven't opened any presents from any of the family as we are waiting for my brother and sister-in-law. So Im definitely hoping for a few more goodies haha! Because I do love presents!

But none of the presents that were opened (the few we have opened lol) were as unique as what my brother in law received "from Santa" It was a pig. Yep you read that right, a PIG. I for one, hate snot and slobber so its gross. Hahaha


I am trying to make it a point to not wallow in my sorrow, but thank God for the blessings I do have and look forward to a new year with new hope. I want to make this a Christmas to remember, because who knows..maybe it is the last Christmas we will have just us two?!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

When I stopped believing

Yesterday me and my husband were talking about whether or not we will do "Santa" with our kids. Both of our parents did it with us, but my parents didn't do it with my youngest sister(Im 13 years older). They believed that it was a lie, and they didn't want do that to her. I totally understand that viewpoint. And because of that, we have thought long and hard about this.

I asked him how he found out that Santa wasn't real, and he said he just kind of figured it out when he was 8 or 9. Was he traumatized? No. Did he feel betrayed? No.

He asked me how I found out about it, and I told him I found out when I was 4 or 5. I remember going to school on St Patricks day, and when we were at lunch when the "leprechauns" visited our classroom and there were tiny green footprints all over our classroom! I was so excited!! When I went home, I seriously couldn't believe that there were leprechauns! Of course thats when my mom started to feel guilty, and spilled the beans about all the childhood icons. She went through the list and told me, "There is no such thing as leprechauns, the easter bunny, tooth fairy, or Santa." She said she just felt so guilty.

Well the joke was on them, because that next Christmas I looked out the window and I kid you not. Santa was across the street on the neighbors roof!! I freaked! That happened to be the Christmas that the church blessed our family (who couldn't afford a Christmas) with a huge amount of gifts. I have never seen so many presents in my life! My parents kept telling me that it wasn't Santa, it was some parent dressed up. But I spent that Christmas with a little bit of hope that Santa was indeed real. I am not sure if I ended up believing my parents, or just figured out. But I decided that finding out Santa wasn't real wasn't too traumatizing not to do this with my kids. And I can't wait.

What about you? What is your view on that? Do you plan on "doing Santa" with your kids?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Preparing for the Holidays

Its been an especially difficult month, as you read in this previous post dealing with everything that happened the week of Thanksgiving and my birthday.

One of hub's cousins and his brother has gotten married in the past year, and another is engaged. With that, I have been trying really hard to prepare myself just incase, I mean the holidays are the perfect time to announce a pregnancy right? Thats what I thought. And I just keep expecting just that.

Honestly, Im terrified of it. Like, I have no idea how I will react. And that in itself scares me. I mean, I am not the best person at pretending to be ok. I kind of wear my feelings where everyone can see them. I can't help it.

If someone announces it, there is absolutely no way I would be able to put a smile on my face and say congratulations. I guarantee that I will burst into tears. And Im embarrassed to think about it! I plan on at least trying to be ok, but with how fragile I feel right now, there are no guarantees.

I can honestly say, I really thought we would be pregnant by this Christmas. Deep down, I just knew. And we were, but I wasnt expecting that we wouldn't stay pregnant.

To top it off, today is the due date of our first early loss... and my sisters 10th birthday. We were planning to spend this part of the week with her and the rest of my family in Colorado, but of course because I havent had enough crappy stuff to deal with this month, I got dry socket after getting my wisdom teeth pulled on the 9th. So we are stuck at home til after the 1st (because we have commitments with the inlaws til the 2nd). So the hubs is working the rest of the week, which I know he isnt too thrilled about, but its necessary so we can go the first week of January to see my family.

I am just trying to focus on the good, and pray to God to make it through the holidays with the least amount of tears as possible. Definitely praying for every infertile woman this Christmas season. Our hearts are broken, our wombs are empty, but we will make it through this! One day we will be on "the other side", one way or another.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Welcome to ICLW!!

Im so glad to have joined you ladies this week :) This is my first time joining in!

First off to introduce myself.
My name is Ashley and I have an amazing husband names Miles. We have one furbaby, Honu. That means sea turtle in hawaiian :)

We met almost 2.5 years ago, and have been married for just over a year and a half. Our relationship moved very quickly, so we weren't too surprised when we decided to start trying for our first baby just 3 months in.

I started charting my cycles and quickly realized with the absence of my period that I wasn't ovulating. So after practically harassing my doctor for about 4 months (who was convinced that I was just reacting to getting off the birth control), she did an ultrasound and said everything looked perfect and said that I just needed to wait. After that I just knew it was more than just getting off of birth control, so I sought out another doctor in town and they ran some blood tests and put me on Clomid. The rest is history, which is in my side bar :) I wouldn't want to bore you with all the details of the past year. Essentially now we are on a forced break as my most recent doctor is pretty convinced I have endometriosis, which is causing an LPD and an ovulation disorder.

Over Thanksgiving we suffered our second early loss of the year, a week before my 23rd birthday. Im still processing that, as right after we lost it, we were informed that our chances of getting/staying pregnant was slim to none without surgery. Its been an emotional month. Im pursuing counseling through our church for after the holidays, because I honestly don't know if I know how to process all of this.

Now, since we are on this forced break waiting for surgery, Im trying to process everything that has happened and face the fears and reality of the diagnosis of endometriosis. We are aiming for surgery in March, because I dont want to risk further damage if endo is indeed my issue.

As a teenager, my periods were always super long. I mean we are talking months long, and so heavy I dare say at times I was hemorrhaging. I even passed out once from blood loss, talk about scary! And the cramps, oh man...sometimes they were so bad that I would literally lay in the floor in the fetal position just begging my parents to take me to the doctor. They were convinced I was just being dramatic. It wasnt til I passed out that my mother finally realized there was something wrong, but the doctor dismissed it as something "some women go through". When I moved out, I got onto birth control, which really helped everything period wise. Except I felt crazy and gained a crazy amount of weight on it, so I got off a few times. But it never failed, I would always would get back on it. Until we decided to ttc that is. Needless to say, with my history I always had a feeling it would be hard to get pregnant, but never knew it would be THIS hard. Since getting off of birth control in August of '09, I havent had one period on my own. All have had to be medically induced, went from one extreme to another.

Whew thats alot to read and I do apologize!! Thanks for stopping by! :) Looking forward to a great week!

Monday, December 20, 2010

A God sent friend

Tonight, I got to talk to my friend Jessie for the first time on the phone for months. She is the one who her precious baby passed away about a month and a half ago due to T18. You can find her blog here.

Im sitting here drinking my mint tea, listening to Christmas music and thinking about that heartfelt conversation I had with her. She told about the book she is reading, and it touched on the story of Lazarus(found in John 11:1-45). Essentially it talked about how when Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, He didn't run straight to him. He knew the miracle that was about to be. It says in Luke 11:3 "Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't say Lazarus, they specified "the one he loved". I mean God loves us all, but I do believe there was a special relationship there. I believe that this was His friend. It goes on to say in verse 4, When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

Right there He says this sickness in not unto death. Wow, that to me is powerful. Because as we have read, Lazarus does die. Jesus purposely waits 2 days to pass before going to him. As my friend stated, " He knew of the miracle to come". I mean come on, Lazarus had to die for Christ's plan to be followed out. God used him, in his pain to show the Glory that is Christ.

Another thing my friend pointed out was that as they were going to Lazarus in verse 35 (yes it is the shortest verse in the bible) that Jesus wept.. But as she went on to tell me "it wasn't because He was sad, He knew the hearts of those He loved were hurting. He knew of the miracle that was to come, yet His heart hurt for those who were hurting."
Just sit there for a moment and let that sink in.

Are you back? Did you just get chills? Because I did. Actually when I heard her say that. I flat out started to sob.
It goes on to tell us that Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead and people saw and believed in Him. I have always said that if I have to go through infertility, then to God be the glory. Let Him use me as He has planned.

I have to confess. The past month I haven't felt that way. I've been bitter and just flat out angry at God. I haven't wanted to go to church, or even pray for that matter. I actually got scared because I will honestly tell you, out of everything I have been through in my life. I have never felt like this with God before. My faith has never waivered, but recently I've been struggling. I say this because as of tonight, I am claiming my faith back. I will not let the devil take from me that is supposed to be God's. I will continue to believe that we will have our baby. In His timing. I do not know what will be His timing, but I honestly don't believe that He would give me this desire, without providing a way for me to be a mommy.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

It only took us three weeks and we found out on the fourth...

Thats what my best friend said to me tonight. I mean I love her, but sometimes she can be so clueless with whats ok to say to me. Granted I understand its hard to know what to say when you have never been in these shoes, but it hurt me so bad to hear that. Another friend announced her pregnancy to me, its not doctor official yet. It stung so badly. She has only been trying for #2 for a couple months....and better yet she is due only a few days after I would have been if I didnt miscarry :(

Im trying so hard to be ok, to just ignore all the fertiles around me. But how do you do that, when literally almost every single friend I have has either just had a baby in the past year or is pregnant. So many different situations, yet they surround me.

I feel like someone who is drowning. With no escape. The water just keeps on coming and its slowly filling my lungs and Im on the verge of suffocation. They are all great moms, and I would never want it any differently for any of them. I just wonder why on earth God chose me when I have already been through so much.

Bad things just keep on coming, I found out I have dry socket. Which is causing us to cancel Christmas with my parents, so now we have to postpone our trip to Colorado for after the New Year instead of leaving tomorrow. I was really looking forward to our vacation and now not so much, Im hoping my attitude will change and my heart is just aching right now. Im trying to look at it as, maybe if we did leave tomorrow we would die in a car wreck and this is Gods way of saving us so as to not get really upset.

I did get some good news today, even though it has been a struggle to focus on school with everything that has been going on...I got a B in Spanish. Yep, Im pretty proud of myself.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Decisions, decisions, decisions

The more I look into all of our options, the more nervous I start to feel about the magnitude of what we may be facing with my health and fertility.

If indeed I do have Endo (which to be honest I believe whole heartedly I do) the risks of the disease, and how it effects not only your health but fertility.

I have a dear friend who progressed very quickly, in February she had one spot, by june it had progressed to I believe it was level III and she is about to lose a tube due to the damage it has caused. That freaks me out to be honest.

Our stories are so similar, what if my tubes are destroyed? What if my ovaries have been severely damaged by this disease? What if unbeknownst to us, our only chances are through IVF?

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be facing the things I am right now. I have started to look into different choices in this journey that I never thought I would have to face. IVF vs Adoption. Hmm, the choice is so personal, so hard to make.

I know I really shouldn't worry about any of this yet, as we don't even have confirmation yet. Unfortunately I am one of those people who cant help but worry.

Last night I asked hubs a "would you rather". I proceeded to ask him if we were given $20,000 to use to build our family, would he rather spend it on IVF or adoption. Of course he said IVF, which normally wouldn't disappoint me. For some reason it did disappoint me. I would wanna do adoption.

I've never had the heart for adoption before. I never thought it would apply to me. I know the hubs wants to do everything in our power to have biological kids, and Im really not opposed to that and more than likely that is something we will pursue before adoption. But I have a feeling this is a choice we will have to make. All I know is, I am ready for a baby to love. Whether that baby comes from my womb or is placed in my arms.

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Christmas plans do you have?

Ok so we have a VERY busy 3 weeks ahead of us :) Just to let you in on a little peek of our life (not that you dont get that already haha) I will tell you all about our plans for Christmas vacation. Well first I wanna tell you about my upcoming week! First off its finals week, BLECK! I mean talk about being busy. I go to a college where there are terms not semesters, so everything is condensed. So this week I have a math final, a Spanish chapter test tomorrow, Wednesday I have my Spanish final, and Thursday I have my Final Spanish interview. Whew! Its going to be alot of work, but I think I will survive! I just need to focus on my treat at the end of the week! :)
On Friday we begin our lovely vacation by driving to Denver. We will be spending four days just relaxing and having a blast with Miles cousins and friends I have yet to meet up with or old friends from school. It will be pure bliss I tell ya!
Sat night his cousins are throwing what I expect to be a splendid Christmas party and I cant wait. (On a side note, does anyone know how to break a puppy from humping her toys?)
Saturday my friend Melissa is going to pick me up and we are going to go to the awesome 16th street mall downtown. Not gonna lie, PRETTY EXCITED :) She is one of my closest friends and the best part is she knows exactly how it is to go through IF, so it will be SUCH A RELIEF to finally be able to talk to someone in real life about everything! Im sure she feels the same :) We actually met online at my favorite forum
Im hoping to meet up with my friend Jessie on Sunday for some ice skating and just pure girly fun. She just lost her son to T18 (Rest in peace sweet Aiden) and I cant wait to just give her a big hug! Still need to finalize those plans, but I just cant wait!! We will be able to enjoy Denver til Tuesday morning when we head to my parents place in Grand Lake, Co. I cant wait to just spend time with the fam and enjoy every moment of our family's Christmas traditions. Hubs' family does Christmas on Christmas Eve (which I think is just wrong) and my family does it the right way: one present on Christmas eve, and the rest on Christmas morning! :)
On the 26th we will be heading to the inlaws in Valentine, Ne
We will actually have the house to ourselves for a few days which will be nice, time to unwind and just spend some time together as the inlaws will be at my BIL's holiday tourney. I honestly cant wait for some alone time with the hubs.
After that, we will head to our cousins house to see it for the first time since they moved in!! Then head to Miles' grandparents house where we will be spending the next couple of days with the extended family for the big family Christmas. The biggest downer about that, NO CELLPHONE SERVICE...thats right, you read that right. None. I honestly dont know how I will survive *insert wink*
Once again we will drive back to his parents house for their Christmas on the 1st. And then once again we will be on the road on the 2nd to get home before hubs goes back to work on the 3rd! *whew* its going to be a very long trip, but I am praying its refreshing enough to get me through my next term of school before we head down to texas *tentatively* for spring break!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why oh why do I do this to myself?

So the past couple of weeks I have just been kinda numb and angry, but in a way I think I am stuffing it down so as not to express it to others. I am currently waiting til after the new year to pursue counseling as we are just too busy now as it is. Im sitting here, avoiding homework even though finals are this week I just dont feel up to studying physically OR emotionally. So since Im so bored, I logged onto my favorite forum, and went to stalk the July DD boards. The boards that I was a member of for ~oh so short period of time~ :( Its so hard, and I have no idea why I just did that to myself. Why do I feel it necessary to torture myself like that? Or better yet, go to all of my preggo friends on facebooks walls and just read every pregnancy update they have. AM I CRAZY!? Yes, I have concluded I AM crazy. We have finally resigned ourselves to the fact that it will be another 2 years before we are holding our precious miracle in our arms. Quite honestly, that scares the sh#t out of me. I will be 25 at that time. Ya know I always said I wanna be done with kids by the time Im 30, but now Im not so sure that will happen..we are both members of larger families(4 siblings in each) and want a large family of our own. Not sure if that will happen now or not, but honestly Im praying that it does. I guess the knowledge of how hard next week will be is really starting to get to me. I really need a vacation, but this vacation will be filled with nothing but the what ifs and the should haves. The only thing that could possibly help next week be ok is if we found out we were pregnant, but I dont see that happening

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wisdom teeth Thursday!

Well today was the day that I got my wisdom teeth removed, thankfully I only had to get 2 out of the 3 remaining ones pulled. The top one came out relatively easily, seriously came out in less than 30 seconds! After that, the bottom one...well lets just say apparently it was impacted/completely bone in, so that one came out in 14 pieces and took an over hour to pull :( My face is so numb, but thats ok because in the past they have always worn off halfway during any procedure and that is NO FUN AT ALL!! Im just praying that I dont get dry socket and that everything heals up quickly so that Im ok by Christmas!!!

So ok I got a positive OPK(if you go by the rule that if part of the line is as dark).. YESTERDAY!!! :) Its not as dark as some peoples, but since then my opks have gotten significantly lighter...so Im taking it and running with it! We dtd last night and as long as Im feeling ok we will again later tonight, and continue til my temps confirm O....Of course if I O tomorrow, af will be due Christmas Eve....will make for either a SUCKY Christmas, or a Christmas sent from God lol...we shall see I guess...First my body has to let go of that eggie!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

An article that my husband left for me

Ok so I just need to brag for a moment before I get into the nitty-gritty of this post. He is absolutely the BEST supportive husband a gal could ask for! This morning when I woke up, he said he had found two really good articles on infertility: IVF vs Adoption..now I dont know about you, but when my husband is so interested it just makes me feel somewhat validated in my thoughts and maybe even obsessions. For him to willy nilly leave me articles to read, I just really appreciate that.

Ok bragging over :)

So the first article I read was written two days ago on the choice of IVF vs Adoption and it went on to say pretty much that its better for everyone if you just adopt. One thing that struck a chord with me was that she focused on how its our responsibility to save the planet and just everything she said, made sense in a way....but at the same time, it didnt. She is obviously one of those people who believe in the phrase "why dont you just adopt". Now before I go on a tangent about how mad this article made me, I had to ask my husband "Are you saying we should adopt?" The main reason is because in his job, he is very environmental conscious and I wasnt sure if this lady had convinced him that adoption would be better for us. I hadnt read the next article that was written in response to it.

The next article was written by Julie Robichaux of A Little Pregnant. Why 'just adopt' is not the answer. Honestly, I LOVED her response. She went on to point out that if its such a planet saving move to just adopt, then fertiles have just as much responsibility as infertiles to take that on. Just because we cant have kids, doesnt mean that we are automatically volunteered to adopt. Now before I go any further, I used to never be open to adoption and that is slowly changing. If push came to shove, I do believe we will adopt. I also believe as being adopted myself that I would love to have every chance in the world to have biological kids.

I cant figure out how to add links, so if anyone knows how please let me know! :) Id love to share the articles with you directly!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

So I wont bombard you with a bunch of pics of opks over the next few days :) Ill be sure and post my positive, but til then you will just have to believe me when I say ITS GETTING DARKER!!!! Of course Il be most likely all doped up on Vicadin when Im Oing....but at this point Ill take it because I havent had a normal cycle since I was 15! Maybe I will just tell him to have his way with me haha! :) Ok enough of that!
The past few days I have felt like we are newlyweds again! Its been amazing to just spend time together and enjoy each other with ZERO pressure. I love that man so much, he is going to be an incredible daddy...he is already an incredible husband, son, and brother. I am beyond blessed to have him.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Wow well that was a surprise

So today is cd 10...and I decided to take an opk(ovulation predictor kit) and it is pretty dark!! Its not positive, but since I have diagnosed "low lh" I dont get darker lines off of meds! Could this be the beginning of FINALLY ovulating on my own??? PS if you click the pic it gets bigger!! :)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

As I promised :)

A few of you ladies have been asking for pictures of our Christmas decor....well now that its finally complete I have uploaded a few pics for your pure enjoyment! :)

Front door

Entry way

Fireplace

Letting a little creativity flow

More creativity

Christmas tree with fire place

One of my lil Christmas villages

Santa and another lil Christmas village

Closeup of said village!

Some of my favorite ornaments!


Wow what a weekend

Ok so Im sure alot of you are familiar with the side effect from Clomid known as RAGE. Well I think on Friday I had that, but from a Clomid withdrawal. I seriously havent been as angry as I was in a very long time, maybe it was all the pent up feelings from the previous weeks just getting out Im not sure. All I know is it made my birthday miserable. We ended up pretending that my birthday was part of yesterday so that we could make some good memories out of it. Our house is finally all decorated so I will try and make another post of our holiday decor :)
The past few weeks have really taken a toll on me. School ends in 1.5 weeks and I couldn't be more excited for a break. I just need to have NOTHING to think about.
We talked yesterday and it looks like since we are facing surgery, that our break may be more than a year long :( Unless something breaks through and we get the funds we may have to wait til January 2012 before we can continue with surgery and then treatments.
My wisdom tooth on my bottom left has been really bothering me so I am scheduled to get that(and the others) pulled on Thursday afternoon. I will have to skip class on Friday but it will be ok. Im pretty sure Ill still pass the class with a B.
I think thats all for now, Im feeling somewhat better about everything that has happened..still sad when I see and hear about all the new babies...but one day that will be me...and when that day comes it will be insanely crazy good :)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

And the bad news just keeps on coming...

Alrighty, so my follow up appointment was yesterday and anytime the doc walks in and says your not going to like what Im about to tell you, you know something bad is about to happen. He said he has never seen someone react to the meds like I did and they NOT have endo....he went on to say that he believes my chances of conceiving without a lap is slim to none. So then he went on to say that if his suspicions are correct, we will need injects because they feed endometriosis more slowly than the pill forms of fertility meds. So our cost of treatment just tripled if not more in cost :(
Essentially now we know which is good, but now we have to figure out when we will be able to afford injects because we obviously will have to go through an intense 6 months of treatment after the lap if endo is found. I seriously feel like everything is falling apart in our quest for children. Im not dealing with ovulation failure, low progesterone, and now endometriosis. We are talking more seriously about IUI and possibly even IVF depending on the results of my lap.
Needless to say my hope for a "break baby" just went down the toilet. Please continue to pray for me and hubs because we are both just stunned and really dont know how to handle the news.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And that makes baby #3...

...born this week.
I really think this is a MASSIVE TEST from God, because how is it that as Im sitting here suffering from my second miscarriage of the year that I get to see so many beautiful babies being born in the very same week. I wont lie about my feelings, I have sobbed(cried would be an understatement) myself to sleep every night. I keep having horrible thoughts about how my husband deserves someone better, or that Im a complete failure and really dont have a purpose in living. I feel like Im holding on by a thread. I am trying so hard not to fall into the deep black hole of depression. I have to go to the doc tomorrow to do a cycle review and get another ultrasound done to make sure my cyst went away. After that I will have more of an answer about cost and the next steps for when we do pursue treatment again. Part of me wants to take this nice long break, but then the other part of me doesnt wanna stop til we get our blessing. My heart just aches for a child... I know that God will definitely have His way in all of this, but I just really wish I knew what to expect.

With the holidays coming up, Im trying so desperately to focus all of my emotions on Christmas. A holiday that brings my heart so much joy and happiness. My birthday is on Friday, and Im really trying hard to be excited. We are planning on having a Christmas type party for it. Decorate Christmas cookies, gingerbread houses...the works. I really just hope so much that I can make it through the end of this year with as little tears as possible.

Please God, help me get through this horrible season in life and help me understand what Your plan for my life is.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving!!...and other ramblings lol

Hey readers :)
I just wanted to stop by and say HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I hope everyone got their tummys full of turkey and all the fixings!!

We are spending Thanksgiving in Steamboat Springs, Colorado. Hubs' aunt has a few condos and a townhouse up here, so we are just enjoying the mountains, and Im really trying to just relax and not let pms get the best of me. :)
I think Im allergic to something up here though because I have been feeling just so sick! I ended up taking a 3 hour nap before Thanksgiving dinner because I felt so yucky! It was no fun to wake up before supper and still feel sick to my stomach, no fun at all!

Today my mom is coming to see me and we are going to spend the day on the town while hubs and bro go skiing/boarding.
Im pretty excited as I havent seen her since May and since she knows about everything thats going on Im really looking forward to feeling like someone cares as not alot of people in real life inquire to see how we are doing.

I am sad I missed out on black friday shopping, but oh well! I have about 95% of my Christmas shopping done already haha!
I think Im going to start advertising myself as a wedding planner in my area, I have experience and even a degree to match! I need to make extra income to pay off all our debt from this year and I think this may be the best way to do so!

My birthday is in one week, I will be 23. I always thought Id have a kid by the time I was 23, but I know that Gods plans are higher than ours. I have to go to my doc at least one more time for an ultrasound and cycle review and to talk about all the options before we officially decide to "quit". He wants to make sure my cyst shrunk and I dont need surgery to remove it. Im interested to hear what he has to say about my ultrasound series and all that. He seemed convinced that it would show him alot more as to what is wrong with me. We'll see.



_____________________________TMI below....if your interested in reading about af, or the lack there of...keep reading lol

Well today is day 5 of spotting. Im having really bad mood swings and I am HORRIBLY bloated. I swear part of me wonders what the heck is going on. I DONT spot before af, ever. I feel like Im going crazy because I keep remembering my dream about finding out I was pregnant when I was about 5.5 weeks along by ultrasound and next week I have to get an ultrasound. With this weird af, idk its just all SO ODD. If it werent for the negative blood test on Monday, I would seriously almost believe I was pregnant still. But that blood test reminds me that I am not, and its just a whacky period. Hubs said weirder things have happened...but I dont think so. lol (I know I sound completely crazy for even mentioning all of this...but if you were in my shoes I bet you would too)
My spotting started out black and is red now, but its STILL SO LIGHT! What the heck is going on?!

Monday, November 22, 2010

My heart has never been so broken

Today I got the news I was so scared to get. My heart is JUST so broken right now, I will attempt to write through my tears. So Im sorry if this comes out a little messy or if it doesnt make sense. On Thursday I went in and got a beta done, and the number came back as 8. Anything over 5 is pregnant, one nurse said it could be left over trigger, the other said she thought it was early pregnancy...I seriously felt pregnant....but I will never know which it was. But todays was negative, so its over either way. My heart feels shattered. I had such exciting plans, couldnt wait to tell our parents over the holiday. Its the one time we would have been with them in person at the same time and it would have been perfect. I feel like a failure, I feel like I cant do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. I cant make my husband a daddy and my heart just aches because of it. This weekend it was so nice to hear him talk about a baby, being a daddy, rubbing my tummy, saying he wants a little girl. The fact that I cant get pregnant, really just seems cruel. I knew it was too good to be true. I guess we will be taking that holiday maternity shirt back. Wow, my heart just hurts. The fact of the matter is, my body hasnt worked on its own at all, ever. And now that we will be stopping treatments, I feel utterly hopeless. Maybe being a mommy just isnt in His plan for my life.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sorry its been awhile since I did a real update

Ive been so busy with school and getting ready for the holidays that its just been crazy around here. Ive also tried to not obsess about anything as to HOPE TO GOD it helps :) Still waiting, but thats ok. Whatever happens, I just know that God has it. I know I will be absolutely devastated if we are not pregnant, but like I said its in Gods hands. He will heal my broken heart, it may take some time...but my heart will be mended. We decided that if Im not pregnant, we are going to go on a cruise after the beginning of the year, maybe for Valentines day! Im excited about that thought!! Im just going to continue wait and pray and know that whatever happens. Its in Gods hands!!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Things Im thankful for!

Other than God, this is my "what Im thankful for" list
1. My wonderful, sexy, hilarious, handsome, awesome, amazing, smart husband!!! He is MY WORLD and I cant imagine going through life with any other person!!!
2. My family, they might be crazy at times..but I LOVE EM!!!
3. My amazing puppy, she brightens my day and I LOVE HER so much!! She is seriously the most hilarious, entertaining, obedient dog Ive ever seen.
4. My amazing friends :) You know who you are!! I LOVE YOU ALL!! lol,
5. My amazing online support! You ladies are the best and I really feel blessed to have found you all!! :)


Yep, Im blessed. And Ill never say otherwise.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Its a good day

Im so tired today, but my midterm is FINALLY OVER!! I feel a huge sigh of relief :) I found out today I have a B+ in Spanish so thats good! FF says I have 48 points, so we shall see what happens! Im ready for this week to get over with!! LOL My husband and best friend are convinced that I am, but Im not. Not yet. My tests need to get clearer. Not sure if the trigger is just lingering, but todays was the same OR slightly darker than yesterdays....so I am hoping thats a good sign

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Feeling anxious and kinda scared

Today is 9dpo, and Im feeling really scared to be honest. Im terrified what will happen to my heart if this cycle results in another bfn... FF says af is due tomorrow, but since Im on progesterone shots Im hoping she will STAY AWAY and give me a decent LP. As far as symptoms go, Im trying not to look into much of anything.
Ive been bloated to no end, and I HATE IT lol. I definitely look pregnant. The past few days only my nips have been hurting, til today now the whole thing just hurts. This weekend I dont know if its the stress of the past week or what, but Ive have had to take a nap. Not just a short one either, a full blown 2 hour nap yesterday and today. Ive been fighting waves of nausea since Friday. Lets see, I experienced "jello brain", I mean I have my moments but even this was too much for a normal day for me! If this is what pregnancy will be like then Lord help me!

I have my suspicions that none of these are from the meds, but who knows. Ive been testing the trigger out and today its almost gone.
On Friday we went and looked at a litter of puppies, they were freaking precious! We really want Honu to have a little brother or sister to keep her company while we are getting busier it seems. Last year I got a puppy for my birthday and am hoping this year to get a bfp AND a puppy. Yes, I realize this seems selfish, but its what I want :)
Here is a picture from the day I picked up Honu

You can say it....AWWWW...yeah I know she is pretty darn cute!
The next week just needs to go by quickly so I can just know and move on with my life. Im terrified of this break, it may mean that we wont be parents for a few more years. It may show me that God does have it under control, maybe He will get me pregnant naturally... heck with all the meds maybe Im fixed(I can hope right?!)....but more than likely it will result in us not being parents for awhile and thats something I just need to learn how to accept....

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Well my tests are getting lighter.

So thats a good sign! I just need them go negative soon so that I wont question the lines. :)
I feel like Im losing my mind with all the hormones that have been injected into me this past week. On top of all the horrible thingsthat have happened this week, Im just plain old stressed. I decided that I really really hate school. It doesnt feel worth it. Im gonna keep pushing, and just see what happens. This midterm is really kicking my butt. Its been like a three day process and its not even halfway over. I am just ready to explode LOL. Im planning on doing something that makes me happy this weekend. Im going to go ice skating, come home and bake, decorate for Christmas, and just have a good time with my husband. I need to just relax and have a good time and reconnect with the hubs and thats what I plan on doing!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Here are the three pregnancy tests I have taken

I needed some good news.

Im still pretty upset from earlier, but I just wanted to stop by real quick and let everyone know that I did ovulate. But I have a 30mm cyst, so Im on a progesterone shot series. I got one today, and I am going to get three more, one each on Wed, Fri, and next Mon. Even though I hate these shots, and my butt will be SO SORE, I am grateful because I KNOW that it will help me stay pregnant and my period will definitely stay away as long as it should. It will probably even be late, but you know what...thats better than an 8 day luteal phase. If I havent gotten af or if I have gotten a bfp by 16dpo I can go in for a beta. Its two days before we leave for Thanksgiving break. Talk about down to the wire. Anyways, so thats the plan...please pray for me...I dont know how much more bad news I can take.

This may sound selfish but I dont care

My heart is broken, the one thing I yearn for... It burns so deep in me. I plead with God on a daily basis. I just want the chance to be a mother. I had to find out on Facebook today that my sister is 9 weeks pregnant. What possessed her to write it on Facebook without telling me? She claims it was to save my feelings, but I seriously doubt that. My heart hurts. The one thing I beg for, He seemingly just passes out to every woman who spreads her legs. Graphic, I know. Do I care? No. Its true. What did I do to deserve this? She gets her second baby (her son, my nephew is 9 months old) ON birth control and using condoms....and Im sitting here bding at the right times, being injected with so many different meds/hormones that I feel crazy, constant monitoring, pokes, prods, we beg God for our chance. All He says is no. I want to believe that God loves me, but this very moment makes me feel so forgotten. How is this fair? I love my sister, but she smoked her entire pregnancy with my nephew. She isnt with the father of either baby. I just dont understand. I know everyone makes mistakes but tell me this...how is this fair?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Oh what a wonderful dream

Well, today is cd 17 and not sure if I have ovulated or not. We're just going to bd like I havent and the docs confirm it. I had a super sharp pain on my right ovary last night, so Im thinking its possible at least one egg has released. I have been having INSANE mood swings. I apologize to all who know me. Seriously, the best way for me to describe it is I feel like IM LOSING MY MIND. I hope that the hcg leaves my system quickly..

Anyways to address the title of my post :)
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant but didnt know it. I was only 5 weeks though. I had an ultrasound done and the tech was like oh my, well there is your baby! I looked at her and was like "Dont joke with me, are you playing a joke?!" lol, and then later in the dream we were telling a little girl that we were pregnant and even though I cant remember it could have been my lil sister lol, anyways...I told her and she was hugging my tummy saying "aww baby!!!" lol I woke up in a great mood, even though Im so insanely exhausted. I seriously have gotten up every hour on the hour every night to pee. It HAS to be the HCG. No fun to get the symptoms with no baby...but if this gets me the baby then well so be it! lol

Friday, November 5, 2010

Follie check #5 and 30,000 units of hcg

Well todays ultrasound went ok. I wish it had said that I had released my eggies, but alas..it didnt. One of the follies was leaking, so it can be assumed its ready to release. They were both 19mm. I got a third shot of 10,000 units of hcg. Not really sure how long its going to take for all of it to clear my system! I guess Im gonna start testing it out on Monday. Ill keep you guys posted!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Rest In Peace Aiden

I just got a text from my dear friend, her son was diagnosed with trisomy 18 a few months ago. He went to be with Jesus today, they are currently at the hospital inducing labor and I just wanna ask all my readers to please pray for Jessie and Shawn. I can not imagine the pain they are going through right now :(

Follie check #4!

Im feeling somewhat emotional today, its probably all the stress of school, trying to find a new job, and fighting these thoughts from Satan that Im a failure, oh and the fact that I have been injected with the pregnancy hormone: HCG.
One thing the pastor from last night said was that WE are not failures, the situations are. (That was before he met with us afterward) I just have to keep that in mind. That is the biggest thing I seem to struggle with is feeling like a complete failure. Satan definitely likes to torture me with those thoughts. This morning I was so emotional and then I ended up getting a speeding ticket which made me so upset I couldnt drive and hubs ended up taking me home and I skipped class for the first time this term. We went grocery shopping and I bought a bunch of things that were low in calories that I could eat for lunches. I have been able to stay under 1500 calories a day! I havent been able to get to the gym once this week because somehow we got on a bd schedule of the mornings, so that takes the time out that we were working out in. But next week I will start back up! I did lunges two days ago and oh my word, my legs are still killing me. It will be worth it though! I just have to keep on trucking. I am getting SO EXCITED for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have some Christmas presents bought already, but Im not even a quarter way in. Im trying to make sure that we give good gifts, but in our budget(which this year is TINY). If anyone has any tips/ideas for inexpensive presents let me know!! My birthday is in 29 days, haha...Im still young enough where I still look forward to it! Ill be 23 years old! Im really praying Ill be pregnant for my 23rd birthday! I always thought I would by then...

Follie update :)
Ok so yesterdays reading (we read off the screen lol) was wrong. I had one at 19mm and the other was smaller..today they are 21mm and 16mm. Got my second dose of HCG today. I go back tomorrow for yet another ultrasound. Hopefully by tomorrow I will have ovulated and no more will be needed! Here was my test from this morning, definitely positive. I told hubs I was pregnant..he laughed...I hope here in 2 weeks or so Ill be able to tell him for real!!! Here was this mornings test. I decided to go ahead and test out the trigger!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Follie Check #3!!

Well my ultrasound went well, she still couldnt see my left ovary well enough...but she doesnt think from what she can see that the follies on that one are growing...so we focused more on the right. I had two follies that were ready to go, one at 18mm and the other at 19mm!!!!!! We triggered at 4pm. I go back in tomorrow at 4 to see if I ovulate between now and then, and if not they are going to give me another hcg injection tomorrow. Im beyond excited!! Tonight we had a guest pastor speaking to the youth group from Derry, Ireland. He was awesome! He mentioned during the service that they had quads! Thats right!! FOUR BABIES! They are five now, but still LOL afterwards me and hubs went up to him to talk more and he prayed with us. I told him I wanted to visit Ireland so if I wasnt pregnant next summer I totally was going to come on the missions trip there this upcoming summer. He responded "well I for one hope your not coming because I hope your pregnant by then!" lol made my night :) anyways, will update you guys tomorrow after that ultrasound! :)

Follie Check #2

Alrighty sorry I havent updated in a few days..its been super busy with halloween and yesterday was just so jam packed full of stuff to do :( Monday was my #2 follie check..and well you remember that I had 3 tiny ones on my right and 2 large ones on my left? We fully expected the large ones to be the ones that would be maturing considering that they are the ones that were so close to being mature. That was not the case, they hardly changed in size. The three on my right however grew and the largest was 16mm. I go back today at 3pm and she said I could probably expect to do the trigger today. So now we just have to wait and see what happens. Its kinda exciting and scary that I have possibly 4 different eggs that "might" release. I think my ultrasound later will tell alot :) Ill update you again after my doc appointment I promise :) Im not having any fertile mucus at all so not exactly sure whats goin on as I have been doing robutussin for three days and drinking tons of water. I am using preseed externally though so hopefully that will help.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Follie Check

Well today was my first follie check in the series my doc is doing. I had 3 tiny ones on my right ovary, and 2 larger ones on my left. I ovulated from my right last time, so it makes sense the more mature ones would be on my left I think. The two larger ones are 13mm & 15mm and they want to see them be over 20mm before they are released. She said on average they will grow 1-2mm a day so they both should be ready on Monday! Then once they are ready, we are going to do a trigger and I should ovulate around 36hrs later! I really didnt expect them to say that I had follies that are possibly so close to being ready. So yeah thats all I have to say right now. Maybe with the two mature follies we will get twins!!! haha that would be amazing

Monday, October 25, 2010

Doc appointment today!

Ok so today is my doctors appointment. We are going to go over all the tests I got done, and see if there is any change in the hormones. I read an interesting article about how if you have blood type O you have increased chances of infertility.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/healthnews/8084012/Women-with-O-blood-type-may-struggle-to-conceive.html
Im not sure what mine is, but I know my mom has blood type O. So Im gonna ask the doc what mine is lol. Im not claiming anything, Jesus is the decider of my fertility, not my blood type...but its definitely interesting.
Anyways back to what I was saying. Today is my doctors appointment and baseline ultrasound. Im kinda excited to hear what his game plan is. Ill be back later to update everyone!! :)

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Onto treatment cycle #5

If you could see me right now, you would see a woman whose heart has been broken so many times. A woman who tries so desperately to put her best smile on when she goes to church, or the mall, or anywhere in public. A woman who tells her family she is great, who makes it seem ok. In reality, its not ok. I know deep in my soul that we will be parents one day, and that God has it. And thats not what these feelings are about. These feelings are just that, feelings. Feelings can and will lie to you. I try to remember that on a daily basis, but who doesn't get caught up in feelings? I know I do. Im sure you do too. Right now, Im trying so hard to get psyched for infertility treatment cycle #5. Im trying to look at all the positives such as I FINALLY ovulated this time, my progesterone was DOUBLE what it was the last time I ovulated in March...even though I still got af earlier than I should have...I just have to keep trucking and hope that they will adjust the progesterone support! This cycle is going to be our biggest yet, he mentioned three to six different medications, multiple ultrasounds and blood work, Im not exactly sure what the plan is, but I have an appointment at 2pm on Monday(cd 5) to discuss what we will be doing and start round five. I never thought when we started fertility treatments we would be doing them for so long. I realize this isnt as long as some women, but you just never expect it. I know God gave me and my husband the desire for kids, and I know He will be faithful. Sometimes what I know isnt what I feel, but thats when I just have to stop and pray and just realize that feelings lie....

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Voice of Truth

I was driving down the road today thinking about the two week wait and all that we have been through in trying to conceive and the miscarriage and just all of it..and I turned on K-Love and this song came on. When the part
"But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."
came on I seriously started to lose it in my car. I bawled. How many times have we tried to get pregnant? How many times have we tested praying that THAT would be the test that would prove our dreams were coming true....Below are the lyrics and a youtube video of the song....I choose to listen to the Voice of Truth...do you?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You you'll never win

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
to put the giant on the ground
and the waves they don't seem so high
from on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
when I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
singing over me

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
The Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me (calling out to me)
I will choose to listen and believe (I will choose to listen and believe)
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth

I will listen and believe
I will listen and believe the Voice of truth
I will listen and believe
'Cause Jesus you are the Voice of truth
And I will listen to you.. oh you are the Voice of truth

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Facebook.

So I have a facebook as does probably every single person I know. And I even post links to my blog on there, as everyone knows what we are going through. But can I just tell you, the "mommy" week on facebook....it downright stings. Seeing it on every freaking status on my wall...bleh!! It seriously has made me avoid facebook for a few days. I literally hide those statuses as soon as they pop up. Not because of anything my friends are doing...but being on the"other side" I dont know, it just feels like salt being rubbed into the wound. I almost said something on facebook about it. But then I realized I didnt wanna be misconstrued as "mean". So I am just going to write about it here...and if your a mommy and you get offended by this. Well Im sorry...but I wont apologize for how seeing all the "mommy" status updates makes me feel. Sometimes I have thought about getting rid of facebook, but then I realize I couldnt because of how many people I have that I talk to on there. I really wish facebook would come up with something that I could put a forbidden words list and statuses that had those words in the content would disappear from my feed.
I think I would put: Im pregnant, We're expecting, baby, pregnancy...well you get the picture. But then again it would probably make statuses disappear like "We're expecting our house to sell tomorrow!" or "Baby, I love you!" Ha, I definitely just made myself "laugh out loud". Anyways, this is my rant about facebook and the torture it brings to those of us who feel like we're on the outside "looking in"

Monday, October 18, 2010

If God is for us then who can stand against us?



This is a video of the song that I have been listening to for about 2 weeks and I LOVE IT. It definitely applies to the situation we are in right now. It really reminds me every single time that I listen to it that He is for us, and if He is for us then who can stand against us? He has the entire situation under control. I may not like it, but its definitely under His control. He chose me to walk through this, for whatever reason I have no idea...but He has the power to control it. He can give me a baby tomorrow. Will he? I am not sure, but what I do know is that He has it under control.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Counting my blessings

So today I was chatting with my awesome friend J. She is pregnant with a precious little boy and he was diagnosed with trisomy 18. Her due date is 5 weeks away, and it breaks my heart to think that its possible that these are the last few weeks she has with her precious son. I wish I could fix it, make it better. You know whats funny is Ive never even met her in real life, but she has been there for me during this time of me trying to get pregnant. We may not speak as much as I would like, but she is a true friend and she lets Jesus shine through her. I can NOT imagine feeling my baby move, kick, respond to my voice just to know that chances are I wouldnt be able to watch him grow up, hear him call me mama, or see him take his first steps. Yes there is always a chance that Jesus could heal this little boy and he will surprise the doctors and it would be a miracle, but its more likely that his fate will be as the others before him. Those precious babies that were taken from us way too soon. God picked such an amazing mommy for Aiden. He is truly blessed to have her as his mom. I pray daily that God would continue to mend J's broken heart, and that he would continue to let His light shine through her and Aiden's story.

After talking with her, I have just been sitting here praying that God would help me to just remember all the things I have to be grateful for. Sometimes I forget to look at the glass as half full. I have an insanely amazing husband who has stood by me through all the doctors appointments, diagnosis after diagnosis, the tears, the anger, the mood swings, the obsessing, the pain. I have an amazing family, my mom has truly been such a blessing to me. She listens to me cry, gives me advice, tells me to get over it when I need someone to just be blunt with me, and prays for me. I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ask for. My friend K, she is such a prayer warrior and I can call her pretty much any time and she will stand in the gap when Im too weak to. Her kids are such a blessing to me. They love me, they give me kisses and we play together and they are very much how I hope my kids are one day. So sweet and just so full of Gods love! My friend A.B., she is a youth pastor in Texas. We dont get to see each other very much, but boy she is always ready to be there if I need a shoulder(over the phone haha) to cry on. She always reminds me that God has a plan, and she never fails to pray for me. My other friend S.W. she lives in FL..man this girl has just been with me 100% along the way. She knows the pain, she understands the diagnosis, the desire. She has always been there to pick me up when I fall down. She is such a blessing to me! And of course my friend M, she is seriously one of my best friends. She has been rooting for me since last christmas, she has prayed for me, and listened to me and I feel so lucky to have her as one of my friends. I will never forget my friend Savana, she was and always will be the inspiration for my life, she always showed me how to live life, and she loved God with all her heart. She was so excited we were trying for a baby, and I just know she is going to pick me out the best baby ever when its time :) I love her tons and miss her daily. And well of course we cant forget my dog, who loves me so much she literally flips out if I go to the bathroom and comes back into the room. She just loves being with me, loves to cuddle and gives me hugs and kisses. I love my dog. She is my baby! God has truly blessed me, and where as I dont have my baby yet...things could be so much worse. I know God has everything in control and it will happen when its supposed to. Thank you to my dear friends who have been there for me, I hope that I am able to bless you as much as you have me! Love you guys.

Pickles for breakfast?!

Haha, yep you read that right. I had pickles for breakfast, and lunch actually. They were delicious. I havent had a pickle in months. I know this may seem really random, but to me its not. Even though I know its way too soon to be looking into pregnancy symptoms..I just cant help it. Haha, ok but realistically Im not saying this is one... But it sure is fun to think about. I am just going to continue to hope and dream!

So update on my new doctors appointment yesterday!
I LOVE HIM! haha, he is so nice! I have an ultrasound tomorrow to check to make sure my lining is good enough to sustain a pregnancy and then if it comes out good Ill get my estrodial and progesterone blood tests done and if it doesnt then Ill have to repeat it on Monday and get those blood tests done then and the best part is that if I need it he is gonna put me on progesterone support!! Im just thinking if I get pregnant Ill actually have a fighting chance at carrying full term this time!! Im so glad this doctor is listening to my concerns and is actually taking the steps to get and keep me pregnant!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

~it worked~

So the T3 treatment Im on MUST be helping, because I definitely ovulated on Sunday!! Praise God!! I just have to say, that this time around Im feeling so insanely hopeful. I really hope our ttc journey is coming to an end. I hope the heart breaking part of this is almost over. I am so eager to see those two lines, see that heartbeat, feel the baby move, and finally hold our baby in my arms. I have been day dreaming for a couple of days and I CANT WAIT. I really hope the next week goes by quickly. Last night when we went to bed, he leaned over and touched my tummy and said "dear Jesus, please send us our baby". I seriously cried. It touched my heart. I said Amen, and he was like do you have anything else to ask for, I replied, nope thats all I can think of that I want. It was a very sweet moment that definitely infiltrated my dreams because then I dreamt about getting three positive pregnancy tests and not believing it. And in my dream hubs had to just tell me YOUR PREGNANT BELIEVE IT haha. Oh I really pray this is it for us. 15 months is so long to be trying for a baby. The emotional toll its taken on me and on him. All I know is God has used it to strengthen us and our marriage. I love him more and more every day.

Please Jesus send us our baby.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

What a wonderful weekend

Well today is cd 16, I got a positive ovulation test Friday night!! It was beautiful and I will admit I cried. I just pray I get a temp spike in the morning or Ill worry that it was a false positive opk.

I had an awesome time at the baby shower yesterday, I will even admit that I didnt even cry. Not once, not even after I left. Im pretty proud. She had a blast, and it was awesome. :) Im so happy that I got to do that for her! I feel like God has really been stretching me and my character and love for others. I still have moments where I would love to drop kick some people, but they are slowly improving where I just want to pinch them. Yay for caring for people other than yourself. Here are some pics from the party :)

All set up and ready to PARTTAAYY


Its A Girl! :)


Me and my awesome co-hostess Erica


Me helping the mommy to be write down her gifts!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I must be getting close!!!

So todays ovulation tests arent positive but they are SO CLOSE. Im having a horrible day, nothing seems to be wanting to work out the way that I planned it to. I have a baby shower tomorrow and when I was decorating the cake earlier...it broke. And then I tried cupcakes, and they just dont look right. Thank God I was able to order a back up cake. I am working on finishing up the baby quilt that I started like 3 months ago...I have to get it done tonight, but yet I keep seeing all the imperfections and it makes me frustrated. I am too much of a perfectionist sometimes I think. Anyways, Im cd 14 with an ALMOST ++ opk, so we shall see what tomorrow holds!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

YAY for fall :)

Ok so Im tired of all the woah is me posts! Geez lol, so it was FINALLY starting to feel like fall(even though today was a bit warmer than it has been and apparently the next week its supposed to be very unlike fall weather booo) Tomorrow we are going to the pumpkin patch with my best friend and her hubs and sons! Its going to be a blast! :) School started back up yesterday, and my spanish prof is pretty entertaining. It seems to me that she really loves like hands on activities and projects. I cant tell if this is going to be an funner or more difficult class because of it. Hopefully it will be wayyyy more funner! :) I have the baby shower Im hosting this weekend, pretty excited and nervous. If I have to cry, I hope I can not do it til after I get home as I want this baby shower to be one she will never forget :) Oh and I made an appointment with that new ob/gyn. I just need to get my records to be sent to him. Its next wednesday. Yipppeee. OK thats really all I have to say right now haha, not much going on here. Just alot of homework and spending time with my pup Honu. On the ttc front, nothing much is going on...waiting to ovulate. Hopefully I actually do this time around...

Friday, October 1, 2010

Today we learned alll about cervical mucus

LOL, so today we had our first meeting with our Creighton model instructor to go over how they chart. We went over the different stickers, meanings, and how to mark everything down. We also saw pictures. LOL, now Im not one to call my husband into the bathroom to show off my ewcm...so this was all new to him! I kinda felt bad for him, but he was tough and totally handled it well! :) (He probably wont admit it, but I think he was interested in it! haha)
While we were there the lady told us about an OB/GYN in our town that we could consider going to if things didnt work out at the specialist. We went out on a date tonight and talked about it and I need to find an OB/GYN here in town anyways, and this doctor would deliver at the hospital that I have already picked out. So I think we are going to try and get in to see him. At the very least to see if I like him enough to let him deliver our baby, but we will also be asking him about treatments and see what his course of treatment would be with our situation. He was trained by Dr Hilgers which is the doctor that my doctor is under. Dr Hilgers is one of the best in the nation if not the world. Knowing that this other doctor used to work at the institute almost instantly puts me at ease with how he would do things. But then again I havent met him yet...and if he is in our insurance network it would be worth it to switch. Now, with all that being said I want to give the T3 treatment Im on a fair chance, but with how my doc almost refuses to go up in the clomid or do injections or switch to femara...all because she wants to avoid multiple births makes me well feeling somewhat frustrated. You cant get pregnant if you dont ovulate and you dont ovulate "well". So anyways, now this is another option we are looking into. And if we decide to switch to this doctor I will probably be scheduling a lap in January before school starts back up. So yeah, kinda exciting to have more options, but first we have to meet him and find out where he stands on everything and what he would do.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Whew I need a breather

Well today I had a short mini panic attack about school. LOL. There was a misunderstanding with my financial aid, but I went and spoke to the dean and he took care of it. Im so ready to be done with this school and transfer to the University in the spring. I went and worked out this morning, and Im super proud of myself haha! Its day two of going to the gym, I am determined to keep pushing myself til I get to the weight I need to be at. My goal is to get as much weight off by thanksgiving as I can!! We are planning on going to the mountains with the inlaws for skiing, should be super fun!! I havent been on my snowboard in about 2 years! Hopefully I dont end up breaking something hahahaha
Update on Clomid: This time around Im having hardly any hot flashes, the only side effect that I can really recognize as one this time around is the vivid dreams. I keep dreaming Im in shows that I watch the night before. Its ridiculous and a bit weird haha! Im just praying that I ovulate this time around. I will start using opks on Monday, so fingers crossed Ill get a surge sometime next week!
We were going to lead a connect group at our church for infertility, but only one other couple signed up. Im kinda disappointed but I realize this can be a really hard group to sign up for. I invited the other couple (well the wife) to go to coffee. Hopefully she will take me up on it haha, it would be nice to talk to someone in real life rather than just online. I cant believe tomorrow is October 1st!! Crazy how fast this year has passed us by! Today Im going to be working a baby quilt Im making for a friend who is due around thanksgiving. Im hoping it will turn out great..
Anyways, tomorrow is Friday!! Woohoo its almost the weekend! Hope everyone is having an awesome week!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Making Your Home a Haven Fall Challenge

I saw this on another blog and I cant seem to figure out how to add it here!
This is the link to the blog, unfortunately I cant get it to be clickable. I need to become more savvy in this area LOL
http://womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/2010/09/making-your-home-haven-fall-challenge.html
I definitely think its an awesome idea and want to invite everyone to do it! I put the schedule on my side bar for it :)

Sometimes you just have to push yourself

So I have been stuck in a funk for a few weeks about not being pregnant and just couldnt get out of the "woah is me" attitude. I have been crying at the drop of a hat and I seriously just couldnt get past it. Finally last night, I just had to post a facebook status claiming healing: "I am HEALED by the blood of Jesus. Womb you WILL work in Jesus name and I WILL have my baby. Amen. :)"

After I posted that I just felt better. I am going to pray and speak to my body and it will be healed in the name of Jesus. My God didnt get brutally crucified for me to get sick all the time and my body to not work. I am healed by the blood of Jesus and Im claiming it!!!!!! I WILL get my baby, I will lose this weight, and I WILL BE HEALTHY IN JESUS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked to my dear friend S last night and she told me that I need to live day by day and focus on the small victories instead of focusing on alllll my failures. So this morning, I forced myself to go work out. I did hard intervals for 25 minutes before I started to feel sick, and Im not a fan of puking in public so I figured that it would be good for today. I can only do what I can do, and I will for sure make sure Im giving my 100%.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Clomid, af, and pneumonia oh my!

So ended up taking hubs to the doc today. He has been sick for two weeks, poor guy. I started to feel sick yesterday and we found out he has pneumonia(very contagious ughh) and so yep! Cd 3, on af and starting to get what he has... I have been cleaning/disinfecting and still not done, but Im so insanely exhausted. I had a date night planned for hubs and I this Thursday, but doubt its gonna happen now...maybe next week :( I started the clomid tonight. I decided to do it cd 3-7 rather than 5-9. Hopefully we are done being sick by O time! Pray for a fast recovery and that I dont actually get pneumonia!! Thanks to you all! :)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The ups and downs...particularly the downs.

So I have been having such a hard time being positive, with my emotions and the hormones, it seems like I am on a constant roller coaster(and for those of you who know me, I HATE roller coasters).
My emotions are UP and DOWN, and then back UP and DOWN. Can I just vent for a minute? A year and a half ago I was a skinny sexy young woman who was newly engaged and had all the dreams of the world to be a wife & mother, and a hot one at that. Last year was insanely hard for me. My body went from a hot 135lbs to a FAT 185lbs in less than 8 months. I was working out and dieting and just kept gaining and gaining. Now I know its because of my thyroid issues and insulin issues, but can I just tell you HOW depressed I am that I went from a size 5/6 to 15/16? in my first year of marriage??? OK I will admit it Im vain, I have always felt that my "beauty" was all I ever had as a "talent"...I could "look good". I looked GOOD. Now when I look in the mirror Im just insanely disgusted. It seems like every time I look around, I see either super hot skinny women, or pregnant women. Its torture. If Im not pregnant, I want my skinny body back!!! I had a hard time today as they are putting in Christmas infant clothes in my fav stores. They are just so darn precious, and in all honesty I expected to have our baby in my arms by Christmas. The baby we lost was due on my sisters birthday, December 22nd. Its going to be really hard this year to get through the holidays if Im not expecting by then. It really honestly breaks my heart. I find myself randomly bursting into tears. I know that Jesus has it, and He has a plan, but I cant help but wonder why. And the what ifs, oh boy the what ifs....I can NOT let myself go there because if I do, Ill lose it again. Oh the sorrows of an infertile.

Cd 1

Well, today is cd 1, and here is the plan:
Clomid 50mg cd 3-7
T3 every 12 hours
Metformin 500mg daily
250mg of B6
Prenatal
Robitussin
And Dh will be on Fertilaid for men
Preseed
This is a much smaller list than I have had in the past. I am just going to do the vitamins that I think is necessary. Im done being paranoid about all the possible problems.
I am really trying to be positive and hopeful, but I feel somewhat jaded. If that makes sense. I am just going to speak it into existence. Body, in the name of Jesus you WILL ovulate :) & You WILL get pregnant. Amen lol

Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh Mondays....

So normally I can write my posts pretty well, I know exactly how to start them and how to finish them. Today not so much...First off my doc told me today that we are going to stay at the 50mg, and so it really topped the cake of a really crappy day. Im going to start from the beginning of the day and end with what I am thinking about as of tonight. I woke up after getting a night interrupted about 6 times with intense hot flashes in combination with the urge to pee...the hot flashes were so bad they actually made me nauseous. So when I woke up I was feeling very hot and very sick. Then the moodiness kicked in, and it has gone down hill from there. After I rushed around to get ready for my morning Spanish class, I was getting angrier and angrier over the smallest things and then I got to the point where I was just ready to break because I couldn't figure out what to eat for breakfast, lately I have been waking up so sick that I cant eat cereal, anything with fruit or sugar...I have been living off of cream of wheat. My teeth have been super sensitive so nothing cold, which in turn has made me dehydrated because I havent been able to drink water. Saying Ive been miserable is quite the understatement. Anyways after that whole ordeal I get in the car to take hubs to work before I head to class and all of a sudden when I get on a road that has no side streets to turn onto a massive spider emerges and I was just stuck. Its body was about the size of a quarter and I started to freak. I couldnt get any words out and hubs couldnt figure out why I was freaking out so bad. Finally I screamed spider and he squashed it with a reciept that was in the console. Once I got to where there was a side street I could turn on I pulled over and just started to freak out. I jumped out of the car and seriously started to freak. I was shaking, felt sick, the whole thing. It was horrible. Needless to say it took me a few minutes to be able to get in the car and hubs had to drive me to class and pick me up because I was just so shaken up(I knew I was scared of spiders, but that was crazy bad). After that I swore my day just HAD to get better, and it was for a couple of minutes til I got to class, and me and my partner got up to perform our skit(In spanish mind you)...and what happens? She forgot a line and told me that I was the one...hopefully my professor realizes that I wasnt the one who forgot my lines that I just went with the flow. So after that I swore it HAD to get better, even though my hormones started raging again and I felt absolutely just irritated at anything and everything. Fast forward a few hours and I get a call from my nurse about the doctors plans for the next cycle, she told me she wanted me to continue with clomid at 50mg(even though I didnt ovulate at that dose this past month) and then the nurse proceeded to yell at me about how I need to do the creighton charting {Im signed up just havent met with the instructor, and I have been charting for a year....but since i didnt have an instructor apparently that doesnt count(its crap)} She continued to yell at me about how I needed to take my pulse 4x a day and mark it down every time and also take my temp 4x a day and mark those down too..Im fine with that, but to yell at me about it when no one mentioned it to me(yes it was in the informational packet...but its finals week and I havent had the time to just sit and read it) and how I was supposed to call 72hrs after starting my thyroid treatment and yet today would technically be the first day I could talk to them because 72hrs would have been on saturday and they arent open then. Its ridiculous. I was crying on the phone with the nurse, because I just dont get it. Needless to say when she called be back to me that I was gonna have to stay at 50mg of clomid, my heart broke. I realize that starting this thyroid treatment could help me ovulate on that dosage, but my heart is just broken, I was more upset last week on the fact that I hadnt ovulated then the fact that I wasnt pregnant. I just want my body to work. Well anyways, I was talking to my mom(well sobbing) about all of this, and she told me that I just need to live in the day and not worry about tomorrow, then she went onto tell me that maybe I should look into seeing a counselor because I have been stuck in a state of grief since my miscarriage in April. And honestly I think that she is right....
I texted a really dear friend of mine about it..she asked me why I was in a state of grief and so I texted her back and said, well because of the fertility issues. She replied but why are you in grief? At first, I kinda was hurt and offended. I mean duh, didn't she realize?? BUT THEN, it hit me, no she didnt. She couldn't understand why my heart is so broken. She has a beautiful baby girl. Then I started to think about it and well here I am now, typing my thoughts on it.
The definition of grief is: deep or intense sorrow or distress, especially at the death of someone.
I think this is a very real part of infertility and obviously miscarriage. I grew up my entire life dreaming about the day when I would be married and have a houseful of kids. I love kids, anyone who knows me can see that. I have been told for years by SEVERAL different moms that I have nannied/babysat for that I had such a talent with babies. I could calm the colicky babies, put kids down for a nap successfully, etc.. I was made to be a mom. When my hubs and I got married, we had originally thought maybe we would wait two years after we got married to start trying for a baby. Three months after we said our "I do's" I was off of birth control and we were not trying not preventing. It wasn't even a month or two after that that we decided to pursue actually having a baby. In the meantime I have watched more friends that I can count on my two hands get pregnant and the majority have delivered beautiful babies. I am so insanely happy for them, there is nothing more precious in this world than a newborn..not in my eyes anyways. This whole year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me as I have lost not only a baby, but the thought that I might actually be able to have kids biologically. After I had what is called a chemical pregnancy which is a miscarriage before a heartbeat is established at the doctors, it took me about a month to come to terms with it. I completely avoided it, I barely shed a tear when I started bleeding. Not because I wasnt shattered completely, but I told myself it was for a reason, and I should just "get over it"...and for a few weeks I was fine, completely suppressed any feelings I had. And then it hit me like a flood, June was a very VERY dark month for me. I had lost all hope. My body had failed me, and what I didnt realize is I was going through the steps of grief. May was denial, June was Anger, I think July I went through the bargaining stage and am currently trying desperately to get through the depression stage to get to the acceptance. Now, to answer my friends question why I am grieving. I am grieving an intense loss. One where not only am I grieving the loss of my baby, but every month I grieve the loss of another chance, another "wasted" month, more wasted money, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My body hasn't worked, and every time it doesnt work, it just reminds me how much of a failure I really am at being a woman(now that may not be the case, but its how I feel). That is why Im in grief. Im grieving not only a loss, but the idea of being a mommy.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Fall decor, finals week, & af

Well first off Ill go in order of my title in the content of this post.
Fall decor! I just finished putting up our tiny supply of fall decor and my house just feel so warm I LOVE it! Its really cool out, I think right now its like 58 degrees!
Finals week is this week. I have lots of studying to do, cant wait for next weekend to be here because this week is just not gonna be fun! I have to do a skit, an interview and final for my spanish class. I will be done Thursday at 11 though! Im looking forward to it! Another stinky part of this week is hubs has to go to a conference 3 hours away from Wed night to Fri night. I hate being home alone at night. But I have no choice :( I guess he is taking the "run for your life" expression literally because with af being due Friday....the two days prior Im expecting to have extreme pms. I did last month and oh wow, yeah probably a good thing he wont be here! Hope everyones weekend is going great!!
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