Monday, June 20, 2011

Outsider

My heart is aching. Aching for a chance to be a mother. Aching because so many people act like we have a contagious disease and if they ask how we are doing, they may catch it.

So many friends have come and gone. It seems that once they get close enough for me to let them into the part of my life where I feel like I can express my heart, they run. And fast.

I understand this topic is uncomfortable, and painful.

My husband and I feel so lonely. There are very few people who are willing to actually listen to our hearts and let us cry and be real. Even less for my husband than for me. Which makes me angry for him. He is such an amazing guy, yet since being married to me and people realizing we have this issue, no one really takes the time to spend time with him. Which makes me angrier. I get it. Women have babies and most of my friends have moved on, its awkward and uncomfortable. But my husband has done no wrong. He deserves to have guy time. To have men that he can go to when he feels like he is about to break. I have never seen my husband so upset. We have both shed more tears this week then we would like to admit. He needs friends that will love and support and build him up....because he has to be strong for me. He is my support as I walk through the shots, surgery, the needles, the miscarriages...well you get the point. He carries this burden, and just like every husband he just wants to fix it. And he cant.

I have one friend, ONE that I feel that has actually spent the time and heart and emotion to be there for me. The rest, well they have fallen on the side. Her heart is so pure and so loving. She is such a blessing to me. I adore her and her family.

As if we don't feel bad enough about the situation, having to watch our friends move on and have families. They look at us, like we have done something wrong. Or that we are just "being dramatic". Well.. I am sorry, but I really wish we could just have sex and 9 months later a baby is born. I REALLY wish that is how it is for us. It breaks my heart we cant have a baby the "natural" way. It would have saved us already probably almost $20,000 in addition all the heartache and emotion.

I feel like all of this is my fault. Its my body. My disease. I'm an outsider.
And now my husband is too.

When will this end?

1 comment:

  1. oh my goodness Ashley that is EXACTLY how I have been feeling lately! and ALOT since fathers day! I'm tired of feeling like that too like we have no one to turn to who truly understands us and that pain that we all as couples dealing with infertility feel. it is true all of our friends are moving on with their lives and have kids or are pregnant with baby 1,2, and 3 and here we sit with none when we have been wanting and trying before ALL of them even had 1!! its so awful to go through and my heart breaks all the time over it too! I don't understand and it makes me so mad that dh and I have to sit here and watch while it happens for everyone else. it does hurt so bad. I wish my dh had more guy friends to hang with too cuz he is my support and I agree with all that u said! my dh gets bummed now more cuz all his guy friends he doesn't get to hang out with anymore cuz they have different work schedules or their gf's are having babies or whatever. so he feels left out and it just plain sux! right now I'm to the point where I just feel I am done with it all. I want to give up as hard as it is. I just wish it would happen "naturally" too like its supposed to happen and does for everyone else. I'm with u girl on everything I feel the exact same things and its good to not feel alone.

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