Sunday, June 19, 2011

Fathers Day Weekend

Well we have had such a great weekend so far. Only one thing has made it a little more sad than it should have been, but I will tell you about it in a few...

We skipped church because not only is it fathers day, but my church also decided to do baby dedications in all the services. So to protect our hearts we decided God wouldn't hate us if we skipped a weekend of church. Last weekend we couldn't even make it through service without bawling our eyes out...so we just figured this was probably best.

Friday night we went out on the town and had a wonderful night reconnecting.
Last night we hung out with his cousin L and his girlfriend J. It was so much fun! Played Just Dance 2 and Cranium.

Today we discovered a donut shop in Lincoln! Yesterday I was JUST saying how I couldn't believe that there wasn't a donut shop in Lincoln. Well there is. And we bought some, and I dare say they are BETTER than Krispy Kreme. *Gasp*

Ok now to the depressing part of the weekend. Miles finally checked the mail, and guess what was in it? My new pads that I bought from Pink Lemonade Shop & Enfamil Newborn Formula.

Yep. Formula. For the baby that should be arriving in about 5 weeks :'( Formula that is just a gift, formula that I did NOT order. And pads for the many expected future afs that will be here before our child is conceived.

My heart aches. I didn't realize I would be sent a box of formula(not that when I have a baby we will be using formula, I believe breast is best), but still! This was meant for that precious baby. I thought for sure that we would be expecting another little one by the time this baby's due date rolled around. Well boy was I wrong.

I feel empty inside. A place in my heart that has yet to be filled, a place meant for a child. Even though I'm ok with the thought of waiting through the summer to try for a baby...my heart still aches. I wonder how I will be able to make it through a year or more if we end up going through with IVF. Especially since I personally am at this point in time TERRIFIED of doing anything less, terrified that my body wont respond properly. I want complete control. And maybe that's where I'm wrong.

I am trusting God, heck maybe He will bless us without treatment. I'm not sure what his plan is. All I know is I gotta continue to just rest in Him like He has asked of me.


***On a side note, tomorrow is my cycle review with Dr H. Its the appointment where he is going to tell us what went wrong, and all that jazz. Its also the appointment where we will be telling him that we are going to see the RE in Omaha. I'm so nervous!! I don't want him to be mad, but I feel that we need a doctor that is 100% dedicated to this.

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