Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Denial

I have a feeling that I have been in denial.

Denial that I was pregnant last week.

Denial that we had yet another early miscarriage.

I refused to even say it out loud til today, but then I finally approached hubs about it.

He thinks its the most logical explanation for what happened.

We got a light positive pregnancy test on Saturday morning. We spent all of Saturday day dreaming about the future, looking at pregnancy books, and I even bought a picture frame that said miracle.

We were convinced, but then the odd cramp happened on Sunday morning. I was hoping that meant baby was snuggling in deeper, but my worst fear was still in the forefront of my mind. I refused to even verbalize it.

The last time I cramped before af came was the last time we had our Thanksgiving loss, and the time before that was our April loss. So when I cramped all day Sunday, I just kept praying for the good. Not even allowing myself to think the bad.

Then on Monday, the cramping got worse, and then I started spotting. By late afternoon my period had arrived, yet was so painful. I have been bleeding so heavy and the clots are insane, this morning I "flooded" myself :(

Tonight, I finally told Miles what I thought was going on. And he agreed that it was likely that is what was happening. I told him I was in denial that we could possibly be having another early loss. His theory is that since it was a premature egg, that it fertilized and tried to implant but failed because the egg wasn't good enough. That seems logical to me. The most likely explanation for the extremely painful bleeding, the "contraction", and the + pregnancy test.

This loss is affecting me differently, maybe I just haven't accepted it quite yet.

1 comment:

  1. :( I'm so sorry Ash. Maybe God's protecting your emotions right now. :)

    If it suddenly hits you, though, we'll be here to support you!!!

    ReplyDelete

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