Tuesday, June 28, 2011

4 weeks and 1 day

That is how long til my due date for our loss on Thanksgiving. :(

I have been doing really good on not dwelling on that.

But the past two nights have haunted me. I have woken up in a sweat on the verge of tears because I'm dreaming of the baby that should be.

Last nights dream, I remember so well. My sister-in-law was talking about how her baby was coming soon. And I lost it. I started screaming "my baby, my baby" over and over again, just sobbing. It makes me dread for whats to come. More than I have recently. I want so desperately to hold a baby in my arms. I cant even repeat the dream outloud, because I'm scared if I do. I wont be able to be strong. I will crumble. All I told hubs was I dreamt of the baby. I couldn't say any more than that. I didn't want him to cry.

We both have been so emotional the past couple of weeks. Crying every few days about the situation. Our hearts are broken. I have never seen my husband so broken.

I am planning on going down to Arkansas to help my sister after she delivers her baby in a couple of weeks, because the "sperm donor" wont help at all. I'm happy to meet my little nephew but at the same time. I'm dreading the emotions that I know will be there. She is getting her tubes tied. She is 21. I dont understand how women can be so fertile. Im envious. I so wish we could have an oopsie!

We are planning on going on a vacation in August, and that is what I have been focusing on. I have been working out so hardcore the past couple of weeks. I need to lose this last bit of weight before our getaway.

I do have *possibly* good news. I wont believe it til I get a blood test, but so far my temps reflect that I ovulated on Sunday, cycle day 14. Like I said I wont believe it, yet... but I will call my doctor tomorrow and see if they can get me the blood test on Friday. Here is my first ever natural ovulatory(from what I can tell) chart. So far anyways:

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