Tomorrow I would be celebrating my first Mother's Day...with a bouncing 5 month old baby...that is if I hadn't miscarried last April...or if we hadn't lost our second pregnancy I would be around 28 weeks pregnant.
I have been in such a terrible mood, crying constantly for about two weeks...and I kept saying that it wasn't because of the upcoming Mothers day. But that is a lie. I feel so sad, so broken, so angry. I blamed it on my hormones, but I think that is just part of it. I have watched MANY people get pregnant, have babies, get pregnant with #2, etc...and it just makes me so angry. I feel disgusted at the sight of a pregnant belly or a newborn. It churns my stomach, makes me physically ill. Its all I can do not to just cry and cry.
Two nights ago, I lost it. I flat out just had a come apart. I sobbed, shook, couldnt breath, sobbed some more and just honestly wanted to die. All hubs could do was just hold me and pray, because nothing he said could comfort me. I feel like I will never feel ok again until I get that pregnancy that will be the one that I will actually be able to bring home a baby with...
I know that is not a "christian" thing to say, that I wanted to die... but my heart is broken. I am angry at myself for feeling that way. For being angry at God, for wondering why. I hate that I cant stay strong and just know that my time is coming...but is it? Will I actually be able to carry a child in my womb? That thought scares me, more than I can describe.
The diagnosis I have had, makes it so hard to get pregnant and STAY pregnant. And it terrifies me. I see my sister and sister and law and I just sob, I cant stand the thought that they get everything Ive always wanted. And I may never get to carry a baby...my baby. It hurts so much.
I have in the past two weeks been asked if I'm pregnant three times, or better yet today when I went to the mother daughter tea, there were three categories for the door prizes: 1-10 years old, 11-16, and mothers. The lady who said mothers quickly changed it to adults once she realized that I wasn't a mother. How awkward.
Our second wedding anniversary is in 16 days...and I honestly thought by now we would be parents. Oh how my heart hurts this week :'(