So yesterday I kind of had a meltdown on facebook about all the pregnant "friends" complaining...so I put on my status(apparently a big mistake!) "Dont complain or I will call you out." There was more but I have since deleted it, and I honestly cant remember the exact wording. Anyways, a big debate happened.
I still don't feel I was in the wrong. When there are people who would do anything to be where you are, why on earth would you think it would be ok to complain about something as meaningless as the weather...is beyond me.
Well one of my old friends knew it was about her, not completely but she definitely contributed to this melt down. I have had issues with her for awhile. Before my surgery she acted like she was so excited for my surgery, yet after wards I never got so much as a text to say "Hey how are you?" Or "thinking of you!" NOTHING. That hurt me deeply as she is newly pregnant. I was like "Really? Your husband will ask me every time he sees me how I'm doing, but you don't have the love in you to even ask once how I am doing?"
Her defense was that she was busy, well I am sorry but that has been her excuse every single time I have had something bad happen. When I miscarried both times last year I called/texted her and never got so much as an "Im so sorry"..nothing.
She acted like she was too busy to be a friend.
That is her excuse, well then yesterday she said "I have asked others how you are doing". Well I am sorry, but that is not good enough. That is like asking others how Jesus is and expecting to go to heaven. Or asking people how my husband is and having a healthy marriage.....its impossible.
Well then her best friend said some of the most vial things someone has ever said to me and I fully believe that Satan was using this "Christian" to try and destroy me yesterday. An excerpt from what she wrote on my facebook:
You complain constantly Ashley. Maybe if you put in as much energy as you do with resenting pregnant people into your relationship with God, maybe He would bless you with a child. Honestly, I really don't think you're emotionally stable eno...ugh to handle a baby, let alone financially. God knows what He's doing. Try trusting Him a little bit instead of taking everything into your own hands. No matter how hard you try, if God doesn't want to have a baby, you're not going to have one till He says you're ready. Quit being selfish. Get over yourself.
Wow. Just wow. I would like to know where she gets off knowing what Gods will is? I honestly think she totally let Satan use her yesterday, and that's something that she will have to deal with.
Needless to say after me and my friend posted how it REALLY is to be an infertile, she deleted it all and good thing I saved the screen shots to show my husband before she did. God will deal with her. Plain and Simple.
I know in my heart the reason we haven't gotten pregnant yet is because God knew I needed the surgery, not that He COULDN'T heal me, but God DOES heal through medical procedures. I know that my heart is right and yes I deal with emotions and bitterness just as much as the next person, but don't you EVER tell me that its my lack of faith and relationship with God that I cant have a child..because that's just demonic.
So yesterday really just showed me a few things. You never know what people are thinking. You never know the judgmental thoughts people are having about you. I have accepted I will be judged for my thoughts and feelings because I am so open about them...but that is ok. God completely confirmed that I AM IN THE RIGHT yesterday through His word.
My mom opened it randomly it to Psalms 56:
1 Be merciful to me, my God,
for my enemies are in hot pursuit;
all day long they press their attack.
2 My adversaries pursue me all day long;
in their pride many are attacking me.
3 When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
4 In God, whose word I praise—
in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can mere mortals do to me?
5 All day long they twist my words;
all their schemes are for my ruin.
6 They conspire, they lurk,
they watch my steps,
hoping to take my life.
7 Because of their wickedness do not[c] let them escape;
in your anger, God, bring the nations down.
8 Record my misery;
list my tears on your scroll[d]—
are they not in your record?
9 Then my enemies will turn back
when I call for help.
By this I will know that God is for me.
10 In God, whose word I praise,
in the LORD, whose word I praise—
11 in God I trust and am not afraid.
What can man do to me?
12 I am under vows to you, my God;
I will present my thank offerings to you.
13 For you have delivered me from death
and my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before God
in the light of life.
The moment she started reading it to me, I just felt something break off of me. I have been struggling for a few weeks with just a heavy feeling and it totally BROKE OFF yesterday!! I KNOW it was a demonic attack. PRAISE GOD for giving me my peace back!!