Saturday, May 14, 2011

Add one more to the list

I just saw a pic on facebook that suggested yet another person I know is pregnant.

FML.

I mean seriously? Is this some sick joke?

When oh when will it be MY turn?! I pray to God its soon because I really don't know how much more of this I can take...

I have already had a few meltdowns in the past two weeks. Last night's was awful. My marriage is definitely solid, but last night my insecurities just came out like a flood.

My husband deserves someone "better". Someone who can give him children without spending thousands of dollars. Someone who can do a better job taking care of him. I don't know...I just hate all of this. It is all my fault.

Of course he disagrees. And deep down I do too. I love him with all my heart, but I truly think this isn't fair. Its not fair that so many women can just have sex and get knocked up like that and here we are begging and pleading, trying, and trying...and still waiting for our miracle.

A "friend" said that it was debatable if it wasn't fair that she got pregnant before me....I mean really?! She got off bc and then BAM pregnant. They werent even freaking trying. Didn't even want kids yet. UGH. I could go on and on and on..but I will stop there.

I'm just so tired of this. Tired of the emotional exhaustion, the depression, the jealousy.

I don't want this to own me anymore. I don't want infertility to define me, yet it has. In huge ways.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry, I know what u mean about not wanting to let infertility rule but it does become a part of u when the only thing in the world u want is a baby and its all u think about. its so hard to go through when u don't even feel like urself anymore and all u want is to just be happy. I try to explain it to my other friends when they say "maybe if u don't think about it so much it will happen" and I tell him well this is how it is ok, think of say u really want to eat a piece of jerky and u just have to to have it, its all u can think about, and all u want and u just have to have it. haha so it helped them understand better.

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  2. I'm so sorry. I'm right there with you, on every step (surrounded by fertiles and preggos, feeling like my husband deserves 'better', wanting to be more than an infertile...)

    It's so difficult. I tell myself this will make me a better mother, a more sympathetic friend and wife, a stronger person.

    But sometimes, the cup is full already, take it AWAY.

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