Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Emotional Vomit

So this week has been a super emotional one. Except I was able to successfully stuff my emotions til I woke up yesterday. But before I talk about yesterday I'm going to get straight to the point.

Shots start tomorrow.

So here we go, the emotional word vomit is coming.....

I'm nervous about the needles. I am scared about the "what ifs" I mean heck, this is freaking expensive. We have been blessed with the medication for this cycle, but then what?! How one earth will we afford more?? What if we do indeed end up pregnant, will we have multiples?! Will I be able to handle that?! What then? How will we afford that many babies?! I feel so much pressure, and I know I shouldn't. But there are SO MANY people praying and hoping for us and I feel that if I don't get pregnant I'm a disappointment to all of them in addition to already being a devastation to me and hubs. I know all of these emotions are "normal" but geez, I'm freaking out.

Ya know?

So yes. There you have it. My emotional vomit. All over your computer screen.

Ill wait for a moment while you clean that up....

All clean? Ok...

Back to yesterday, just had to get all that out there.

I woke up and I was in a tremendous amount of pain. Between my either broken or bruised tailbone and the severe gas pain under my rib which literally hurts so bad I can barely function(its irritating the nerve in my shoulder) I was miserable. So initially I was sobbing about the pain I was in.

That sobbing turned into an even bigger sob fest because all the emotions I have been holding in started coming out. I pretty much spent most of my day crying. I took a break for work(which only lasted 3 hours) and then got back at it. Took another break to hang out with friends, and yep you guessed it, started as soon as we left there. I cried until about 1am.

Today I feel a ton better.

I apologize for the all-overness this post seems to have.

I just have so much I need to get out there. My emotions feel crazy all over the place. Poor hubs.

3 comments:

  1. Im so glad your feeling better today!!

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  2. Hey Ashley, I'm sorry to hear about the discomfort and pain you had and glad to hear its better today!

    On the other stuff... I went through injects and thought that I COULD NOT do it... I asked DH if he would give them to me instead you know so I didnt have to look... well he was too chicken to do them as well so I ended up doing them in the end. We had 4 injectible cycles. I was a seasoned pro by the end (barely any bruises at that point :P)

    Multiples: Yes it increases the chances but really the point of injectibles is NOT to have a HUGE amount of eggs but to give you better quality eggs. My RE never gave me more then enough to produce more then 2 quality eggs. At the beginnig of the cycle it always looks like maybe 4-6 were growing but in reality by the time I was ready to Ovulated only 2 were "mature" eggs that were released.

    Worries:
    I know your worried, worried about EVERYTHING. About finances, about shattered hopes for you and DH as well as others. Honey the Lord has your future in his hands... your days are already written and HE does take care. This IS for a purpose and one day he will reveal that to you, but for now please continue to pray and keep your faith in the creator of life! Praying especially hard for you these days.
    Sam

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  3. aw Ashley I'm sorry girl! I hate days like that! I know exactly how u feel though about how are we gonna afford this and that if their multiples and how u feel like ur letting everyone down that is having faith and praying for u because thats how I feel right now. I went up for healing and my whole family and some of my friends know all about that story and they know that I'm having faith and believing that I'm going to be pregnant, that I AM pregnant and they are all just waiting to hear the good news of the +hpt! to confirm it,... well the +hpt part isn't happening so far =( and I feel like a failure but God never specified when it would happen or anything I just assumed since I got my healing it would be right after that and I would get pregnant this cycle because everything just seems to fit so perfectly.

    also I talked to My Mom about it all and she was telling me I shouldn't feel like a disappointment to everyone else and that I'm letting them down, my family I know thats true, they would never think that, but some of my friends I feel like I'm letting them down, and if it doesn't happen well what are they going to think, that faith doesn't work then? I'm just worried about that because they don't go to church and I'm trying to be a good influence for them. but what My Mom told me was to take each a at a time, and say "today is the day" and only think of that day, not the one before it or the next day, just today. its so hard to explain all that my Mom said but I just love talking to her cuz its like she always has just the right thing to say to make me feel better and stay hopeful. I know I need to stay strong in my faith but its so hard with all these bfn's and the disappointment it makes me feel. (hugs) girl!

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