Monday, March 28, 2011

Oh my gosh!

Only three more days til surgery!! Its insane to think about, as I have known I need this surgery since July of last year and its FINALLY here. Im praying that God keeps me alive, guides my doctors hands, and I get good results from all of this. (AKA a baby) lol

Saturday, March 26, 2011

5 days and counting....

...til surgery that is. Yep! You read that right, the lap has been scheduled for Thursday morning, March 31st at 9am.

I feel so many different emotions about it to be honest. I am excited, scared, nervous, overwhelmed, etc.

God has really been working in our life, and keeps blessing us!

You want an example you say? O.k. fine, Ill give one to you...
On Tuesday night, my bestest friend texted me and told me that she was going to give me the follistim for my first cycle. Do you realize how much money that saves us? Like close to $1200. I cried. I mean that is incredible. (THANK YOU K!!)

There are two hospitals that we could have had surgery at, and I was praying it would be at St. E's because they have a financial assistance program. Well guess what? St E's called me on Thursday to preregister for my surgery. There's example number two, just in case you wanted another one.

I was really struggling with the thoughts of the fact that God would be leading us down a road that would cause us to go into more debt, and our church just finished up a sermon series on honoring God with your finances and getting out of debt. We started tithing in February, and I just feel that God is being faithful just like His word promises He will!

I am believing for healing through this surgery. I have a feeling our little bundle of joy(s) are coming soon!!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

What Ive Been Thinking About Lately

Well its been such a busy time in my life recently, I have hardly had the time to sit and relax none the less blog. Ive been spending alot more time in the Word and making sure that I'm giving more to God.

Our pastor has been doing a series on financial freedom, and its been AMAZING. I have learned so much, not only on HOW to honor God in our finances, but WHY we should. I feel like God has been speaking to me on so many different levels the past few weeks. I feel stretched in ways I didnt know possible.

For some of you, this may sound weird. But the past few weeks(since Ive started committing more time to God) Ive been having spiritual attacks on my body and emotions. It may sound crazy, but Satan has been using the only part of me he thinks he can use to get at me....which is my fertility.

For about a week and a half, every single time I saw a pregnant friend or even someone who could be "potentially" pregnant I didnt see them...I saw their reproductive system. Almost like an animation, a "vision" if you will. It was TORTURE as I would watch sperm meet egg, fertilized egg travel down the fallopian tubes, and then implant into the uterus thus creating a pregnancy. Thats literally ALL I SAW. It took me rebuking Satan to get it to stop.

At first I thought I was losing my mind, but then my friend told me she believed it was a spiritual attack, and sure enough once I rebuked him, it stopped.

Its been a rough few weeks, but I am feeling closer to God and I am looking forward to whats to come!!

I just wanted to let you know what Ive been going through lately and I want to let all you know that I am constantly praying that you all will get your miracles!

Friday, March 18, 2011

T minus 13 days

Til surgery that is!! I'm on the progesterone and awaiting af. I thought I had O'd on Tuesday, but Im not so sure now...so now we wait. The lap is around the corner!! As long as af arrives like planned.

Im actually really excited about surgery, and knowing that I will be doing injections a few weeks later!! EEEKKK!!!! I know our chances of multiples skyrockets, but you know what ILL TAKE WHATEVER I CAN GET!!!!(Im actually secretly hoping for twins...)

With the fact that I didnt respond to the oral meds this month just makes it that much clearer its going to take something stronger to get me to ovulate and ovulate "right" at that!

It kind of surprised me because I have lost almost 15lbs and I didnt respond at all to the Femara!! They say losing weight helps you respond better to meds, but apparently not......

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

This is not mine!

The following was NOT written by me, but I feel that I MUST share this with all of my readers!!! I got a forwarded email from my second mom and I almost cried when I read it. Its exactly what I needed to hear!!!
___________________________________________________

Sometimes I like to watch news programs that have interesting topics. Many times God will speak to me through something as I am watching.

I was looking for such a program last night; while flipping through the channels I heard a doctor say something that caught my attention. He said 'stress makes it extremely difficult to conceive.'

As I listened I found that when under significant stress, the probability of conception is reduced greatly. I also found that even animals shut down their reproductive functions in times of stress and scarce resources.

As I continued to listen, God began to speak to me. He said 'it is the same in the Spirit, it is very difficult to conceive when you are in stress, fear or anxiety, this is not the breeding ground for a miracle to be conceived.' He went on to say 'it is also very difficult to hear My voice when you are in stress or anxious, you will hear My voice when you are at peace.' 'I am not in chaos; I am a God of peace.'

I began to think about how this alone can be a tool in the enemy's hand against the people of God. When he attacks, stress comes, anxiety comes, and sometimes fear comes. When this happens it is very difficult to hear God, one reason is that we are now seeking Him out of desperation and not faith. As long as stress and anxiety remain, it will be difficult to hear God and even more difficult for you to conceive the miracle you need.

Isn't it interesting that in many cases reproductive functions shut down during times of stress and scarce resources? If you are a Christian, on fire for God, the last thing the enemy wants is for you to reproduce. If he could stop another person from being born again, he would, but he can't, as long as we keep spreading the word and bringing others out of bondage and into the Kingdom of God.

He desires to shut down your reproductive functions and he wants to do that through bringing stress and scarce resources into your life. I realize that when attacks come it is extremely difficult to NOT be stressed; to not feel the pressure of the attack...it IS difficult but not impossible.

For me, when I know the enemy's tactics it helps me a lot. Therefore now knowing that he is trying to stop me from conceiving what God has for me, that alone will empower me to overcome.

The Bible says in Isaiah 26:3 that God will keep us in perfect peace when our mind is stayed upon Him. I know He does this, I have seen Him do it in my life in areas where I should have had no peace, but as I kept my mind upon Him, I had peace.

It is when we get our mind off God and on to the situation that our peace leaves...when our peace leaves...our miracle and its conception is hindered.

Jesus is our Prince of Peace; God is the author of peace. The Bible says that Jesus gave us HIS peace...it is a great peace that can endure the cross and come out the other side. The enemy could not and did not stop Him from reproducing and he can't stop us either...if we will stay in peace.

It is my prayer for you today that whatever challenge or battle the enemy has brought into your life, you refuse to get your mind on the battle, instead keep your eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. It is my prayer that you keep your mind stayed upon God at all times and conceive all He has ordained for you.

Pursue Peace today, resist stress and anxiety - it is the enemy's weapon, give it no place, pursue peace...keep your mind on God.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Waiting and waiting and NOTHING

Well this week has been a busy one. The in-laws were in town, work was crazy, and its finals week at school.

I haven't been very faithful in blogging, and I apologize. Since getting trashed talked by some family members, I have kind of had a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to my blog. I'm going through so much emotionally, that I have really just started to almost suppress it all. I pretty much have cut myself off from talking to most of the family for the time being. They really don't care, and so I don't care to speak to them about any of this.

Sorry to be rambling, but I feel I owe an explanation to alot of my readers about my absence.

I am cd 18 and no positive opk, nothing even close really. They have all stayed the same with an almost visible but ever so faint line for the test line. VERY NEGATIVE opks over here. It breaks my heart, but Im calling the doc to ask for an ultrasound tomorrow morning and then if nothing looks promising in there, I will start the meds to induce af and schedule surgery. *sigh* Im really sad that it has come to this, but Im at peace about surgery and am looking forward to getting it over with and moving onto injections.

Thank you to all my readers, you ladies are the bomb *insert wink*

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Cd 14

AND NOTHING! UGH!!!!! I really am hating my body right now. I am feeling really down about the ovulation tests...they hate me. Actually they don't my body hates me and refuses to work like it should. Even on meds. :(

Monday, March 7, 2011

Can I be blunt for a moment?

I dont want to start any kind of debate, but all of you know that I am a follower of Jesus Christ and I am very set in my beliefs. Anyways, Ive been having an interesting debate on whether or not God is real. And can I just say it makes me SO SAD to see that some people are SOOOO lost that they are making fun of the thought of Hell and it breaks my heart to know that unless these people find God that they will more than likely truly regret the kinds of comments I witnessed tonight.

It breaks my heart that there is such ignorance and that not everyone can see the glory that IS GOD. I love Him with all my heart and that will NEVER change.

BLECK I just needed to get that out!!

Cd 12

Well, today I am on CD 12 and the opks are still negative :(
I'm not gonna give up hope though. I hope to God that its just too early.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The most sensitive pregnancy announcement Ive ever gotten

I received this yesterday on facebook in a message from my friend M. I love her to death for telling me like this. She is one of my best friends and this proves it:


I written and rewritten this message a million times now. I was going to call you, but didn't want to put you on the spot...

I want you to be one of the first people to know that I found Tuesday that I am pregnant. Believe me when I say, while I am so excited, I so much wanted you and Miles to be the first. I love you guys so much and believe with all my heart that God will bless you with babies and that you will be amazing parents. I am honored to have you in my life and so glad that you will (hopefully) have a place in our child's heart and life.

I know that your surgery is coming up (praying you get pregnant this cycle so you don't need it!) and I'm so excited for you and Miles.

I wanted you to know so that you didn't A. hear it through the grapevine and B. hear it on the spot and feel like you had to hide the hurt. I hate that this will probably make you hurt. For that I pray that our friendship grows stronger and that God would comfort you and surround you with supportive people until your baby comes.

I understand completely if you need time. We will not plan on coming tonight if that is easier for you - please just let me know how I can support you. Again - D & I love you and Miles so much and you are in our prayers more often than you may think.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Todays Youtube Video Update

Warning, I cry ALOT in this video!!

Its March already!?

Hello all, I have a moment to write a post out, so here goes :)

I took my last Femara pill last night. I am not feeling any activity in my ovaries yet and that is kind of worrying me. I know, I know, it takes time right? I sure hope so.

It is March 3rd so surgery is in approximately 28 days. Unless of course I get my BFP. Which I guarantee will cause me to probably walk around in a teared up fog for a few days at least.

I want you ladies to forgive me, but I probably wont do a TTC update around that time unless we are having surgery because I know in-laws read this and IF we were to conceive I wouldn't want them to read about it here. It has been a long time coming and we want to do something special :)

I have been in la-la land for about a week. I keep dreaming about babies, and thinking about nursery themes, baby names, etc. I have been spending a lot of time in Psalms and just thanking God for what we have, rather than what we don't have. However, I am still feeling cautious about this cycle.

I'm trying to mentally prepare myself for surgery and injections. I know I am ready, but I am still so scared of the unknown and what the future may hold.

The next two weeks are going to be insane for me, I have school that is ending on the 17th and its peak busy season at work. But after that I promise my posts will be a lot more frequent than they have been!

Thank you to all my readers, you guys are awesome!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Update and random thoughts

Its a crazy crazy time at work these days. I havent had much time to post or even think about posting. But Im going to take a lil moment out of my day off to let you guys know whats going on and somethings that I have been thinking about.

First off, I have taken 3 pills of Femara, and tonight will be my 4th. Yesterday I was MAJORLY bloated. And I dont think I ate corn.....so I have no idea what was wrong. Maybe the femara? Ive been having headaches since starting it, but I hear that's a normal and expected side effect.

Ok now onto my random thoughts that I have been having and what not.

I have been day dreaming alot about my baby(ies) and the desire in my heart is definitely aflame. My due date will be December 1st if I conceive this cycle. Which just happens to be 2 days before my birthday! Ive thought of baby names and found a couple more that I adore!! I havent let myself look at nursery things yet....Plus I dont think there are any new themes since the last time I looked! That will probably happen in a couple weeks :) haha

I really really really am fighting to stay positive. There have been a few moments this week where I feel like everyone is going to have kids before me(which most already have one). Im fighting off the feelings of bitterness about my situation. I dont want to be upset and bitter that everyone around me is pregnant.

I dreamt I delivered a beautiful baby boy. We shall see. We are hoping for a girl, hubs has a more specific prayer. He wants non-identical twin girls, one with blonde hair, and one with brown hair. It cracks me up, but he is completely serious. I love that he is already trying to prepare to be a daddy. I catch him reading the "Early Years Parenting" magazine. As often as they come in, it melts my heart for sure. I just hope I can make him a daddy soon....I know its hard for me to see his bro and wife being pregnant...but I know that its hard on him too. :(

Sorry Ive been missing!

Its a crazy crazy time at work these days. I havent had much time to post or even think about posting. But Im going to take a lil moment out of my day off to let you guys know whats going on and somethings that I have been thinking about.

First off, I have taken 3 pills of Femara, and tonight will be my 4th. Yesterday I was MAJORLY bloated. And I dont think I ate corn.....so I have no idea what was wrong. Maybe the femara? Ive been having headaches since starting it, but I hear that's a normal and expected side effect.

Ok now onto my random thoughts that I have been having and what not.

I have been day dreaming alot about my baby(ies) and the desire in my heart is definitely aflame. My due date will be December 1st if I conceive this cycle. Which just happens to be 2 days before my birthday! Ive thought of baby names and found a couple more that I adore!! I havent let myself look at nursery things yet....Plus I dont think there are any new themes since the last time I looked! That will probably happen in a couple weeks :) haha

I really really really am fighting to stay positive. There have been a few moments this week where I feel like everyone is going to have kids before me(which most already have one). Im fighting off the feelings of bitterness about my situation. I dont want to be upset and bitter that everyone around me is pregnant.

I dreamt I delivered a beautiful baby boy. We shall see. We are hoping for a girl, hubs has a more specific prayer. He wants non-identical twin girls, one with blonde hair, and one with brown hair. It cracks me up, but he is completely serious. I love that he is already trying to prepare to be a daddy. I catch him reading the "Early Years Parenting" magazine. As often as they come in, it melts my heart for sure. I just hope I can make him a daddy soon....I know its hard for me to see his bro and wife being pregnant...but I know that its hard on him too. :(
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