Thursday, January 27, 2011

An explanation and tears

Well, I feel that I should explain myself more as to why I am so upset about my SIL being pregnant. Yes part of it is the due date, part of it is just pure jealousy, but the biggest part. Oh the biggest part. I really just dont even know how to explain it, but I will try my best.

I am the oldest of four kids. My parents always told me I would be the one to get all the firsts(I hated being the oldest, but this was their way of making it all better). The first car, first one to go to college, first one to get married, and first one to have a baby. Well that didnt happen. My sister got pregnant on my wedding weekend with some guy and my nephew arrived almost a year ago(wow has it been that long already?!)
Even though I adore my nephew, its been hard to deal with that. To top it off she is now expecting #2. Due a week before I was. :'( Once again I will adore my niece/nephew, but this is just so hard to deal with.

So when my sister got pregnant, I told myself well at least I would have my husband's family to bring in the next grandchild. I tried to find the positive in the situation, and that is what I found. And I held onto it for dear life. I prayed that God would allow me to get pregnant before my SIL(we got married first), so that I could at least have this small victory. It sounded perfect, because they told us they didnt want kids for like another five years. It doesnt help she is due around my moms birthday and 4 days after I was supposed to be. I think it would be so much easier(or at least a lil bit easier) if we had a good relationship. I dont know why she hates me, or dislikes me or whatever...but Ive tried so hard to build a relationship with her. She is just not interested.

I am really struggling with being happy for her, as a matter of fact at this point: Im not. And I have no shame in that. Im quite mad at God, and its going to be awhile before Im ok about this. I will state though, that Im so excited to have another niece/nephew to spoil.

So if you are apart of our family and reading this and you have a problem with it. Thats on you. Im grieving for the baby we lost, and the baby we want so badly. If you judge me(and hubs) for having these feelings, then again that is on you. It is between you and God. But as far as me and my hubs are concerned, we are broken-hearted. We have cried together alot in the past two days. And God will need to heal our hearts, in time.

I just wanna say thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. I can not tell you how much that meant to me!

4 comments:

  1. *sigh* you didn't even really have to explain yourself. There is a huge intangible list of things that seem normal to other folk but can hit a woman dealing with fertility in the chest like a ton of bricks.

    I just hope you do heal and don't lose sight of the many blessings you do have...but it is HARD. I KNOW it is.

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  2. Hang in there! I'm praying for you and your hubby.

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  3. One of the things I hate most about infertility is how it robs me of the joy of *other people's* pregnancies. I want to be happy for them, the close friends and sister-in-laws, but I just can't.

    I try to forgive myself for that.

    This is a difficult road we walk. I hope yours ends with a baby (or two, or three) very soon.

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  4. I agree with Wonder Woman. No need to explain yourself. Dealing with IF is tough and sometimes there's just no way to explain the emotions.

    But... maybe this will help a little... I gave you a blog award! You can check it out on my blog!

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