Friday, January 28, 2011

We Have A Plan!

So after several long talks and praying ALOT we have finally come up with our TTC plan.
First we will plan on doing surgery in March, later in the month preferably. Then start injects. In the mean time Im working out hardcore and trying to lose as much weight as possible prior to going in for surgery. We are praying that if this isnt what God wants us to do, then He will shut the doors, but we both feel at peace with this decision.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

An explanation and tears

Well, I feel that I should explain myself more as to why I am so upset about my SIL being pregnant. Yes part of it is the due date, part of it is just pure jealousy, but the biggest part. Oh the biggest part. I really just dont even know how to explain it, but I will try my best.

I am the oldest of four kids. My parents always told me I would be the one to get all the firsts(I hated being the oldest, but this was their way of making it all better). The first car, first one to go to college, first one to get married, and first one to have a baby. Well that didnt happen. My sister got pregnant on my wedding weekend with some guy and my nephew arrived almost a year ago(wow has it been that long already?!)
Even though I adore my nephew, its been hard to deal with that. To top it off she is now expecting #2. Due a week before I was. :'( Once again I will adore my niece/nephew, but this is just so hard to deal with.

So when my sister got pregnant, I told myself well at least I would have my husband's family to bring in the next grandchild. I tried to find the positive in the situation, and that is what I found. And I held onto it for dear life. I prayed that God would allow me to get pregnant before my SIL(we got married first), so that I could at least have this small victory. It sounded perfect, because they told us they didnt want kids for like another five years. It doesnt help she is due around my moms birthday and 4 days after I was supposed to be. I think it would be so much easier(or at least a lil bit easier) if we had a good relationship. I dont know why she hates me, or dislikes me or whatever...but Ive tried so hard to build a relationship with her. She is just not interested.

I am really struggling with being happy for her, as a matter of fact at this point: Im not. And I have no shame in that. Im quite mad at God, and its going to be awhile before Im ok about this. I will state though, that Im so excited to have another niece/nephew to spoil.

So if you are apart of our family and reading this and you have a problem with it. Thats on you. Im grieving for the baby we lost, and the baby we want so badly. If you judge me(and hubs) for having these feelings, then again that is on you. It is between you and God. But as far as me and my hubs are concerned, we are broken-hearted. We have cried together alot in the past two days. And God will need to heal our hearts, in time.

I just wanna say thank you to everyone who commented on my previous post. I can not tell you how much that meant to me!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

FML

My Sister in law is pregnant.
The one thing I begged God to spare me from...to not make me watch her be pregnant and bring a baby into this world...
He didnt listen.
I cant describe the pain I feel right now. Oh but it gets better, she is due only 4 days after I was, and either on or right before my Mom's birthday...yep thats right. Figures huh, God took my baby and gave her one...
FML

I have never felt more useless. More forgotten. More hurt.
I cant stop crying, shaking, and I feel like I may just puke.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

An award!

I would love to thank Lisa from The Pursuit of Pregnancy for this lovely award :D



The rules for accepting this award are:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

7 very random things about me!
One. I only have one good kidney.
Two. I broke my toe attempting to hurdle a couch when I was 16.
Three. I love lifting weights
Four. I love spicy food, the spicier the better!!!
Five. Im terrified of balloons and swings
Six. Im allergic to grass, trees, ragweed, mold, mildew, cockroaches!!, corn pollen, and suspected allergies of corn and possibly dairy and/or wheat. Bolded ones can make me go into anaphylactic shock.
Seven. I have been cooking since I was 12.

15 of my favorite blogs! (In no particular order)
1. Is it my turn yet?
2. for we are bound by symmetry
3. From If to When
4. Diary of a Mad Infertile Woman
5. Walking a Mile in My Shoes
6. The Mares Family
7. Bottoms Off and On the Table
8. The Causes of Happiness
9. A Peek in Our World
10. My Dusty Uterus
11. Single Infertile Female..now what?
12. STFU Fertiles
13. Love Life Endo
14. The Inadequate Conception
15. The Rest Is Still Unwritten

Monday, January 24, 2011

Lap: May or August?

I have a question for all of you! We are debating on doing the lap in early May or early August. Which do you think would be better?
Pros of May: More months this year to get pregnant, sooner
Cons of May: May have less summer to enjoy
Pros of August: More months to save money, farther away(yes I consider this a pro because Im terrified of surgery)
Cons of August: FARTHER AWAY!! lol less months before the end of the year.

HELP ME. Any suggestions? Hubs is ok with either, I just dont wanna risk losing my summer, yet I dont wanna wait!!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

A shocking reaction and tears in an embarrassing place...

Today we went shopping, because I needed some new work clothes. I bought a whole bunch of stuff last weekend, but now they are falling off. So I ended up taking alot of stuff back. Im actually excited about alot of my outfits haha! I love shopping.

Today however I shocked myself with a terrible attitude. Lately I have been quite content in waiting to TTC again. But today, oh today..it was a different story. We went into JCPenneys, and there was a pregnant woman with a big freaking pregnany belly and I swear she was following me.

But anyways when I saw her, I literally hissed like a cat, scrunched up my face and shook my fist.

Then I stopped and just busted out laughing that I just did that. I mean really?! It took me and my husband by surprise....He couldn't believe what had just happened...and quite honestly, neither could I. Immediately after realizing what just happened, I made the comment "I will blog about this later". I had no idea I had such terribly disgusted feelings about pregnant women inside of me.

To follow that reaction to a pregnant woman, I decided it was best to go into the baby section of Penney's and torture myself. Because well, that just sounded like a fantastic idea at the time. And that is where it happened. Hubs made the very stupid comment that God was going to punish me by making me have all boys, because I always look at the baby girl's dresses.

And it washed over me, the tears flooded my eyes and I just couldn't stop what was about to occur. Needless to say, hubs felt terrible and held me til I stopped crying. He knew he said the WRONG thing...he apologized over and over again. Talk about embarrassing....

Well anywho...Im on cycle day 6 and wondering if this will be the month I finally O on my own? Who knows what God has in store...

Friday, January 21, 2011

Welcome To ICLW!

Welcome to all of you who has stumbled upon my blog through ICLW!! Im very excited to be apart of it again this month! My TTC timeline is on the side bar so I wont bore you with all the details! :)

For those of you who read my New Job post, there was alot of concern and I so appreciate it!! I was very concerned after that interview, but needing a job and knowing I would love this one. I took it. I have worked every day since Monday(except Tuesday) and I can honestly say I love my job. Everyone who works there is incredibly nice, and I got a surprise on Wednesday. Remember how I noted that the asst. manager is trying for a baby...

She has been trying for around 5 years! The only thing left for them to do is IVF. I wont blog about her whole situation, because well that is her business. But I do kinda of feel relieved, not because she is infertile. But because this is the first time I have had the pleasure of talking to someone in real life about this. She is alot farther in the journey, but it still is nice.

So I ended up asking my boss about the comment she made in the interview, and she apologized. She said that she has watched C go through the past 5 years, and so she sympathizes with me(as much as she can). And when I do get pregnant, she will be over the moon, because she believes children are a blessing. My job is not on the line. And she hopes it happens for us.

So wow! Its been a crazy week getting to know a new job, new co-workers, and learning that my boss and manager are very ok with the situation and heck they have been dealing with this situation for five years. Knowing my boss will understand doctor appointments and emotions and such is a huge relief!!

All in all, welcome to my blog and I would love to see you become a follower if you are not one already! Its been a slow week with blog posts purely because of starting a new job has been well quite exhausting. But I will try to get a new one up at least every other day for the week anyways. Until next time....

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

My New Job

Well as mentioned in the previous post, I had a job interview over the weekend. Well I got the job! Im nervous because the asst manager is trying for a baby(I havent mentioned our issues or the fact that we are). Actually in the interview, the lady asked me if I was pregnant or trying to be. I told her it was impossible right now and she proceeded to say "well we try and time these things around here". I wont lie, I was taken very aback and wasnt really sure how to react. Definitely caught me off guard. So now Im really on edge about what IF we do get pregnant? Will I lose my job? Bleck! Idk, its so hard to judge.
I started yesterday and I love the job. Its alot to take in, even though Ive done this before. Each store has different standards, and rules, and the way they do things. And this store is WAY different than DB. Which is probably a great thing. lol

Friday, January 14, 2011

What a busy week!

Life has been super crazy this week, first off we came home on Sunday during the storm. That was the scariest ride of my life! Seriously. Here is what hubs wrote about it on our family website as he was the one driving:

For all those who were wondering we did finally make it home last night at 9. So the normally 6 to 7 hour trip only took 11 hours. The roads were bad but the drivers were worse. At the start of our trip on a onramp a pickup two cars ahead did three and a half spins before parking it sideways on the shoulder. On the interstate some trucks passed us and when that happened you could not see anything for 5 to 10 seconds. Scary. But we saw two of those trucks for sure in the ditch later on. A couple more may have been. Finally we are 20 miles out of lincoln roads are good a little bit of snow pack in the left lane. I start passing a truck and for no reason and with no bliinker he swerves into my lane. I hit the brakes and skid around a little and came about 1 ft from hitting him. Then he pulled back in to his lane and I drove past him. Stupid truckers

Now that you have a little view of how our trip home went, you can just imagine by the time the last incident with the semi happened, I was in tears. At that point, I was crying saying, "Just get me home" over and over again. Thankfully not too much longer and we were safe and sound at home. A trip that should have been less than 7 hours, took us 11 hours. Poor hubs had to drive the whole way as with my back issues I really cant handle driving for more than an hour, and in those conditions..well I just trusted him more!

Due to that storm, we ended up having a snow day on Monday. That was really nice as we were just exhausted from the day before. I had alot of issues with school this week. I accidentally withdrew from a class, and it took four hours to get back into it with two trips to school and alot of emails. I am taking all my classes online, and that professor was home with the flu. So thats why it was so difficult to get things going. Plus it didnt help that the schools registrar were just terrible. Then two days later, another prof accidently took me out of their class. I wasnt happy. Especially since my financial aid was on the line. Needless to say this week has been so beyond stressful!!

Yesterday I decided to call a few bridal shoppes in town to see if they were hiring as that is my area of specialty, not to mention I LOVE it. The two places I called are hiring, and I already have an interview for the morning!! I really hope I am offered a job with decent hours. We need the money now more than ever. Please pray that I go through the door that God wants me to! We have been praying for a job that not only will pay the bills, but one that I will love.

Tonight was date night and we went to a movie.
Hubs showed up at our front door, rang the doorbell, and presented me with these:


So beautiful! I love all the colors. He is the best! :)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Randomness

I got alot of positive feedback about my previous post
Thank you ladies for ALL of your support!!!

This week I've been hanging out with my family and helping them pack and remodel! Its been some hard work!! Drywall is so NOT fun to deal with! My back has been acting up, but it will be ok! Im looking forward to going home. We have been on the road since Christmas Eve!

Im so eager to getting home, and starting the change in our diet! I called my allergist this morning and she said to keep a food diary and any symptoms for the next few weeks and then call and set up the appointment to get tested. It was reassuring that the nurse said that she thinks Im not losing my mind. Something is obviously going on, its just a matter of what.

I cant wait to get home also because Im starting back with working out. I've been chomping at the bit!!! Im ready to get this weight OFF!!!

School started back yesterday for me, I am NOT excited. But it will be over by St. Patties Day! Thank GOODNESS!!!
Hopefully by then I have a full time job and then I can stop going to school for the time being!! I really hope I can pull out this term grade wise like I did last term! In my opinion nothing can be as hard for me as Spanish...lol Ok, thats a lie. :)

Sorry for the messy random post, but I dont really have much to say! Its been a low key busy week. Im spending the weekend in Denver which I am UBER excited about. I get to FINALLY meet up with two of my friends from TWW for the first time!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Prophecy?

So today I had a very interesting thing happen. Im a firm believer in the fact that kids can say things that are well, from God. "Out of mouth of babes" lol.

Well ok rewind about 10 years, my mom said that for a month we(my bro, sis, and I) kept telling her that she was pregnant. She didnt believe us, she had just gotten on birth control and they had tried for 9 years and had given up the idea of having another baby. Well I bet you can guess who was right....lol and my little sister just turned 10.

Ok so now go back to a few months ago, my mom was having issues where she wouldnt stop bleeding. The docs ran some tests, but she went to a health food store and my lil sister(the then 9 year old) held up progesterone and said "Mom, I think you need this!". Ok what 9 year old knows what progesterone is, and knows how it can effect the female body!? The doc confirmed a few days later that progesterone was INDEED what my mom was lacking. Hmmm....

Ok now lets go back a few hours. I am visiting my parents, I get to come about 2x a year. So I was sitting in the living room and my sister says "So does it hurt when they kick? I think the blood drained from my face, my stomach went in knots and I stumbled out the words "umm sis, Im not pregnant". She looked embarassed and then went on to say "Oh, well you will be soon, and when you have them you have to promise me that you will bring them to play with me. Hmmm......

Ok not going to lie, I got chills when I realized what she had just said. Im feeling renewed hope. Even if my lil sister isnt right in all that she said, I just feel our breakthrough is coming. And she reminded me of that.

Oh did you notice how she kept saying them???? :)

Life changing epiphany

Today I was sitting at the table enjoying my KFC lunch. I got what I always get, the 2 piece meal with a side of mashed potatoes and corn. I was enjoying my corn(its one of my fav "veggies") when it hit me. I knew that I was allergic to corn pollen, but never took my thought past that.

Rewind a few days, I was talking to my MIL about how Im so sick all the time and we don't know why. She asked if I had been tested for food allergies, I told her I requested to be but the doc said that I didn't need them. Idiot doctor.

So as I was sitting here enjoying my yummy corn, I made the joke to my mom about how I probably shouldn't eat it because Im allergic to corn pollen. She then laughed and added that I probably shouldn't eat high fructose corn syrup either....

I sat there for a minute thinking about what she said, and then it just hit me. This is my allergy, this is why I am SO SICK. Over the summer we eliminated most processed foods and I had never felt better. Lately I have been falling back into feeling sick all the time. I never thought about the fact that I am allergic was contributing to my being sick all the time, but the timeline says it all. For the past 4 years I have been fighting being sick all the time. With no explanations. 4 years ago is when I moved to Nebraska: The Corn State...

I had already been planning to cut out alot of processed foods to lose weight, but now realizing what I am dealing with.. Im going to have to cut all corn products out. Which means Im about to have to transform into a susy homemaker. I will be making all of our foods from scratch. Im a good cook and all, but this is going to force me to put more thought into what we eat and in preparing the meals we need.

No more going out to fast food, and what not. This is going to force me into a lifestyle change. I wont be able to avoid the corn pollen til we are able to move, but we wont be able to move til Hubs graduates from Grad school, but rest assured this does mean more than likely we will be moving away from Nebraska.
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