Sunday, December 12, 2010

Why oh why do I do this to myself?

So the past couple of weeks I have just been kinda numb and angry, but in a way I think I am stuffing it down so as not to express it to others. I am currently waiting til after the new year to pursue counseling as we are just too busy now as it is. Im sitting here, avoiding homework even though finals are this week I just dont feel up to studying physically OR emotionally. So since Im so bored, I logged onto my favorite forum, and went to stalk the July DD boards. The boards that I was a member of for ~oh so short period of time~ :( Its so hard, and I have no idea why I just did that to myself. Why do I feel it necessary to torture myself like that? Or better yet, go to all of my preggo friends on facebooks walls and just read every pregnancy update they have. AM I CRAZY!? Yes, I have concluded I AM crazy. We have finally resigned ourselves to the fact that it will be another 2 years before we are holding our precious miracle in our arms. Quite honestly, that scares the sh#t out of me. I will be 25 at that time. Ya know I always said I wanna be done with kids by the time Im 30, but now Im not so sure that will happen..we are both members of larger families(4 siblings in each) and want a large family of our own. Not sure if that will happen now or not, but honestly Im praying that it does. I guess the knowledge of how hard next week will be is really starting to get to me. I really need a vacation, but this vacation will be filled with nothing but the what ifs and the should haves. The only thing that could possibly help next week be ok is if we found out we were pregnant, but I dont see that happening

2 comments:

  1. Sorry girl. I torture myself by doing things like that too. I don't know why!! Hang in there. I hope you end up pregnant this cycle. FX

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  2. I have no idea why we do this!! lol, I hope everything is going great for you and that IVF is exactly the answer you guys need to get your miracle!!

    ReplyDelete

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