Its been an especially difficult month, as you read in this previous post dealing with everything that happened the week of Thanksgiving and my birthday.
One of hub's cousins and his brother has gotten married in the past year, and another is engaged. With that, I have been trying really hard to prepare myself just incase, I mean the holidays are the perfect time to announce a pregnancy right? Thats what I thought. And I just keep expecting just that.
Honestly, Im terrified of it. Like, I have no idea how I will react. And that in itself scares me. I mean, I am not the best person at pretending to be ok. I kind of wear my feelings where everyone can see them. I can't help it.
If someone announces it, there is absolutely no way I would be able to put a smile on my face and say congratulations. I guarantee that I will burst into tears. And Im embarrassed to think about it! I plan on at least trying to be ok, but with how fragile I feel right now, there are no guarantees.
I can honestly say, I really thought we would be pregnant by this Christmas. Deep down, I just knew. And we were, but I wasnt expecting that we wouldn't stay pregnant.
To top it off, today is the due date of our first early loss... and my sisters 10th birthday. We were planning to spend this part of the week with her and the rest of my family in Colorado, but of course because I havent had enough crappy stuff to deal with this month, I got dry socket after getting my wisdom teeth pulled on the 9th. So we are stuck at home til after the 1st (because we have commitments with the inlaws til the 2nd). So the hubs is working the rest of the week, which I know he isnt too thrilled about, but its necessary so we can go the first week of January to see my family.
I am just trying to focus on the good, and pray to God to make it through the holidays with the least amount of tears as possible. Definitely praying for every infertile woman this Christmas season. Our hearts are broken, our wombs are empty, but we will make it through this! One day we will be on "the other side", one way or another.