Tonight, I got to talk to my friend Jessie for the first time on the phone for months. She is the one who her precious baby passed away about a month and a half ago due to T18. You can find her blog here.
Im sitting here drinking my mint tea, listening to Christmas music and thinking about that heartfelt conversation I had with her. She told about the book she is reading, and it touched on the story of Lazarus(found in John 11:1-45). Essentially it talked about how when Jesus was told that Lazarus was sick, He didn't run straight to him. He knew the miracle that was about to be. It says in Luke 11:3 "Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick." They didn't say Lazarus, they specified "the one he loved". I mean God loves us all, but I do believe there was a special relationship there. I believe that this was His friend. It goes on to say in verse 4, When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.
Right there He says this sickness in not unto death. Wow, that to me is powerful. Because as we have read, Lazarus does die. Jesus purposely waits 2 days to pass before going to him. As my friend stated, " He knew of the miracle to come". I mean come on, Lazarus had to die for Christ's plan to be followed out. God used him, in his pain to show the Glory that is Christ.
Another thing my friend pointed out was that as they were going to Lazarus in verse 35 (yes it is the shortest verse in the bible) that Jesus wept.. But as she went on to tell me "it wasn't because He was sad, He knew the hearts of those He loved were hurting. He knew of the miracle that was to come, yet His heart hurt for those who were hurting."
Just sit there for a moment and let that sink in.
Are you back? Did you just get chills? Because I did. Actually when I heard her say that. I flat out started to sob.
It goes on to tell us that Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead and people saw and believed in Him. I have always said that if I have to go through infertility, then to God be the glory. Let Him use me as He has planned.
I have to confess. The past month I haven't felt that way. I've been bitter and just flat out angry at God. I haven't wanted to go to church, or even pray for that matter. I actually got scared because I will honestly tell you, out of everything I have been through in my life. I have never felt like this with God before. My faith has never waivered, but recently I've been struggling. I say this because as of tonight, I am claiming my faith back. I will not let the devil take from me that is supposed to be God's. I will continue to believe that we will have our baby. In His timing. I do not know what will be His timing, but I honestly don't believe that He would give me this desire, without providing a way for me to be a mommy.