Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Decisions, decisions, decisions

The more I look into all of our options, the more nervous I start to feel about the magnitude of what we may be facing with my health and fertility.

If indeed I do have Endo (which to be honest I believe whole heartedly I do) the risks of the disease, and how it effects not only your health but fertility.

I have a dear friend who progressed very quickly, in February she had one spot, by june it had progressed to I believe it was level III and she is about to lose a tube due to the damage it has caused. That freaks me out to be honest.

Our stories are so similar, what if my tubes are destroyed? What if my ovaries have been severely damaged by this disease? What if unbeknownst to us, our only chances are through IVF?

I never in a million years would have thought that I would be facing the things I am right now. I have started to look into different choices in this journey that I never thought I would have to face. IVF vs Adoption. Hmm, the choice is so personal, so hard to make.

I know I really shouldn't worry about any of this yet, as we don't even have confirmation yet. Unfortunately I am one of those people who cant help but worry.

Last night I asked hubs a "would you rather". I proceeded to ask him if we were given $20,000 to use to build our family, would he rather spend it on IVF or adoption. Of course he said IVF, which normally wouldn't disappoint me. For some reason it did disappoint me. I would wanna do adoption.

I've never had the heart for adoption before. I never thought it would apply to me. I know the hubs wants to do everything in our power to have biological kids, and Im really not opposed to that and more than likely that is something we will pursue before adoption. But I have a feeling this is a choice we will have to make. All I know is, I am ready for a baby to love. Whether that baby comes from my womb or is placed in my arms.

3 comments:

  1. There are no guarnatees with IVF and you know that, maybe your reasoning for leaning more towards adoption (Its more of a sure thing). Sweetheart trust the Lord and that he has plans for you, bigger plans then you could have ever imagined! Place your worries at the foot of the cross and leave them there, He will get you through this lean on Him for answers not on doctors or on our understand of how things may or may not play out. Praying you find comfort in our Lord and Saviour.

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  2. I know how hard it is to stay optimistic. I just wanted to say that until you have some more invasive testing done (HSG, lap), there is no reason to think you won't be able to conceive with less than IVF, though I admit that as soon as I had my HSG that's where my mind went. I had a tube that was blocked from the scar tissue of my endo, and through the lap it was opened up...even with damage, sometimes there are things that can be done.

    There is also the endo diet. Basically you drastically reduce gluten, dairy, sugars, etc. I looked into it but hadn't started it. It would be a hard diet for me to do, but it's something that people who do it claim isn't so bad once you get used to it.

    There are also some good endometriosis forums out there. I was part of one and have completely forgotten the name. But finding an entire site/forum that is dedicated to endo was really helpful for me...they know what they are talking about and they sympathize.

    I know how hard it is to give it all up and trust that God knows what he's doing. There is a reason for all of this, and hopefully someday (soon) you'll be able to look at the experience and know what the reason was. And again, I don't downplay how hard that is to do--believe me, I know!

    I will keep praying that you get your miracle, Ashley.

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  3. I'm sorry Ashley, I have these exact thoughts all the time. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this because sometimes thats the hardest part for me, feeling like God singled me out to be inferile. But then I remember that I'm not the only one and when he gives me my baby (what ever way he sees fit) it will be perfect.

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