Monday, November 8, 2010

This may sound selfish but I dont care

My heart is broken, the one thing I yearn for... It burns so deep in me. I plead with God on a daily basis. I just want the chance to be a mother. I had to find out on Facebook today that my sister is 9 weeks pregnant. What possessed her to write it on Facebook without telling me? She claims it was to save my feelings, but I seriously doubt that. My heart hurts. The one thing I beg for, He seemingly just passes out to every woman who spreads her legs. Graphic, I know. Do I care? No. Its true. What did I do to deserve this? She gets her second baby (her son, my nephew is 9 months old) ON birth control and using condoms....and Im sitting here bding at the right times, being injected with so many different meds/hormones that I feel crazy, constant monitoring, pokes, prods, we beg God for our chance. All He says is no. I want to believe that God loves me, but this very moment makes me feel so forgotten. How is this fair? I love my sister, but she smoked her entire pregnancy with my nephew. She isnt with the father of either baby. I just dont understand. I know everyone makes mistakes but tell me this...how is this fair?

5 comments:

  1. I understand how you feel. It's ok to feel this way, deal with the anger and the hurt. But, please, believe this....God has a plan for you. He has a perfect child chosen just for you, and the timing has to be perfect for that child to be yours. He loves you. Take care...blessings.

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  2. Thank you for your response. I know God has a plan, and I know its in our best interest, but sometimes I just wonder where the justice and fairness is? How can someone who is contemplating abortion be allowed to conceive and Im begging, and nothing. :( Im going to be spending ALOT of time in prayer about this. I cant turn my back on God, but I need some peace because this almost broke me today. I have never in my life reacted like that before.

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  3. Ashley, I to have these questions sometimes about the unfairness, i have a lot of family members that had their "oopsie" babies smokig during pregnancy etc.

    And i guess the only response i seem to be coming across about that is life is unfair, unfair because of sin. God did not cause your infertility, yes He can take it away but He did not cause it Sin did. And YES He has the power to take IF away but know that He is going to turn your IF into something for your good and His glory. Believe that one day sweetheart YOU will have that child you so longed for and it will be the right time and maybe you will learn more things along the way. Maybe you will get even More closer with your Lord and Saviour. But believe hun, please believe imagine what it would be like going through this NOT having Him to guide you.
    Lots of prayers being sent your way these days!
    Sam

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  4. Ashley, go and get the following book to read or on cd to listen to....
    "The God I Love" by Joni Earekson Tada. It is such a wonderful read on so many levels. I think her story is so inspiring. She too was very disappointed when she was unable to conceive. All doctors told her at the time was that she was too type A to conceive!!! I felt so bad for her when I read this. As if it wasn't enough that she was paralyzed now she was denied having her own children. I she is at the top of my list of Christian heros. Please read this!!! I know it will strengthen your faith!!
    Love you
    Auntie Carrie!

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  5. All I can say is that I feel your pain so much right now. Your blog could be my own blog. Word for word most of the time. I am pretty bummed out right now about it. Everywhere I turn I found out that a friend from college is having kids and most of them are having their second baby now. I feel so left out and hopeless. Our situation is pretty hopeless on the medical front now but I hold some faith somewhere deep inside that this is just in God's hands now. It's the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. My mentally stability went out the window when we found out all of the fertility stuff.

    My sister has two little girls. She is one of the worst mother's on this planet. She might be my sister but that's the damn truth. She also had 3 abortions before having her two girls. WTF? And I can't just have one? None of it makes sense sometimes.

    I wish we knew each other in real life. Because I feel so alone in all of this.

    I hope that this cycle goes well for you. I HOPE AND PRAY WITH ALL OF MY HEART THAT IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU!!

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