Monday, November 22, 2010

My heart has never been so broken

Today I got the news I was so scared to get. My heart is JUST so broken right now, I will attempt to write through my tears. So Im sorry if this comes out a little messy or if it doesnt make sense. On Thursday I went in and got a beta done, and the number came back as 8. Anything over 5 is pregnant, one nurse said it could be left over trigger, the other said she thought it was early pregnancy...I seriously felt pregnant....but I will never know which it was. But todays was negative, so its over either way. My heart feels shattered. I had such exciting plans, couldnt wait to tell our parents over the holiday. Its the one time we would have been with them in person at the same time and it would have been perfect. I feel like a failure, I feel like I cant do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. I cant make my husband a daddy and my heart just aches because of it. This weekend it was so nice to hear him talk about a baby, being a daddy, rubbing my tummy, saying he wants a little girl. The fact that I cant get pregnant, really just seems cruel. I knew it was too good to be true. I guess we will be taking that holiday maternity shirt back. Wow, my heart just hurts. The fact of the matter is, my body hasnt worked on its own at all, ever. And now that we will be stopping treatments, I feel utterly hopeless. Maybe being a mommy just isnt in His plan for my life.

6 comments:

  1. Ashley hun i'm soo sorry... I dont know what to say i've been there i've felt those emotions too many times and have felt those emotions during this time of year (through holidays) and know that it makes it just THAT more devastating.... Praying He heals your heart

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  2. I'm so sorry that this isn't it for you. I was keeping my hopes up that today's beta would come back nice and high for you. **HUGS**
    I know how devastating this is, how disappointing, frustrating, heartbreaking.
    The grief is consuming, but I just know you'll have your LO. **HUGS**

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  3. Ashley, I'm sorry. I know how devastating this can be, especially on months like the one you've had where you really get your hopes up and imagine all the wonderful moments that come with finding out you're pregnant. I understand it, more than I care to. It is so raw right now, cry, let it out, be upset...then you can pick yourself back up and try again. Take care, hun.

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  4. Ashley, our prayers are with you! Remember that God created you to be HIS daughter...and he loves you with a never ending love....just like your husband does. HE will be with you through this.
    Love,
    Auntie C

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  5. I'm so sorry, Ashley. I was praying that this was your cycle. I know there is little that can be said that will bring you any comfort right now, so I'm not going to try. I will continue to pray that you get your baby, though.

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