Monday, November 22, 2010
My heart has never been so broken
Today I got the news I was so scared to get. My heart is JUST so broken right now, I will attempt to write through my tears. So Im sorry if this comes out a little messy or if it doesnt make sense. On Thursday I went in and got a beta done, and the number came back as 8. Anything over 5 is pregnant, one nurse said it could be left over trigger, the other said she thought it was early pregnancy...I seriously felt pregnant....but I will never know which it was. But todays was negative, so its over either way. My heart feels shattered. I had such exciting plans, couldnt wait to tell our parents over the holiday. Its the one time we would have been with them in person at the same time and it would have been perfect. I feel like a failure, I feel like I cant do the one thing a woman is supposed to do. I cant make my husband a daddy and my heart just aches because of it. This weekend it was so nice to hear him talk about a baby, being a daddy, rubbing my tummy, saying he wants a little girl. The fact that I cant get pregnant, really just seems cruel. I knew it was too good to be true. I guess we will be taking that holiday maternity shirt back. Wow, my heart just hurts. The fact of the matter is, my body hasnt worked on its own at all, ever. And now that we will be stopping treatments, I feel utterly hopeless. Maybe being a mommy just isnt in His plan for my life.
Posted by A at 3:01 PM