Tuesday, November 30, 2010

And that makes baby #3...

...born this week.
I really think this is a MASSIVE TEST from God, because how is it that as Im sitting here suffering from my second miscarriage of the year that I get to see so many beautiful babies being born in the very same week. I wont lie about my feelings, I have sobbed(cried would be an understatement) myself to sleep every night. I keep having horrible thoughts about how my husband deserves someone better, or that Im a complete failure and really dont have a purpose in living. I feel like Im holding on by a thread. I am trying so hard not to fall into the deep black hole of depression. I have to go to the doc tomorrow to do a cycle review and get another ultrasound done to make sure my cyst went away. After that I will have more of an answer about cost and the next steps for when we do pursue treatment again. Part of me wants to take this nice long break, but then the other part of me doesnt wanna stop til we get our blessing. My heart just aches for a child... I know that God will definitely have His way in all of this, but I just really wish I knew what to expect.

With the holidays coming up, Im trying so desperately to focus all of my emotions on Christmas. A holiday that brings my heart so much joy and happiness. My birthday is on Friday, and Im really trying hard to be excited. We are planning on having a Christmas type party for it. Decorate Christmas cookies, gingerbread houses...the works. I really just hope so much that I can make it through the end of this year with as little tears as possible.

Please God, help me get through this horrible season in life and help me understand what Your plan for my life is.

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