Saturday, September 25, 2010

The ups and downs...particularly the downs.

So I have been having such a hard time being positive, with my emotions and the hormones, it seems like I am on a constant roller coaster(and for those of you who know me, I HATE roller coasters).
My emotions are UP and DOWN, and then back UP and DOWN. Can I just vent for a minute? A year and a half ago I was a skinny sexy young woman who was newly engaged and had all the dreams of the world to be a wife & mother, and a hot one at that. Last year was insanely hard for me. My body went from a hot 135lbs to a FAT 185lbs in less than 8 months. I was working out and dieting and just kept gaining and gaining. Now I know its because of my thyroid issues and insulin issues, but can I just tell you HOW depressed I am that I went from a size 5/6 to 15/16? in my first year of marriage??? OK I will admit it Im vain, I have always felt that my "beauty" was all I ever had as a "talent"...I could "look good". I looked GOOD. Now when I look in the mirror Im just insanely disgusted. It seems like every time I look around, I see either super hot skinny women, or pregnant women. Its torture. If Im not pregnant, I want my skinny body back!!! I had a hard time today as they are putting in Christmas infant clothes in my fav stores. They are just so darn precious, and in all honesty I expected to have our baby in my arms by Christmas. The baby we lost was due on my sisters birthday, December 22nd. Its going to be really hard this year to get through the holidays if Im not expecting by then. It really honestly breaks my heart. I find myself randomly bursting into tears. I know that Jesus has it, and He has a plan, but I cant help but wonder why. And the what ifs, oh boy the what ifs....I can NOT let myself go there because if I do, Ill lose it again. Oh the sorrows of an infertile.


  1. Ashley
    I so understand how you feel. I was the exact same way. I was 150 when we got married and 2 years later...with 2 failed rounds of clomid I was 220lbs. I felt gross and unattractive but my husband either must be really in love or blind as it never bothered him.

    It bother me enough that I went and started losing the weight. I do yoga and count calories. Its a major commitment but I am doing it. Try going to and see if that can get your eating habits and work outs in sync.

  2. *hugs*
    I gained around 80 pounds after dating Brandon for just a year. I think I was too comfortable and living with him - and his horrible bachelor eating habits - didn't help. 7 years later and I'm still struggling to lose the weight I gained. I've lost 30 pounds from my post-pregnancy high and if I can do it, you certainly can!

    I've been there hun and it is the toughest thing in the world. To constantly ask God "Why am I not a mother? When am I going to be one? Am I ever going to be one?" And then to pray day in and day out for a child to call my own.
    If you ever need a friend, I'm here.

    - Lindsey


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