Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh Mondays....

So normally I can write my posts pretty well, I know exactly how to start them and how to finish them. Today not so much...First off my doc told me today that we are going to stay at the 50mg, and so it really topped the cake of a really crappy day. Im going to start from the beginning of the day and end with what I am thinking about as of tonight. I woke up after getting a night interrupted about 6 times with intense hot flashes in combination with the urge to pee...the hot flashes were so bad they actually made me nauseous. So when I woke up I was feeling very hot and very sick. Then the moodiness kicked in, and it has gone down hill from there. After I rushed around to get ready for my morning Spanish class, I was getting angrier and angrier over the smallest things and then I got to the point where I was just ready to break because I couldn't figure out what to eat for breakfast, lately I have been waking up so sick that I cant eat cereal, anything with fruit or sugar...I have been living off of cream of wheat. My teeth have been super sensitive so nothing cold, which in turn has made me dehydrated because I havent been able to drink water. Saying Ive been miserable is quite the understatement. Anyways after that whole ordeal I get in the car to take hubs to work before I head to class and all of a sudden when I get on a road that has no side streets to turn onto a massive spider emerges and I was just stuck. Its body was about the size of a quarter and I started to freak. I couldnt get any words out and hubs couldnt figure out why I was freaking out so bad. Finally I screamed spider and he squashed it with a reciept that was in the console. Once I got to where there was a side street I could turn on I pulled over and just started to freak out. I jumped out of the car and seriously started to freak. I was shaking, felt sick, the whole thing. It was horrible. Needless to say it took me a few minutes to be able to get in the car and hubs had to drive me to class and pick me up because I was just so shaken up(I knew I was scared of spiders, but that was crazy bad). After that I swore my day just HAD to get better, and it was for a couple of minutes til I got to class, and me and my partner got up to perform our skit(In spanish mind you)...and what happens? She forgot a line and told me that I was the one...hopefully my professor realizes that I wasnt the one who forgot my lines that I just went with the flow. So after that I swore it HAD to get better, even though my hormones started raging again and I felt absolutely just irritated at anything and everything. Fast forward a few hours and I get a call from my nurse about the doctors plans for the next cycle, she told me she wanted me to continue with clomid at 50mg(even though I didnt ovulate at that dose this past month) and then the nurse proceeded to yell at me about how I need to do the creighton charting {Im signed up just havent met with the instructor, and I have been charting for a year....but since i didnt have an instructor apparently that doesnt count(its crap)} She continued to yell at me about how I needed to take my pulse 4x a day and mark it down every time and also take my temp 4x a day and mark those down too..Im fine with that, but to yell at me about it when no one mentioned it to me(yes it was in the informational packet...but its finals week and I havent had the time to just sit and read it) and how I was supposed to call 72hrs after starting my thyroid treatment and yet today would technically be the first day I could talk to them because 72hrs would have been on saturday and they arent open then. Its ridiculous. I was crying on the phone with the nurse, because I just dont get it. Needless to say when she called be back to me that I was gonna have to stay at 50mg of clomid, my heart broke. I realize that starting this thyroid treatment could help me ovulate on that dosage, but my heart is just broken, I was more upset last week on the fact that I hadnt ovulated then the fact that I wasnt pregnant. I just want my body to work. Well anyways, I was talking to my mom(well sobbing) about all of this, and she told me that I just need to live in the day and not worry about tomorrow, then she went onto tell me that maybe I should look into seeing a counselor because I have been stuck in a state of grief since my miscarriage in April. And honestly I think that she is right....
I texted a really dear friend of mine about it..she asked me why I was in a state of grief and so I texted her back and said, well because of the fertility issues. She replied but why are you in grief? At first, I kinda was hurt and offended. I mean duh, didn't she realize?? BUT THEN, it hit me, no she didnt. She couldn't understand why my heart is so broken. She has a beautiful baby girl. Then I started to think about it and well here I am now, typing my thoughts on it.
The definition of grief is: deep or intense sorrow or distress, especially at the death of someone.
I think this is a very real part of infertility and obviously miscarriage. I grew up my entire life dreaming about the day when I would be married and have a houseful of kids. I love kids, anyone who knows me can see that. I have been told for years by SEVERAL different moms that I have nannied/babysat for that I had such a talent with babies. I could calm the colicky babies, put kids down for a nap successfully, etc.. I was made to be a mom. When my hubs and I got married, we had originally thought maybe we would wait two years after we got married to start trying for a baby. Three months after we said our "I do's" I was off of birth control and we were not trying not preventing. It wasn't even a month or two after that that we decided to pursue actually having a baby. In the meantime I have watched more friends that I can count on my two hands get pregnant and the majority have delivered beautiful babies. I am so insanely happy for them, there is nothing more precious in this world than a newborn..not in my eyes anyways. This whole year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me as I have lost not only a baby, but the thought that I might actually be able to have kids biologically. After I had what is called a chemical pregnancy which is a miscarriage before a heartbeat is established at the doctors, it took me about a month to come to terms with it. I completely avoided it, I barely shed a tear when I started bleeding. Not because I wasnt shattered completely, but I told myself it was for a reason, and I should just "get over it"...and for a few weeks I was fine, completely suppressed any feelings I had. And then it hit me like a flood, June was a very VERY dark month for me. I had lost all hope. My body had failed me, and what I didnt realize is I was going through the steps of grief. May was denial, June was Anger, I think July I went through the bargaining stage and am currently trying desperately to get through the depression stage to get to the acceptance. Now, to answer my friends question why I am grieving. I am grieving an intense loss. One where not only am I grieving the loss of my baby, but every month I grieve the loss of another chance, another "wasted" month, more wasted money, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My body hasn't worked, and every time it doesnt work, it just reminds me how much of a failure I really am at being a woman(now that may not be the case, but its how I feel). That is why Im in grief. Im grieving not only a loss, but the idea of being a mommy.


  1. You have put so many of my same feelings into some wonderful sentences. You are right, no one TRUELY understands unless they are or have dealt with infertility. People can be there for you and listen, but they dont KNOW the PAIN we go thru physically and mentally. Its not fair and its not fun, but we WILL get through our journey! We will be better women and moms for it! Just think how much more we will appreciate every second with our children when we do get them. AND WE WILL!!! Love ya girl!


  2. Aw love you too!!! your awesome :) and yes, yes we will!!!

  3. Hey Ashley,
    I'm sorry your having such a horrid time this week, sounds like Clomid has just escalated things 100x this cycle. I know all the crazy side effects are killling you and make you crazy the intense hot flashes moode swings like your gonna rip DH's head off and insomnia. Hang in their girl and trust that God has your future planned out! I think its a very good idea for you to go see a councelor, i saw one for a few months at the beginning of the year that helped me put a lot of things into perspective. And a lot of people IRL really DO NOT GET IT! Praying for your heart...

  4. Very well put. Each month is a new phase of grieving and trying to move to acceptance. Honestly, I don't think we were made to deal with that kind of intense cycle of hope and sorrow every month. Jesus loves you and so do I and I'm praying for you!

  5. I know exactly how you feel. After finding out our fertility problems and Brad's three SA's, I have been in a depression. I want to have a child so bad but I don't think it will ever happen without IVF. Somewhere inside me is a glimmer of hope that we won't have to go that far but sometimes I feel so silly about feeling that way.
    I always get the "I know someone that did it naturally with really bad SA's or I did it with bad SA's" all the time. It was comforting at first and then it became depressing because I felt these women were blessed/lucky and I wasn't going to be.
    After Brad's SA's it just felt like I was told it would never happen. The specialist for Brad practically said that with my "failure to ovulate" and his SA that it would never happen naturally and the ONLY way to go is IVF. He talked to me as if my condition was permanent and it isn't. (although Clomid hasn't worked twice...but it's all about finding something that WILL work)
    Anyways....I am seeing a psychiatrist right now and when I see her again we will be discussing therapy. I already have some mental issues and I think all of this is made worse by it.

    But like the person above me said...when it happens we will appreciate every single second. We will all get through this. It's so hard and others can't see it. I stopped discussing it with anyone and everyone but certain people online. Only a few people know in real life. I did that because the drama was unreal when certain people found out. :(

    Keep your chin up and I am still rooting for you!

  6. Hi my name is Charity and I just wanted to pass through to tell you to be strong, and continue believing you will be a mommy. My husband and I have been STC since October of 2005. We have been married now for 5 years and still have no children.

    I know the feeling of emptiness, grief, and hopelessness. Like you I however stay strong in my faith though I falter when AF shows up. I trust that in due time the Lord will bless us with a sweet baby.

    Please haven't been taking my husband and I seriously in my family because we got married so young. I was 18 and he was 23, now I am 23 and he a few days away from 29. At first my mom told me when I talked about kids that I had plenty of time, but now with every passing month and no pregnancy she too has begun to see that there is more to TTC, and that I am not the fertile myrtle that she thought I should be.

    Honestly we carry our struggles of trying to conceive alone. Our friends either have children and don't know what its like to TTC, or they dont have children and do care what its like to TTC. So we just have each other.

    Hold your head up high you will be a mother. Just stay positive.


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