Thursday, September 30, 2010

Whew I need a breather

Well today I had a short mini panic attack about school. LOL. There was a misunderstanding with my financial aid, but I went and spoke to the dean and he took care of it. Im so ready to be done with this school and transfer to the University in the spring. I went and worked out this morning, and Im super proud of myself haha! Its day two of going to the gym, I am determined to keep pushing myself til I get to the weight I need to be at. My goal is to get as much weight off by thanksgiving as I can!! We are planning on going to the mountains with the inlaws for skiing, should be super fun!! I havent been on my snowboard in about 2 years! Hopefully I dont end up breaking something hahahaha
Update on Clomid: This time around Im having hardly any hot flashes, the only side effect that I can really recognize as one this time around is the vivid dreams. I keep dreaming Im in shows that I watch the night before. Its ridiculous and a bit weird haha! Im just praying that I ovulate this time around. I will start using opks on Monday, so fingers crossed Ill get a surge sometime next week!
We were going to lead a connect group at our church for infertility, but only one other couple signed up. Im kinda disappointed but I realize this can be a really hard group to sign up for. I invited the other couple (well the wife) to go to coffee. Hopefully she will take me up on it haha, it would be nice to talk to someone in real life rather than just online. I cant believe tomorrow is October 1st!! Crazy how fast this year has passed us by! Today Im going to be working a baby quilt Im making for a friend who is due around thanksgiving. Im hoping it will turn out great..
Anyways, tomorrow is Friday!! Woohoo its almost the weekend! Hope everyone is having an awesome week!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Making Your Home a Haven Fall Challenge

I saw this on another blog and I cant seem to figure out how to add it here!
This is the link to the blog, unfortunately I cant get it to be clickable. I need to become more savvy in this area LOL
http://womenlivingwell-courtney.blogspot.com/2010/09/making-your-home-haven-fall-challenge.html
I definitely think its an awesome idea and want to invite everyone to do it! I put the schedule on my side bar for it :)

Sometimes you just have to push yourself

So I have been stuck in a funk for a few weeks about not being pregnant and just couldnt get out of the "woah is me" attitude. I have been crying at the drop of a hat and I seriously just couldnt get past it. Finally last night, I just had to post a facebook status claiming healing: "I am HEALED by the blood of Jesus. Womb you WILL work in Jesus name and I WILL have my baby. Amen. :)"

After I posted that I just felt better. I am going to pray and speak to my body and it will be healed in the name of Jesus. My God didnt get brutally crucified for me to get sick all the time and my body to not work. I am healed by the blood of Jesus and Im claiming it!!!!!! I WILL get my baby, I will lose this weight, and I WILL BE HEALTHY IN JESUS NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked to my dear friend S last night and she told me that I need to live day by day and focus on the small victories instead of focusing on alllll my failures. So this morning, I forced myself to go work out. I did hard intervals for 25 minutes before I started to feel sick, and Im not a fan of puking in public so I figured that it would be good for today. I can only do what I can do, and I will for sure make sure Im giving my 100%.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Clomid, af, and pneumonia oh my!

So ended up taking hubs to the doc today. He has been sick for two weeks, poor guy. I started to feel sick yesterday and we found out he has pneumonia(very contagious ughh) and so yep! Cd 3, on af and starting to get what he has... I have been cleaning/disinfecting and still not done, but Im so insanely exhausted. I had a date night planned for hubs and I this Thursday, but doubt its gonna happen now...maybe next week :( I started the clomid tonight. I decided to do it cd 3-7 rather than 5-9. Hopefully we are done being sick by O time! Pray for a fast recovery and that I dont actually get pneumonia!! Thanks to you all! :)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

The ups and downs...particularly the downs.

So I have been having such a hard time being positive, with my emotions and the hormones, it seems like I am on a constant roller coaster(and for those of you who know me, I HATE roller coasters).
My emotions are UP and DOWN, and then back UP and DOWN. Can I just vent for a minute? A year and a half ago I was a skinny sexy young woman who was newly engaged and had all the dreams of the world to be a wife & mother, and a hot one at that. Last year was insanely hard for me. My body went from a hot 135lbs to a FAT 185lbs in less than 8 months. I was working out and dieting and just kept gaining and gaining. Now I know its because of my thyroid issues and insulin issues, but can I just tell you HOW depressed I am that I went from a size 5/6 to 15/16? in my first year of marriage??? OK I will admit it Im vain, I have always felt that my "beauty" was all I ever had as a "talent"...I could "look good". I looked GOOD. Now when I look in the mirror Im just insanely disgusted. It seems like every time I look around, I see either super hot skinny women, or pregnant women. Its torture. If Im not pregnant, I want my skinny body back!!! I had a hard time today as they are putting in Christmas infant clothes in my fav stores. They are just so darn precious, and in all honesty I expected to have our baby in my arms by Christmas. The baby we lost was due on my sisters birthday, December 22nd. Its going to be really hard this year to get through the holidays if Im not expecting by then. It really honestly breaks my heart. I find myself randomly bursting into tears. I know that Jesus has it, and He has a plan, but I cant help but wonder why. And the what ifs, oh boy the what ifs....I can NOT let myself go there because if I do, Ill lose it again. Oh the sorrows of an infertile.

Cd 1

Well, today is cd 1, and here is the plan:
Clomid 50mg cd 3-7
T3 every 12 hours
Metformin 500mg daily
250mg of B6
Prenatal
Robitussin
And Dh will be on Fertilaid for men
Preseed
This is a much smaller list than I have had in the past. I am just going to do the vitamins that I think is necessary. Im done being paranoid about all the possible problems.
I am really trying to be positive and hopeful, but I feel somewhat jaded. If that makes sense. I am just going to speak it into existence. Body, in the name of Jesus you WILL ovulate :) & You WILL get pregnant. Amen lol

Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh Mondays....

So normally I can write my posts pretty well, I know exactly how to start them and how to finish them. Today not so much...First off my doc told me today that we are going to stay at the 50mg, and so it really topped the cake of a really crappy day. Im going to start from the beginning of the day and end with what I am thinking about as of tonight. I woke up after getting a night interrupted about 6 times with intense hot flashes in combination with the urge to pee...the hot flashes were so bad they actually made me nauseous. So when I woke up I was feeling very hot and very sick. Then the moodiness kicked in, and it has gone down hill from there. After I rushed around to get ready for my morning Spanish class, I was getting angrier and angrier over the smallest things and then I got to the point where I was just ready to break because I couldn't figure out what to eat for breakfast, lately I have been waking up so sick that I cant eat cereal, anything with fruit or sugar...I have been living off of cream of wheat. My teeth have been super sensitive so nothing cold, which in turn has made me dehydrated because I havent been able to drink water. Saying Ive been miserable is quite the understatement. Anyways after that whole ordeal I get in the car to take hubs to work before I head to class and all of a sudden when I get on a road that has no side streets to turn onto a massive spider emerges and I was just stuck. Its body was about the size of a quarter and I started to freak. I couldnt get any words out and hubs couldnt figure out why I was freaking out so bad. Finally I screamed spider and he squashed it with a reciept that was in the console. Once I got to where there was a side street I could turn on I pulled over and just started to freak out. I jumped out of the car and seriously started to freak. I was shaking, felt sick, the whole thing. It was horrible. Needless to say it took me a few minutes to be able to get in the car and hubs had to drive me to class and pick me up because I was just so shaken up(I knew I was scared of spiders, but that was crazy bad). After that I swore my day just HAD to get better, and it was for a couple of minutes til I got to class, and me and my partner got up to perform our skit(In spanish mind you)...and what happens? She forgot a line and told me that I was the one...hopefully my professor realizes that I wasnt the one who forgot my lines that I just went with the flow. So after that I swore it HAD to get better, even though my hormones started raging again and I felt absolutely just irritated at anything and everything. Fast forward a few hours and I get a call from my nurse about the doctors plans for the next cycle, she told me she wanted me to continue with clomid at 50mg(even though I didnt ovulate at that dose this past month) and then the nurse proceeded to yell at me about how I need to do the creighton charting {Im signed up just havent met with the instructor, and I have been charting for a year....but since i didnt have an instructor apparently that doesnt count(its crap)} She continued to yell at me about how I needed to take my pulse 4x a day and mark it down every time and also take my temp 4x a day and mark those down too..Im fine with that, but to yell at me about it when no one mentioned it to me(yes it was in the informational packet...but its finals week and I havent had the time to just sit and read it) and how I was supposed to call 72hrs after starting my thyroid treatment and yet today would technically be the first day I could talk to them because 72hrs would have been on saturday and they arent open then. Its ridiculous. I was crying on the phone with the nurse, because I just dont get it. Needless to say when she called be back to me that I was gonna have to stay at 50mg of clomid, my heart broke. I realize that starting this thyroid treatment could help me ovulate on that dosage, but my heart is just broken, I was more upset last week on the fact that I hadnt ovulated then the fact that I wasnt pregnant. I just want my body to work. Well anyways, I was talking to my mom(well sobbing) about all of this, and she told me that I just need to live in the day and not worry about tomorrow, then she went onto tell me that maybe I should look into seeing a counselor because I have been stuck in a state of grief since my miscarriage in April. And honestly I think that she is right....
I texted a really dear friend of mine about it..she asked me why I was in a state of grief and so I texted her back and said, well because of the fertility issues. She replied but why are you in grief? At first, I kinda was hurt and offended. I mean duh, didn't she realize?? BUT THEN, it hit me, no she didnt. She couldn't understand why my heart is so broken. She has a beautiful baby girl. Then I started to think about it and well here I am now, typing my thoughts on it.
The definition of grief is: deep or intense sorrow or distress, especially at the death of someone.
I think this is a very real part of infertility and obviously miscarriage. I grew up my entire life dreaming about the day when I would be married and have a houseful of kids. I love kids, anyone who knows me can see that. I have been told for years by SEVERAL different moms that I have nannied/babysat for that I had such a talent with babies. I could calm the colicky babies, put kids down for a nap successfully, etc.. I was made to be a mom. When my hubs and I got married, we had originally thought maybe we would wait two years after we got married to start trying for a baby. Three months after we said our "I do's" I was off of birth control and we were not trying not preventing. It wasn't even a month or two after that that we decided to pursue actually having a baby. In the meantime I have watched more friends that I can count on my two hands get pregnant and the majority have delivered beautiful babies. I am so insanely happy for them, there is nothing more precious in this world than a newborn..not in my eyes anyways. This whole year has been such an emotional roller coaster for me as I have lost not only a baby, but the thought that I might actually be able to have kids biologically. After I had what is called a chemical pregnancy which is a miscarriage before a heartbeat is established at the doctors, it took me about a month to come to terms with it. I completely avoided it, I barely shed a tear when I started bleeding. Not because I wasnt shattered completely, but I told myself it was for a reason, and I should just "get over it"...and for a few weeks I was fine, completely suppressed any feelings I had. And then it hit me like a flood, June was a very VERY dark month for me. I had lost all hope. My body had failed me, and what I didnt realize is I was going through the steps of grief. May was denial, June was Anger, I think July I went through the bargaining stage and am currently trying desperately to get through the depression stage to get to the acceptance. Now, to answer my friends question why I am grieving. I am grieving an intense loss. One where not only am I grieving the loss of my baby, but every month I grieve the loss of another chance, another "wasted" month, more wasted money, and what do I have to show for it? Nothing. My body hasn't worked, and every time it doesnt work, it just reminds me how much of a failure I really am at being a woman(now that may not be the case, but its how I feel). That is why Im in grief. Im grieving not only a loss, but the idea of being a mommy.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Fall decor, finals week, & af

Well first off Ill go in order of my title in the content of this post.
Fall decor! I just finished putting up our tiny supply of fall decor and my house just feel so warm I LOVE it! Its really cool out, I think right now its like 58 degrees!
Finals week is this week. I have lots of studying to do, cant wait for next weekend to be here because this week is just not gonna be fun! I have to do a skit, an interview and final for my spanish class. I will be done Thursday at 11 though! Im looking forward to it! Another stinky part of this week is hubs has to go to a conference 3 hours away from Wed night to Fri night. I hate being home alone at night. But I have no choice :( I guess he is taking the "run for your life" expression literally because with af being due Friday....the two days prior Im expecting to have extreme pms. I did last month and oh wow, yeah probably a good thing he wont be here! Hope everyones weekend is going great!!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Doc appointment update! :)

Welp, today I met my new doc. She was WONDERFUL! I REALLY liked her! I asked her about my blood test results(the ones that my doc said: testosterone/progesterone/estrogen were all low back in july) and she said that ACTUALLY my progesterone was only a tiny bit low, but nothing to worry about. My testosterone was normal except the kind that that is produced by my adrenal gland(?) and that one was slightly elevated. The only one that was to be concerned about was my estrogen because it should have been way higher. She said she suspects that my pituitary gland just isnt "communicating" to my ovaries like it should. One thing that caught me off guard is they said my blood pressure was a little high and asked if I was nervous. I was like ummm, yes I am. I didnt know what else to say. I have never had a doc say that before I normally have "beautiful" blood pressure. I have no idea. But anyways, she said I definitely have Wilsons syndrome and I will be starting T3 next thursday(it would have been tomorrow if the office had told me I had to go to a specific pharmacy in Omaha!!! GRR) I have to back on Wednesday to get a progesterone/pregnancy test because as of this morning my chart indicates I ovulated!!! Im officially 3dpo!! :) I was shocked when I saw my temp and even more shocked when I saw the crosshairs on my FF chart. I signed up yesterday to chart the Creighton model...should be interesting!! Ps, I added my chart to the left by my archive!! So yeah, as far as the "plan" goes, Ill go in on Wednesday and get the blood draw, and then if both show - Ill get a progesterone shot in my rear end again(ugh) and then do another round of 50mg of clomid, she wants me to continue with the metformin, the T3, and all my vitamins. She said she doesnt want to up the clomid because she doesnt want to interfere with my mucus, she wants to "work WITH my body, not force it to do something"(She said that when I asked about a trigger shot). It was encouraging for her to hear that apparently once you start the T3 the pregnancy rates increase significantly!! I will be taking the T3 every 12hrs on the dot and that should last for about 2 months...then my thyroid condition SHOULD be fixed. Im not gonna lie, whenever I get a chance at pregnancy I think of all the milestones, and right now if I get pregnant(gosh I LOVE SAYING THAT) in our year of trying this is only our third chance!!!! Anyways if I get pregnant Ill be in my second trimester by thanksgiving and POSSIBLY know by christmas the gender...EEKK!!! so exciting...haha ok I gotta calm down! Ill keep you guys posted on any symptoms or anything!! Have a great weekend!

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Busy times..

So the past few weeks have been insane for me. I have been so busy with school, redecorating, traveling, etc. For three weeks straight I kept myself so busy that from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed(which was much later than normal) I was doing something. Every time I stopped I would just start to cry. I spent the three weeks pretty much suppressing my sadness and it started to come out into my dreams. It was horrible. Its miserable to feel that you cant stop to relax for even a moment or you will lose it. Labor day weekend couldn't come soon enough. I needed a mental break more than anything. It was a wonderful weekend! We drove 11 hours to get to my hometown in Arkansas. Well actually we didnt stay in my hometown, we stayed in an awesomely quaint bed & breakfast in Little Rock which is only like 20 min from my hometown. It was called the Robinwood b&b and they were dog friendly and completely amazing and reasonable in price! Heres a few pics from our trip :)
Pics of the B&B: ..oh and we payed $89/night!!!! lol
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My amazing nephew and my furbaby(Honu) :)
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I got to spend lots of time with my amazing nephew(who is 7 months old today!!!), my sister(his mommy), and some amazing friends that I grew up with. It was so nice to just escape reality for a few days. I miss Arkansas alot sometimes...but glad to be home in good ol' Nebraska! I have been really busy this week making my curriculum for the infertility small group that I am leading this fall. If you havent read the book Hannah's Hope I highly suggest it! Its hard though because I have to get it done by the end of this week so the church staff can look over it and change what they want before the first meeting on Oct 3. I have 10 weeks of discussion stuff to write. I have about 6.5 done! Ill probably finish the rest by Saturday. I have more painting to do and I have some pillows to finish sewing and Im starting an oil painting for our living room :) If everything looks decent Ill post pics once its complete!! Ill update you guys after my appointment tomorrow!! Hope everyone is having an awesome week!!

Forgot my password!!

So sorry if some of you have been wondering about an update, I was locked out of my account and I couldnt remember my password and it wouldnt take my new password..but yay I got it all figured out! haha!

So Im cd 35 today and no sign of af, or ovulation :( I am going to the doctor at 11am, to meet the new doc that the office switched me too. I really pray I like her!! :) She sounds wonderful, so we shall see. Im incredibly frustrated, but I know that there is a REASON clomid isn't working. I talked to hubs about it and we are ready to pursue more intense treatment....never thought Id pray for the doc to be willing to give me injections :) Honestly Im going to ask about the femara some other ladies take and about injections. I might also ask about the possibility for me to referred to another doc for a lap so that I can get it done(someone who is in my insurance network) Ill see what happens with that. No idea what to expect tomorrow!! Please pray for me as I am incredibly nervous she will just want to continue with clomid and in all honesty I don't want to. Im so over it. Three cycles and all three haven't worked, so Im done. I have more to type but am on my way out the door, Ill do another post soon I promise :)
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