Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What not to say to someone...

Who is dealing with infertility. I figured this would be a good thing to read for those who arent going through this. I feel that some people dont know what to say so they end up saying things that just arent helpful and can actually hurt. So, if your not dealing with infertility please read the following and try and remember this and Ill also include explanations as to why these arent helpful.

"Why dont you just consider adoption?"
This one is a big stinger for those going through infertility. Yes adoption may be down the road but the desire is so strong to have a biological child that this really does nothing but make us feel hopeless and actually this is one of the most hurtful things you can have said to you. Especially if you havent been trying for years. While some people might consider adoption sooner than a few years, most that I know want to wait a few years before considering that.

"It will happen, dont worry"
This one really is bothersome, because most of the time this cant really be said with accuracy. You dont know the medical reasons as to why we cant get pregnant and the fear that it will never happen is very real. Relaxing or going on vacation can help for some women, but again dealing with infertility its more than just stress that is factored in. Unfortunately we dont have the luxury of not worrying about it. With the blood tests, medications, shots, ultrasounds, charting, timed sex, can we not think about it? Our live's are lived in two week increments. We have no other choice but think about it.

"You can borrow mine(referring to your kids) to get your baby fix"
This can be well meaning, and to me its not the most offensive thing you could say. BUT, that wont do anything for our feelings on our own situation and in some cases it could actually hurt because it reminds us that everyone in the world has kids but us(thats not the case, but infertility can feel so lonely.)

"It seems like everyone is getting pregnant these days."
That is a big slap in the face, because it really makes us feel like the only person in the world who have this problem, and no offense but this is something you should keep to yourself. We dont really wanna hear how everyone and their dog can get pregnant while we sit here begging God every day to answer our prayers.

"Your young, you have time."
This one is a personal one that I hate lol, and Ill explain why. Just because we are young, doesnt mean things will magically get better the older we get. Waiting will do nothing but prolong the inevitable and make it even harder to get pregnant. Haven't you heard of the biological clock? Waiting will only make it harder if your already having problems.

"Maybe its not meant to be"
Yes, thanks for that. I dont wanna be rude, but this is definitely a no-no. If you wanna stay friends with the person, dont say this. Its a huge insult. Enough said.

"I heard on the radio that there's a website that tells you when you're fertile. All you do is put in when your period was"
This might be helpful to some people, but to those of us dealing with infertility its more than just timing it right. There are many different factors that go into getting pregnant. Many things that could be wrong. So generally this suggestion does nothing but annoy the person your talking to. We know your being helpful, but if it was just about timing, we would have been pregnant on the first try.

Also saying things like
"I would never do what you do to get pregnant"
"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant"
"Just have lots of sex"
"You know how this works right?"
OR above all
NEVER complain about being pregnant to us please. We would do anything to feel sick all day, gain weight, be exhuasted, etc. All it does is make us so mad we dont wanna talk or be around you.

And one more thing, if you get pregnant and know we are struggling with infertility please tell us on facebook, email, or something along those lines so we have time to grieve. Dont expect us to jump up and down for you, while we are happy for you...we need time.


  1. Thank you for posting this! So many people just don't have a clue! Also another NO NO: asking couples when they are finally going to have kids or start a family. You don't know how long they have been trying and asking them is only a stinging reminder that it's not working. Also, a man and wife is a family. Don't insinuate that a childless couple is not a family!

  2. Melissa, thats an awesome addition! And yes a man and a wife is a family. Thanks for adding that!!

  3. thanks ashley for posting this...people who haven't dealt with infertility really have no idea what we go through.


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