Yesterday I was sitting in church, and I felt like God was telling me that I needed to get deeper in the Word and worship on my own. Not just in church. I felt a deep conviction about it. I made a decision to spend time every day in the word, and in worship. I mean thats what we are supposed to do as Christians, but Im sure Im not alone in saying that I definitely haven't been faithful in this area. After service I went to speak to my friend an amazing woman of God, Becky. I asked her for prayer, because I feel such a deep struggle with this baby thing. It is more than just a desire, it runs as deep as I can even describe. The pain of this runs so deep, its definitely the hardest thing God has ever called me to go through. She confirmed what I felt that God was telling me earlier in the service. So here I am, my blog will probably be mostly this for a few days. I want to journal through this time of worship and seeking God.
Have you ever noticed that some phrases hit you deeper than others? We sang a song yesterday and part of the lyrics were "You give and take away" and then I realized God is what gives us life, our families, our husbands, our friends, our babies. That phrase hit me so hard as I am remembering our miscarriage, God gives and He takes away. I can sit here and wonder all day long why, but in the end I am called to accept His will with love, faith, and hope. It can go as fast as it came. I have been saying I trust God with giving us our little one, but then I wonder if I really mean it. I mean like my friend said, I know it in my head, but has it made its way to my heart? I want it to be IN MY HEART. I want to mean it more than anything. I want to know in my heart that He has me. He has a plan, Lord I need to feel peace in Jesus Name.
14 For this reason I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,[a] 15 from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His Spirit in the inner man, 17 that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height— 19 to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.
20 Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, 21 to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
I claim this, I claim the strength to do what He has called me to do. Right now, the only thing Im sure of as far as my calling is concerned is to be an amazing wife to Miles, and to live my life for Him, and with the infertility group. The bible says in Luke 16:10-13
10"Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. 11So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? 12And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?
13"No servant can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."
If God cant trust me to do the things He has called me to right now, then why would He trust me with a baby? Im not saying Im not working hard at doing His will, but if Im focusing more on what I don't have rather than blessing what I do then why would He give me more? Lord help me to give more to my husband, and to be all I can be in your will for the time being. He knows my desires, He knows the timing, He can heal me. He WILL heal me. I know it. Lord I THANK YOU for what you have done in my life so far, and I thank you for what you are going to do!!!!