Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The thought of infertility...

The thought of infertility scares me. Im utterly terrified of never having a baby. We have done what feels like so much so far, and the fact that my body doesn't work at all....its heartbreaking. Every time my husband says he wants a baby, or just the look in his eye when I see him see other's children....its heartbreaking. I am trying to look at the positive of things. The fact we get more time together, I get to get healthier/skinnier, we can make more money first...the list is endless. There is always something that you can accomplish before kids. If we waited for the perfect time, well there never would be that "perfect time". Something would always come up, its how life works. I question why God chose ME to have infertility.
Infertility effects about 12% of those who are of childbearing age. Why would He pick THOSE 12%? I honestly DONT KNOW. I have been reading the book Hannah's Hope and last night I read this statement and honestly it took me aback: "The Lord gifts people in many different ways. He has chosen to give me infertility." I was somewhat offended by it to be honest, I had NO idea how to react to that. Why on earth would a LOVING God give me the GIFT of infertility?! I DONT UNDERSTAND. It really burned into my soul. Maybe something is going to happen that if I was pregnant RIGHT now, it would be really bad for my health OR life. Or maybe, through my journey He wants to reach someone else through me. I have said this before, but I would go through ANYTHING if it meant Him reaching someone else through ME. Like wow, He chose ME to be used in that way. With something as personal as infertility. I have not felt the desire or need to keep it a secret. I have felt embarrassed, broken, and insanely crazed with this journey so far. But keeping it inside will just hide the work He is doing. Im not saying every infertile person needs to be open with their struggle...but I find it freeing and somewhat comforting. Sure I get criticized, I get mocked. People dont understand unless they have been there. There is NO way to understand the pain of not being able to have a child, or losing one. No matter how early they do.
If life was easy then WHY have faith. If life was easy then what would be the point? There are lows and there are highs, our focus HAS to be on God...because if we lose that..then we lose the hope that we WILL be parents. HE WILL BE FAITHFUL. I have been standing on this verse: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6 I just know that He will let me be a mommy one day, yes I hope its soon...but if its not then I know there is a very important reason and Im learning to have faith in Him no matter what.

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