Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Is it possible...

To be happy for someone else and so sad for yourself at the same time? I have two very VERY close friends who are getting ready to deliver their babies. I can remember them finding out and the months have just flown by. I can remember getting a pregnancy test, it had a line...I was always told a line is a line. To me it was a positive. I was terrified, but so incredibly happy. In my mind we had conceived. Just as I was getting used to the idea, I got my period. Two days later, she got her positive pregnancy test. I was so incredibly happy for her, she will be an awesome mommy...but why did it kill me to see those two pink lines she had sent me? She is getting ready to have her baby, a beautiful baby girl. I cant help but wonder, why cant that be me. Not that Im upset or jealous or anything like that. I had my moments in the beginning, but now I can honestly say I cant wait to hear the news of her precious baby being brought into this world. But then I question, why on earth do I still want to cry at the thought that if that test had been truly a positive test, Id be ready to pop too. This desire is getting stronger every single day, some days I can be more positive and just KNOW it will happen...and others, well others I just stop and wonder....why. The pain is sometimes unbearable; I will cry, get angry, shout, pray. The phrase: "life isnt fair" is so true. Its not fair that I cant get pregnant. Some may say there are reasons, but I cant help but then question WHY do things have to be to where it wouldnt be good to be pregnant "THATS NOT FAIR" I think. Things always seem to just "not go my way". I have had so many friends in the past 10 months get pregnant. Like an insane amount. Its been so incredibly insane that I have had OTHER people come to ME and tell me "there have been a lot of your closest friends get pregnant." It kills me inside every time I hear of another friend on facebook announcing their pregnancy. Yet again, another person I have to say "congratulations, your going to be a great mommy" to. Its a horrible cycle. I have had at least 4 friends announce their pregnancy this month alone. Its CRAZY. How is it everyone and their cousin can get pregnant and not me. Why does God NOT let my body work. AT ALL. I dont understand. I really dont.

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